'The one thing women who orgasm more often have in common (and it's not what you think).'

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This article originally appeared on Ruth's Substack, Something For The Weekend. Sign up here. You can also access her website for more advice, here.

There's lots of talk of the orgasm gap in heterosexual sex — the difference in the frequency with which heterosexual men orgasm during partnered encounters compared to women. The biggest study on this was of over 52,000 adults and it's the one which brought the phenomenon to wider attention.

Listen: The one type of sex we never talk about. Article continues below.

The study didn't only ask about frequency, however. It looked at what was working for the 65 per cent of heterosexual women who said they DID orgasm in partnered sex (compared to 95 per cent of heterosexual men).

Orgasm isn't the be-all and end all, of course, but for those who want to cum more or want to support their partners too, here's what was found:

"Compared to women who orgasmed less frequently, women who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to: receive more oral sex, have longer duration of sex, be more satisfied with their relationship, ask for what they want in bed, praise their partner for something they did in bed, call/email to tease about doing something sexual, wear sexy lingerie, try new sexual positions, anal stimulation, act out fantasies, incorporate sexy talk, and express love during sex."

What are the threads that links all the above?

Enthusiasm and communication.

I work as a sex coach. Image: Supplied.

If you're a woman you may be thinking: "It'd be easy to be enthusiastic if I was getting long play sessions with plenty of oral, with a partner worth praising, who I felt comfortable talking sexy to."

Indeed … but if you don't have that and you want it, don't wait for your partner to magically change. Take charge yourself. Review that list again and you'll see most of the items involve you being active, not passive.

It may well be that the person you've shared your bed with for 20-plus years and is the co-creator of your children, can be that partner you start to regularly orgasm with, if he's not at the moment.

I know from working with so many clients that a little bit of effort can go a very long way.

Let's break down that list with an action point for each:

1. Receive more oral sex: You need to love your vulva to be comfortable receiving. If you don't, please take a look at my 20-minute talk on vulva confidence for the Delvvy 100 Days Of Sex Education series.

2. Have longer duration of sex: This doesn't mean longer P-i-V. Widen your definition of what sex is, to all sorts of pleasurable erotically-changed physical and mental connection.

3. Be more satisfied with your relationship: You won't want to have sex with someone you're annoyed with or feel let down by. If you know your relationship needs work and you've ignored that, get your head out of the sand and work on it (books, podcasts, counselling).

4. Ask for what you want in bed: Get over the shyness of talking about sex. The Playbook helps hugely with this as it gives you a framework for discussion, and you are approaching the topic as a team.

5. Praise your partner for something they did in bed: Hopefully you can think of something?! Cast back to the past if necessary.

6. Call/email to tease about doing something sexual — or text. It doesn't have to be super-explicit.

7. Wear sexy lingerie: Back when I started out as a stripper, sexy lingerie could only be found in shops in Soho. Now it's all over the high street and internet. I personally love fishnet/fencenet body stockings — they are cheap, very stretchy, and erotic! But choose what makes YOU feel good.

8. Try new sexual positions: This can be a simple change to an existing position, or something you know you won't be able to hold for ages but would give a new sensation.

9. Anal stimulation — recommended for all genders. For newbies this is gentle stroking externally around the area, that's all.

10. Act out fantasies, or talk about them: See my recommendation for Gillian Anderson's book Want, if you need help getting comfortable with the topic. Read a few of those out to each other and you'll feel far more comfortable sharing your own.

11. Incorporate sexy talk: You don't have to aim to be like an adult movie star! Just a bit of "I love when you touch me like that.. that feels so good" works.

12. Express love during sex: If you are having sex with a long-term partner I hope this is easy to express.

If you are disappointed with your sex life, ask yourself honestly how many of the above list have been part of your interactions recently.

Which would you feel comfortable to bring into your sex life, which would make the biggest difference to your pleasure?

Watch: Five interesting ways women can reach orgasm. Post continues below.

I'd say the list above applies, whatever your gender. Including the sexy lingerie, guys — there's more available to you now than cotton boxers, don't underestimate how much a little grooming and a pair of sexy briefs may turn your partner on!

I hope you'll use the list as inspiration this weekend.

Sign up to Ruth's Substack, Something For The Weekend, here.

Feature image: Canva.