It's okay to be sad at Christmas

Christmas isn’t a happy time for everyone. It can also be a time of incredible stress, sadness and loneliness.

We want to acknowledge those who are struggling at this time of the year. Whether your sadness is due to financial problems, the loss of a loved one or perhaps the the pressure to spread cheer is just too much. For some, the focus isn’t on gifts and family, it’s just about getting through the festive season and counting down the hours until it is over.

Some are far away from family members. Others are single and don’t see the point of celebrating the day without the children and partner they long for.

Jen shared her story:

When I was 10 years old my three year old brother Michael drowned in our swimming pool on Christmas Day. He was the youngest of us five children. It was 1977 and our family has never really recovered.

I often think (childishly), ‘if he had to die, why couldn’t it have been on some innocuous day – June 6 or October 14. Some day that just floats past. But no, it was December 25 and there’s no escaping my parents’ unhappiness, no matter how hard they try or we try.

That day I lost a brother, my happy parents, and Christmas. There were good Christmases ‘BEFORE’ Michael’s death and largely awkward, sad, sensitive ones ‘AFTER’.

There’s no point in trying to ignore Christmas  and certainly now I have my own kids it’s fun again, but I can’t escape my parents’ pain and they’re certainly entitled to their grief. Since I was 10 years old I always know at some point on Christmas Day my mother (and probably my father) would cry. That’s hard. Even more than 30 years later.

But only last week did I read something that helps, ‘Christmas is compulsory. Like a thunderstorm – we’re all in it together.’ It doesn’t HAVE to be happy happy joy joy every minute. It’s a rare family who isn’t missing someone. It’s a day. The food is delicious, the kids have a ball and every year we try, really hard, to have a happy Christmas. For that, I’m proud of my family and grateful to them.

We haven’t given up because like our family, Christmas endures.

Karol writes at our sister site iVillage UK:

I lost a baby several years ago a week before Christmas. I was lying in the hospital bed hearing the nurses having a party somewhere and for some reason singing “Nelly the Elephant” (just something that stuck in my mind).

After that I couldn’t face decorations and lights or anything. I felt there would be nothing to celebrate ever again and to be honest I really didn’t care. There was then no point to anything.

Gradually over the years I did start putting up a tree and lights again. I now do it in memory of my baby but I also do it for me because I like to sit in the warm glow of the tree lights.

Bob writes:

I am dreading Christmas this year too.

This will be the first since my wife left. I am going to my sisters to be with my family, but I know i will get upset and to be honest would maybe rather be on my own. Plus my mum will be there and she is an alcoholic and always manages to upset everyone and spoil it all. The christmas music on TV is already starting to upset me and i have decided not to put up any decorations in my house.

I think it is just the time of year. We are all EXPECTED to to have a wonderful happy time with our families, but in reality most people have bad times. Families who dont usually meet get together and then arguments ensue. On top of that people get so into debt for christmas that it stresses them out and for the rest of the year.

I am sure you will not be the only one feeling sad. All those houses you see with people having fun and having a great time, well are they? or are they just doing it out of ‘tradition’ and to keep the peace.

Clinical Psychologist Jo Lamble says there are many ways you can cope with the festive season. ‘This is the time when we should be thinking of other people.”

She also has some brilliant tips for the following situations:

If you have lost a loved one at Christmas:

“Don’t be surprised if you find the lead up or the days after Christmas are harder than the day itself. Grief comes in waves and the waves are unpredictable. What we do know is that the intensity and frequency of the waves decrease over time.”

Are forced to spend time with relatives you don’t get along with:

“Focus on the people you do like and be polite to the relatives you hate. Christmas is not the time to confront long-term issues.”

Don’t enjoy being forced to be festive:

“Limit the time you spend with people who are celebrating. Maybe stay for the main meal only or just drop in for a Chrissy drink. Who knows, you might even enjoy yourself and stay longer than planned.”

Are feeling lonely:

“Try to accept every invitation that comes your way. If there are no invitations, keep a look-out for other Christmas orphans to team up with or offer to help out in a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. ”

Find out more at jolamble.com or through her Facebook page.

Jo Lamble and our very own Jo Abi appeared on Channel Ten’s Wake Up this morning to discuss Christmas stress and loneliness.

For help with sadness, depression and anxiety contact Beyond Blue.

Do you struggle at this time of the year?