"An inbox filled with attacks." 7 Aussie celebs on the parent shaming they deal with daily.

Shame is such a powerful emotion. 

It conjures up feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt and guilt. 

Of course a lot of the time, shame comes from an external force – whether it be a wider societal expectation or sometimes even an individual with a decent amount of judgement behind them. And there are not many other facets of life where shame is more apparent than in parenting. 

Ask any parent if they've felt shamed by a fellow parent before and the answer will always be a resounding yes. 

Because at the end of the day, parenting is incredibly subjective – and everyone has varying perspectives on how best to raise a little human. 

Now imagine if you shared your experiences of parenting online, or were in the public eye. With the great big positives of having a community to engage with, it can also come with some downsides. Especially when someone feels the need to tell you, you're parenting wrong via a harshly-worded DM. 

To unpack this topic a little further, Mamamia spoke with seven parents who have a profile – asking them what their experience of parent shaming has been and what they want you to know. 

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Sean Szeps, writer and podcaster

What are your thoughts and experiences on parent shaming?

"When people ask me what the hardest part of parenting is, I've always said – without a hint of exaggeration – that it is other parents. The judgement, the comparison, the advice, the shaming. It's challenging for even the most confident of parents and thanks to social media, it can often feel totally unavoidable.

"I make a living as a parenting creator on Instagram. I share a great deal of my life with my followers and that means I hear a great deal of opinions, almost exclusively unsolicited, from total strangers each day. It comes with the territory – I did choose the job – but it doesn't make it easier. Not at first, at least.

"The strange thing is, every person online has their own specific criteria for what makes a great parent. They each care about very different things, so the opportunities for critiques are endless. On Monday someone is upset that you let your child walk barefoot on the pavement, on Tuesday someone tells you to cut up their lunch into smaller pieces and on Wednesday someone says they shouldn't be watching a certain show on a certain network at a certain time of day.

"Often times the shaming comes without necessary context. I'll get 'He needs his seatbelt on, Dad!' even though we're in a parked car after driving home from the store.

"It might be three of a thousand messages you receive in a day. Sure, a rational person does quick maths and reminds themselves that it's only 0.3 per cent negativity. But when you're stressed and sleep deprived and busy and already worried about being a good enough parent, rational thinking goes out the damn door."

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What do you want people to know about parenting in the public eye?  

"Because I'm a gay father, the parenting shaming is usually a bit more… personal. On top of micro-critiques like 'he really should be wearing a hat and sunnies', you're navigating an inbox filled with larger attacks like 'your daughter really needs a mother' or 'we voted for you to marry, not to ruin kid's lives by becoming parents'.

"The bad news: It's impossible to not take it personally in the beginning. You're trying your very best to keep your children alive and the criticisms – even those delivered with kindness – force you to question your well-intended decisions. And even though you make 1000 decisions a day and you're only sharing 15 seconds of one decision, the feedback is there, you read it and you ask yourself: 'Am I doing this parenting thing right?'

"I do often wonder if some of the shaming I receive is because I'm a man. Historically, the majority of parenting responsibilities have fallen on women. And that makes them, justifiably, subject matter experts. In a world where men have often taken a backseat in parenting, I imagine some women – usually older ones – think that I need help without a wife or mother around. That it's their duty to provide me, an idiot dad, with necessary advice.

"The good news: it gets easier and easier. The more critiques you hear, the more de-sensitised you become. You start to realise you can't please everyone and if you're like me and making a living online, you come to realise their opinions are actually none of your business. You acknowledge within yourself that parenting is hard and everyone does it differently and then you ignore the noise of shaming and focus on trying your very best. Because at the end of the day, it's not the opinions of strangers that matter but those of your own partner, your children and yourself."

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Leigh Campbell, @leighacampbell

What are your thoughts and experiences on parent shaming?

"Sadly the 'parenting' space is one of those most judged spaces on the internet. I have been lucky in that I have curated a like-minded group of women, so my online audience is overwhelmingly supportive. Of course there's the odd person who uses judgement and doxing in place of reflecting on themselves, but that's what the block button exists for."

What do you want people to know about parenting in the public eye?  

"I think parenting in the public eye and parenting online is different. In the public eye, to me, means in public – at the shops, any time outside of the home. This applies to true Hollywood celebrities. Online, on the other hand, is different in that the parent chooses what they share, which is an important distinction.

