What Mel Robbins and Oprah get wrong about estrangement.

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As a psychologist, I read Mel Robbins' recent guest essay in the New York Times on adult children estranged from their parents, with a familiar sense of annoyance.

Here we go again, I thought, while reading a self-help behemoth who holds a law degree and a powerhouse brand, venturing far outside her lane to armchair diagnose a profoundly complex psychological landscape.

Her core argument is that adult children are cutting off parents primarily to avoid "uncomfortable conversations".

I cannot stress enough that this is a significant oversimplification. It's also a harmful minimisation that misses the painful, protective truth of estrangement for many adult children. Oprah has since aired multiple episodes covering the same topic, without exploring the real harms parents do to their children.

Watch: Family estrangement and #nocontact have been on the rise for years. We discuss if it's really all Oprah's fault. Post continues below.

Let's be clear, Robbins is a skilled motivator and marketer, but she is not a mental health professional. There is a world of difference between coaching someone to boost productivity while packaging basic Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques to the masses and clinically understanding the legacy of family trauma and dysfunction.

To suggest estrangement and arguments with your family are largely a failure of courage, and simply a refusal to have tough talks, ignores the decades of evidence and lived experience that show it is almost always a last resort, born of considered thought and profound pain.

For many adult children who struggle with direct conversations and healthy conflict, they may unnecessarily go no contact. Sometimes, no contact is reactive.

However, other times it is necessary.

Oprah is also a television and business powerhouse who tackles many challenging and complex topics in her decades in the public eye. She is not a mental health professional.

Rarely, if ever, is a child's decision to sever a parental relationship made lightly. It is not the emotional equivalent of cancelling a subscription. It can feel like an emotional amputation, a choice filled with doubt, grief and sadness made when maintaining contact is untenable, and finally outweighs the biological and social imperative of the bond.

The "difficult conversation" Robbins champions presumes a foundation of mutual respect and a capacity for change in the other party. What is omitted are the common conditions that make these conversations difficult, futile, and sometimes re-traumatising.

When estrangement occurs, we are talking about histories of abuse that can include emotional, physical, and sexual. There might be addictions and behaviours that are still evident.

Often, we are talking about persistent emotional immaturity in parents, where every interaction becomes a tug of war that includes manipulation and guilt.

We are talking about entrenched dysfunctional patterns where an adult child's boundaries are seen as insults and their autonomy as betrayal. Estrangement can lead to loneliness, anxiety, and disrupted family connections. It can lead to low self-esteem and prolonged stress.

In these situations, a "difficult conversation" is not a path to resolution.  The adult child has often had these conversations, in every form, for years. Estrangement is what happens when they realise the conversation cannot continue anymore, and the relationship in its current form is unworkable and impacting their wellbeing.

Listen: Everyone's talking about a particular Oprah Winfrey show episode about family estrangement, and there's one pretty big problem. Post continues below.

Robbins' framework places the onus for repair squarely on the adult child, framing estrangement as their passive avoidance. This ignores the agency and, ironically, the radical responsibility the estranged child is actually taking. They are finally prioritising their peace, perhaps for the short term, but sometimes in the long.

They are choosing to break a cycle, and to label this as ghosting or conflict aversion is a profound misunderstanding. It can be difficult enough for adult children to explain to other family members or friends about their estrangement, as it is not a topic understood well. They don't need the added shame.

A concerning part of this conversation is its cultural ripple effect. For every reader genuinely reflecting on Robbins' words is another estranged adult child reading them, feeling freshly invalidated.

Thinking about how their agonising decision has been reduced to an uneducated 'gotcha' of emotional cowardice. It reinforces the very societal shame and pressure they have had to overcome to choose their own well-being. It tells them their deeply felt boundary is an adult tantrum.

I am thinking about estranged family members everywhere, holding onto how they wish their relationships could be, and the pain of knowing the impossibility of it. Family estrangement can occur through significant neglect of the relationship. It can also be a conscious choice by a family member when there is no other emotionally safe path left.

When it comes to estranged adult children, I encourage Robbins to take her own advice and to 'let them' make their own choices with their family members they know best.

Carly Dober is a psychologist in clinical practice living and working in Narrm/Melbourne, working specifically with trauma and eating disorders. Her clinic Enriching Lives Psychology offers national support, and more can be found about her here. She is also a policy coordinator at the Australian Association of Psychologists Inc. You can follow her on Instagram here.

Feature Image: Getty.