It’s happened again and my vagina is… hurting.
It all started a week ago, when women noticed a puzzling pair of bikini bottoms sold by Beginning Boutique.
"Oh, okay," the women responded. "Those swimmers ignore the fact that females have genitalia but okay."
A number of comment threads on the brand's swimwear went viral, with women making such observations as:
"Hmm, nice clit hammock. Sell anything for women with vaginas?"
"If this woman has a small camel toe wearing this I'd look like a panda sat on a tightrope."
"Do you have any suitable for mums with vaginas that hang like the sleeve of a wizard?"
You can see exactly what happened when Clare Stephens tried Beginning Boutique's bikini bottoms here:
"Man my vagina would eat these up... if you're happy and you know it clap your flaps."
Lovely.
And now, the clit hammock is back (it... it never went anywhere), courtesy of online retailer, Black Swallow. But now, it's in one-piece form, giving the ladies the benefit of a) no where to fit your breasts AS WELL AS b) no where to fit your vagina.
The Boracay swimsuit will set you back $49, which seems like a fair price for a one-piece but not a fair price for the fact you're still... nude.
As soon as actual human women saw the ad, they started leaving wildly vivid and vulgar comments because of course they did.
Some highlights include:
"Omg this is stunning! I’m buying one right after my surgery to remove my vagina."
"Her clitoris wins the bird box challenge."
"This would disappear into most women faster than a vodka soda."
"When you forget to pack your cozzie for a pool party and you have to borrow the random one some 10 year old left behind last time."
"I'm guessing you're called 'swallow' because your clothing is designed to be swallowed by a vagina?"
Ladies, pls.
While some have suggested that the viral comments about 'clit hammock' swimwear constitutes body shaming, I can speak from experience when I say: Sir... no.
This isn't about making fun of the women modelling the swimmers.
This is about the fact that for the average human woman, genitals are a thing that preferably need to fit inside swimwear.
I tried the Beginning Boutique bikini bottoms recently, and had to WEAR NUDE STOCKINGS IN ORDER TO SIGNAL THE PART OF MY VAGINA THAT WOULD BE ON DISPLAY.
Please, no more clit hammocks. Or boob... slings.
On behalf of people with vaginas, we want to SWIM. And PLAY. And WALK.
Preferably without worrying we're going to pop a flap.
Watch: The evolution of bikinis.
