EM VERNEM: 'Just some constructive feedback on whoever made Oprah's Australian itinerary.'

I'm just gonna get straight to it: Oprah Winfrey's recent tour of Australia was a sham.

Sorry. Too much?

The international icon has been living it up on our doorstep and according to her social posts, has allegedly been having a really good time. In Sydney, she set up shop in the quaint $46,000-a-night penthouse at Sydney's Crown Towers.

The closest I've been to seeing her is when I went on my morning walk past the Crown and saw these huge black vans parked out front. I asked a guy tending to the garden, "Who's staying here?" to which he promptly replied, "Dunno."

So, yeah… I basically met Oprah.

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Thanks to the constant hounding of paparazzi and her own vlogging of her trip, we know that she went to Bills for the ricotta hotcakes. The video seemed to cut out just before she was about to say that she lined up outside the restaurant at 7am only to be promptly seated at 11am (which is an integral part of the Bills experience).

She has been doing a lot of fun things outside of Sydney as well, like trekking the Waterfall Gully to Mount Lofty trail in Adelaide and crashing an 80th birthday party in Brisbane which was apparently cute? Yet, when I do it, I'm met with people screaming, "Who the hell are you?" and "Ma'am, you're scaring the patients."

The problem I have with Oprah's itinerary is that she said these places were recommended by a close friend of us both: Hugh Jackman…. and yeah, I can tell.

Here are a few stops I would've added to the itinerary to truly test her fortitude and give her a story worth more than the cost of that penthouse suite.

Totti's.

If you want the authentic Sydney bread experience, you head to Totti's. Now, picture this: Oprah, her driver, her full-time security, and her assistants trying to snag a reservation without a three-months-in-advance booking.

I would also love to see her swatting away flies with bits of stringy prosciutto and I just know she would froth at the opportunity to cut into a gooey sack of burratta. Honestly, talking about this is really making me excited for my next Totti's dining experience in *checks calendar* May 2026.

Central Station.

This is where the real self-discovery happens. Ditch the private jet fuel bill, and have a go at one of the hardest escape rooms our country has to offer— AKA Central Station.

The challenge? Whoever finds the Eddy Avenue exit first wins a million bucks, and if you end up in the tunnel that goes on for approx five million years? You're out (and probably stuck there forever).

Pondi.

Did Oprah truly see Sydney's West? Did she gaze upon the majestic, man-made wonder that is Pondi? I'm talking about the "beach" in Penrith that somehow exists in the middle of a suburb that is nowhere near a coastline.

It's the equivalent of having a beautiful, scenic garden in a completely arid desert. It's illogical, it makes no sense, and yet us outer westerners claim it like our first born child. It's a testament to Australian ingenuity, or maybe just our collective need to be near some form of water. It's the kind of thing that makes you ask… "Why?" And that, Oprah, is a journey for the soul.

The Sydney Metro.

Let's be honest, this is the nicest offering we have. I just know Oprah has been asked by approximately 34 middle-aged dads if she's checked it out yet, and she should've listened.

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Pitt Street Mall.

If she truly enjoys the 'In Conversation' format, she needs to try the art of dodging. Dodging children, buskers, tourists, finance bros, and dogs. Pitt Street Mall is an exercise in mental toughness and spatial awareness. You can't just float through the crowd, you have to navigate it. It's a sensory overload and the perfect place for a celebrity to truly go unnoticed, not because they're hiding, but because everyone else is too busy trying not to collide with a backpacker.

Parramatta River & Holy Basil.

Parramatta River? Don't knock it till you try it. This is where you connect with the real pulse of Western Sydney. And once you're done with the scenic (and slightly questionable) waterfront views, you head straight for some genuine soul food. Holy Basil absolutely slaps. Forget the 'best bread of your life'; this is about the best flavour of your life, consumed while you try to find a parking spot that doesn't exist. It's humbling.

Kings Cross Station after 11pm.

I refuse to say more about this one, because some things are best left to the imagination.

If you want more from Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.

Feature image: Instagram/Oprah