'My husband is "one and done", but I want another baby.'

My husband, Griffo, told me almost a year ago that he doesn’t want another baby. He is 'one and done'.

His actual words were, “I am 95 per cent sure I don’t want baby number two. I just can’t do it again.”

However, my entire body screams daily that I am not finished birthing children.

The crazy thing is, I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids before our son was born. I was petrified of becoming a mum. But as soon as I had my son Memphis, I knew I was born to be a mum, especially his mother.

So, what do you do when two people love each other but want very different things?

Do you leave? Start a family with someone else?

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I'm not going to lie; I have thought about this a lot. But I love my husband and I love our family and we are a great team.

But he is taking away the one thing my heart desires. Another baby.

I know that might seem crazy as f**k to say, but that is honestly what went through my mind. I have never been so sure about wanting another child. 

He has never been so sure about not wanting another child.

But if you don’t leave… what do you do? Well, we hired a relationship coach who specialises in communication.

We also decided to share our therapy sessions on our podcast with our audience, who have been following our journey since Memphis was only one week old.

The response has been life-changing not only for us, but also others who are currently going through the same situation.

You may wonder why we're doing this so publicly. Shouldn’t we keep such a personal conversation private?

The answer is no.

You see, we feel safe with a microphone between us.

When we are talking about baby number two and there is no mic, we don’t hear each other. Both of us are backed up into our own corners, playing on opposing teams. We are either in “Team Defence” or “Team Run for your fucking life” and shut the conversation down.

Neither one of us hearing a single word the other is saying; both just stating our case over and over, like a politician does when questioned.

If we kept going like this, maybe I would have left him.

He might have left, too, because there was no resolution.

To be brutally honest, our podcast has saved our marriage. It has helped us listen, see and feel the other one in ways we never thought was possible.

Our coach, James “Fish” Gill, has been teaching us skilful communication. And when we consciously listen to the other person and acknowledge their pain and yearning, something magical happens – our guards come down.

We hear each other.

We see each other, and we meet in the middle.

We stop playing on opposing teams and we start to work towards the same goal.

This isn’t easy, especially when you are feeling angry – believe me, it takes constant practice and rewiring of our brains. It really is a skill, and one they should teach us in primary school. We would see a lot less hate in the world and comments sections online would be a much kinder place if we all tried to see one another’s pain behind each other’s intentions.

Just this week, I said to Griffo in our therapy session, "I know you fear feeling empty again."

I continued:

"I know you get upset thinking about how we're just getting back on track with our relationship. What if we go backwards? I know that you're scared to have baby number two because you lost your spark and your drive and your motivation after our first.

"I know that must feel really scary because you had a dark cloud over your head for such a long time, and I can see the sparkle in your eye again. I know it must be scary to think that you could go back.

"And I know that must have been lonely when there were times you felt like you couldn't talk about it and you were just putting one foot in front of the other to survive, for Memphis and me.

"I totally understand that these are all big fears and things that you're scared and worried about; I really do understand that."

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We still have no solid answer on baby number two and whichever way we decide to go, there is no winner.

When we are asked by others about having another child and I tell them our status honestly, most people are shocked and some suggestions I’ve been met with have been interesting.

"You should poke a hole in the condom and trap him with number two," was one. And yes, we are still using condoms as he is taking no chances, but seriously, is that the only answer?

This is exactly WHY we are having these conversations – because so many of us are going through this real-life situation and this is the advice we’ve been given.

Our mission is to give others the gift of our honesty, so they don’t have to battle alone and can try to healthily communicate their way to an agreement on baby number two with tools and support.

What I’ve realised over the past year, is that if we are to have another child, we both have to be 100 per cent ready and the only way we are going to get to an answer is through these very hard conversations that we are having in our relationship therapy coaching sessions.

Heidi Anderson is an author and media personality. She is mum to Memphis.

Feature Image: Instagram/heidianderson.