"When my son was first born I shared much more, but I have since evolved my view on what parts of his life I am comfortable portraying online. I don't talk about medical issues, I never show him sad, crying or having a tantrum. Sure I show images of him and the fun activities we do, but I don't share details of 'his life' that I feel he could have issues with later down the track. I show about 10 percent of our lives in regards to parenting. It's an evolving space and if/when he decides he doesn't want me to share at all, of course I will respect his wishes."

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Sarah Marie Fahd, Goggleboxer and owner of TMRW Kids

What are your thoughts and experiences on parent shaming?

"I've had people shame me for my kid being around my dog (nasty, mean comments that aren't as simple as you might think), and also comments around him being in a nappy and still not being toilet trained at two years old. I was also shamed for breast feeding over 12 months – there's nothing wrong with that! I have to say the only thing I never get negative comments on is my bed sharing with my son. I think there's a lot more of us out there than meets the eye because my inbox is always flooded with support. I've seen women online be shamed for so many things and it truly is sad that we can't show more support instead of cutting others down. We are all trying our best."

What do you want people to know about parenting in the public eye?  

"Being open about your parenting style in general is hard, let alone in the public eye. It's actually scary. People judge you on what little they see not realising that it's such a small percentage of what the reality is. But at the same time, you have people who look up to you for the parenting life you do share that they are able to relate to. You don't even have to be in the 'public eye' to be parent shamed am I right?!

"I have come to realise that no matter what, someone will have something negative and nasty to say – so why not just be you and share whatever you can to help those that actually like what you're about and help them feel more supported."

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Sophie Cachia, @sophiecachia_

What are your thoughts and experiences on parent shaming?

"I keep the majority of my 'parenting' offline now. I can't control what people can say about me and my parenting, but I can control what and how much I share. I've learned over the past ten years online that I will protect anything surrounding my children. My children only feature now where they want or when they're comfortable. Mainly because of how horrible people can be."

What do you want people to know about parenting in the public eye?

"Whilst I was once a mummy-blogger, my page is now focused on myself and my business adventures and I intend to keep it that way. Whilst they do sporadically feature, I have strict boundaries in place surrounding answering specific questions re: children, and no one is entitled to have access to them or my style of parenting.

"I don't need to open myself up to that kind of shaming simply because someone online doesn't agree with me, and I also don't need the validation of strangers."

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Ash London, writer, TV and radio personality

What are your thoughts and experiences on parent shaming?

"I often have to remind myself that different things work for different people and there's no set way to parent.

"Unfortunately, not everyone has the same filter and I've often found myself on the receiving end of some pretty blunt, judgemental or downright mean DMs. Which promptly get deleted. The weirdest one was my decision to get vaccinated while pregnant. I couldn't believe the kinds of messages people felt entitled to send me – really vile stuff."

What do you want people to know about parenting in the public eye?  

"I don't know what it is about parenting that makes us all feel like we have the right to judge others' choices, but it's something even I find myself doing! Do I let those judgemental thoughts become words that I then communicate? Hell no!"

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Nilu Noble, @melbourneescapades

What are your thoughts and experiences on parent shaming?

"When we become parents, we enter this completely new world with so many expectations. Parenting is such a beautiful thing when you follow what's true to you and also your little love. Don't focus on how our children should be, how they should act, how they should react. Parent shaming is something I don't have time for. Keep on moving – ain't nobody got time for that!"

What do you want people to know about parenting in the public eye?  

"With regards to parenting online, I feel sometimes as parents, and also children, we need to portray this 'version' of us. This definitely doesn't have to be the case. Children are such free spirits. If you are welcoming of that, the imaginary burden we sometimes carry with us disappears."

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Fiona Falkiner, @fionafalkiner

What are your thoughts and experiences on parent shaming?

"Parenting in the public eye comes with both positives and negatives. Hayley and I are fortunate that it's been more positive than negative, but I think the one thing people need to remember before they make any comment is that just like them, we are doing our best."

What do you want people to know about parenting in the public eye?  

"Parenting comes with so many challenges, and Hayley and I have been very open about this to help other parents see that this is no easy ride and we are just like any other parent surviving each day to day."

Fiona also noted to Mamamia that although there's been challenging moments, there's also a lot of support out there online.

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And that's something she cherishes.

"We have received so many great messages from other parents out there - from sleep or feeding advice, or other parents sharing in the hilarious moments that come with kids. We love it. I guess the beauty of parenting in the public eye is you never feel alone – and at the end of the day it takes a village!"

Have you ever experienced parent shaming? Feel free to share in the comments below.

Feature Image: Instagram @sarahmariefahd, @seanszeps, @fionafalkiner.

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