"How often do you tell your child how happy they make you feel?"

Everyone loves to attack today’s parents. Apparently, we’re too good to our kids. We really need to get tougher and give them a good smack occasionally. Right?

Well, a new Australian study, looking at children’s risk of adult mental illness, has come up with a very different finding. The study has revealed that two-thirds of children aged 12 to 13 have parents who show ‘low warmth’ or ‘high hostility/anger’. This, combined with other ‘adversities’, may be putting kids at risk of mental illness when they’re older.

It’s easy to brush off this kind of research, and say that our kids are going to be fine. But the study, carried out by the University of South Australia, was based on data from more than 10,000 children. What if the findings are valid? What if we’re among that big group of parents who aren’t showing enough warmth, or who are showing too much anger?

First of all, what does ‘low warmth’ mean, when it comes to parenting?

“That might be if somebody’s done really well and they’re expecting a hug and instead they get disapproval,” the study’s lead investigator, Professor Leonie Segal, tells Mamamia.

She says parents are asked a specific set of questions to find out whether they are ‘low warmth’. These include:

* How often do you express affection by hugging, kissing or holding your child?

* How often do you tell your child how happy they make you feel?

* How often do you have warm, close times together?

* Of all the times you talk to your child about their behaviour, how often is it disapproval?

"How often do you hug your child?" Photo via iStock.

"These days, there's a lot of parents you see sitting on their mobile phone, the child's sitting on their computer... that would actually probably fit within that category," Professor Segal adds.

"You don't just want to engage with your child when you're angry with them or you want them to do something for you. Are you actually taking your child to bed and reading them a story? In the park, are you actually pushing them on the swing and doing things with them, or are you sitting on the mobile phone while they go off and play? Are there occasions when you really do interact with your child in a way that they can feel you're pleased with them and know that you care about them? Because otherwise, how do they know?"

As for 'high hostility/anger', that encompasses not just smacking, but also yelling.

"A lot of people in communities where there's a lot of yelling think that because everyone yells, then that's okay," Professor Segal points out. "The fact that something's the norm doesn't mean that it's not damaging."

She says children vary in their response to being yelled at.

"You might find with some children that even if they're only yelled at once a month, they might find it hugely distressing. That might be the thing that sticks in their head forever, almost, that time they were yelled at."

Parents need to really engage with their kids, rather than just be around. Photo via iStock.

This doesn't mean that parents should be letting their kids do whatever they want. Professor Segal believes in being clear with children and letting them know what's expected - for example, sitting at the table at mealtimes and eating with the family. But she says harsh parenting is actually damaging.

"The idea of yelling at them, trying to being stricter with your boundaries... often, all you do is get involved in power struggles. The challenge is to find win-wins, really."

The fact that we can have such a big influence on our children's lives is scary. But Professor Segal thinks it's also a positive.

"That's one of the wonderful things about being a parent, that you are important to your child. As a mother, you probably feel you are the most important person to that child, and you are.

"Every parent wants to do the best by their child, but parenting can be challenging, and sometimes we need to seek help."

Do you feel that you're a warm parent?