'I had a lot of doubts before my wedding, but went ahead anyway. Here’s what I wish I knew then.'

I have always been a 'relationship girl', ever since I had my first boyfriend at 12 years old (we held hands once and he bought me a shell necklace when he went on a family holiday — very serious stuff).

I did not really have a type as such, but the most consistent attribute in my ex-boyfriends is that they were all confident, and I was not. I was a very insecure teenager and a notorious people pleaser who sought external validation constantly.

It is so clear to me now, that for a long time my self-worth was very dependent on how other people made me feel and I felt like I needed a partner in order to be happy.

I had a tendency to date boys who seemed more confident than I was, hoping that their confidence might rub off on me.

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I jumped from relationship to relationship, without spending enough time on myself in between to figure out the type of person who might actually be aligned with me and my values.

So, when I met my ex-husband, I had only been single for about six months. My first impression was that he was extremely confident and — as my dating history would suggest — I was attracted to that. The relationship evolved quite quickly and there were a lot of high highs at the beginning.

We moved in together after six months, bought a gorgeous puppy, and it very much felt like what we had would be a forever thing. However, about nine months in, I had this niggling feeling that we were not totally aligned.

This feeling would come and go — so I kept it to myself — a little tug of war in my head. At times, it was very strong to the point where I would feel sick to my stomach. And at other times, it was just a faint whisper in the back of my mind. It wasn't just the little things; it was a deeper feeling, a sense of disconnection that grew over time.

I often wondered how much doubt is normal in a relationship. My parents split up when I was young, so I did not really have anything to compare it to in terms of a happy, successful, long-term relationship. I did not know what healthy conflict resolution looked like. I did not know how many chances you should give someone when they cross your boundaries. I spent a lot of time convincing myself that it would be okay and I could make it work. As long as they are apologetic and tell you that they love you, you stay, right?

Society often pressures us to conform to certain ideals about love and marriage. The fairytale narrative— that love conquers all — had been ingrained in me since childhood. I wanted to be a woman who made it work, who fought for her relationship, who stood strong against adversity, for better or for worse. But I came to realise that even though love is not always perfect, it is certainly not supposed to be as hard as it was.

"I spent a lot of time convincing myself that it would be okay." Image: Supplied.

The fear of judgment loomed large. I wanted to leave, but I worried about how my decision would be perceived by friends, family, acquaintances, and even strangers. Would they think I was failing? Would they question my choices? Would they think less of me as a person? These thoughts played on repeat in my mind, drowning out the voice that urged me to take a step back and reevaluate my situation. 

But as time passed, the signs became harder to ignore. I felt increasingly anxious and it was gnawing at me daily. I realised I was suppressing my true feelings out of fear — fear of what others would say, fear of being alone, and the fear of the unknown. It was a heavy burden to carry, and I knew deep down that I could not continue living in a way that did not resonate with my true self.

I kept hoping that things would improve, I kept hoping that he would choose me one day and I really hoped that if I kept waiting, I would receive the love back that I had given for so long. But finally, I reached a breaking point, and the hope dried up. I realised that I was in love with the potential of my relationship, rather than what it actually was.

I chose to listen to my gut and prioritise my happiness. Leaving a marriage is never an easy decision, especially when you have invested years of time and effort into it. But I learnt that sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to follow your intuition, even when it goes against societal expectations. Just before I ended the relationship, I asked my therapist what I should do. He told me it was not up to him to tell me whether to stay or leave, instead he asked me an important question: "If other people's judgement and opinions were completely irrelevant, what decision would you make?". The answer was clear.  

Today, I stand firm in my decision. I know that ending that relationship was the best thing I have ever done for myself (along with a lot of therapy). I have learnt that it's okay to prioritise my own wellbeing and that it's never too late to turn the page and change your life. Finally deciding to trust my gut was a pivotal moment in my life, and it has taught me the importance of being true to myself, regardless of what others might think.

In sharing my story, I hope to encourage others who may feel trapped in a situation that does not serve them. Your feelings are valid, and it is essential to listen to that inner voice. You deserve to live authentically and pursue the happiness you seek. Remember, it is never too late to step away and choose a path that aligns with who you truly are, whether that is with a partner or not.

Feature: Supplied.