How do you sit down in these dresses? A very serious investigation.

The 97th Academy Awards (otherwise known as the day we pretend to be working on our laptops but are frantically refreshing our feeds to see who's wearing what) are upon us once more.

Each year we obsess over the gowns — the colours, the designers, the trends — but there's a critical element of red-carpet dressing we're all overlooking: logistics.

How the bloody hell do these women sit down?

Watch: Emma Stone and Dave McCary at the Oscars. Post continues below. 

Because while I can barely fold myself into my desk chair in stretchy jeans without some sort of ungraceful shimmy-shuffle, celebrities are out here wearing architectural structures and somehow... sitting in them?

We're talking skirts so wide they need their own postcode.

Ball gowns so capacious they could house a family of four.

Trains so lengthy they require their own entourage.

As someone who considers it a personal victory when I don't spill coffee on my work shirt (and therefore an expert in this field), I have questions. Serious, investigative, journalistic questions.

Remember when Dua Lipa showed us the reality of sitting down in a tight dress? That Instagram video where she's essentially performing gymnastics just to lower herself onto a seat?

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Well, this year's Oscars situation is arguably worse. These aren't just tight dresses — they're mountains of fabric that require strategic navigation just to enter a building. Let alone a car?

Take Ariana Grande, who arrived in a stunning Schiaparelli Couture gown that defied both gravity and common sense. The blush pink creation (of course, in keeping with her Glinda-inspired aesthetic) featured a tailored bodice with a sculptural peplum waist that jutted out like an IKEA lamp.

Image: Getty/Temu. 

Meanwhile, Cynthia Erivo commanded attention in a custom Louis Vuitton creation that took the sitting challenge to new heights. The dark forest-green velvet gown (green for Elphaba… groundbreaking) featured an exaggerated off-the-shoulder neckline with a spiky collar that looked capable of taking someone's eye out if she turned too quickly… although no one can get in a one-kilometre radius of her with that train.

Not to be outdone in the logistics, actress Stacy Martin arrived in a Louis Vuitton creation. Her metallic, embellished gown glimmered with silver embroidery throughout, catching light from every angle — useful if you need to signal a rescue helicopter because you've become stuck on… literally anything you walk past.

The fitted bodice gave way to a structured, tent-like skirt that looked generous enough to take camping.

Stacy Martin and Cynthia Erivo keeping people far away with their gowns. Image: Getty. 

I think my favourite was Whoopi Goldberg. Her custom Christian Siriano creation in midnight-blue iridescent fabric reminded me of the mercury in the old temperature thermometer — hypnotic, potentially hazardous, and absolutely not designed to be folded into a theatre seat.

And I have some theories on how they actually allow for such gigantic gowns.

Sources close to me (my imagination) confirm that many stars are secretly reserving two seats for the ceremony. One for them, and one for their dress. That's right — despite being the tiniest humans in Hollywood, they require double the real estate.

And it makes perfect sense when you consider what we've been seeing on the red carpet. These gowns don't just expand outward — they're three-dimensional entities with minds of their own.

Which leads me to a very serious investigation…

My sit-down logistical hypothesis.

The mechanics of sitting in these creations likely involve one of the following methods.

The hover approach: Lowering oneself approximately 80 per cent of the way down, then freezing in a semi-squat until a team of stylists arranges the fabric underneath you.

The side slide: Never approaching a chair head-on, but rather sliding in sideways like you're parallel parking a semi-trailer.

The fabric fold: A complex origami technique where layers are strategically folded to avoid crushing, creasing, or committing fashion crimes.

The stand-all-night strategy: The most probably option. Just don't sit down at all. You've spent months preparing for this moment — what's another four hours of standing?

So as we admire the glamour and the fashion, let's pour one out for the celebrities navigating the physics-defying challenge of actually existing in these gowns.

Feature image: Getty.