"All the thoughts that run through my head when I see a baby."

It happened last weekend.

I was sitting in a cafe with my sister when something caught my attention.

A pram. I knew what would be inside, but somehow I still wasn’t prepared. The pram came to a halt just inches from our table, and that’s when I saw it.

A foot. A tiny, silly, flat, pointless little foot.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT FOOT YOU DON’T NEED IT, IT’S NOT LIKE YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE.

Maybe it was the fact I was slightly hungover, or maybe it was the generally tumultuous state of my life, but my reaction was… inappropriate.

Upon seeing a baby who can’t have been more than six months old, I cried. Actual tears came out of my eyes. Because of the cuteness. 

"Ummm... why?" you ask.

Well, here is a definitive list of all the things that go through my head when I see a baby. Frankly, it's overwhelming.

• OH goodness, hello there. What are you doing? You look very silly in those clothes. YOUR PANTS ARE THE SAME LENGTH AS SHORTS BUT ON YOU THEY ARE PANTS.

• May I sniff you on that part of your head where the smell comes from?

• Your hands are very fat. That's why you can't lift things. If you needed to lift things. Which you don't.

• How are you so fat when you only eat mush?

• Doesn't the mush taste stupid?

• WHAT DO YOU DREAM ABOUT.

• 

• You're smiling. Why?

• Your neck isn't real.

• How are you meant to learn to walk when your legs become feet and there are no ankles?

• And also when your feet are square?

• ....perfectly square.

• (That's ok)

• Straight up, your face is silly.

• WHY CAN'T YOU SPEAK.

• You have just enough teeth to be able to eat things but not enough to make you not look ridiculous.

• You bop up and down when you get excited because you don't know where to PUT your energy.

• You suck at eating. Like, you're terrible at it.

• WHAT EVEN ARE YOUR ELBOWS?

• You literally can't exist without help. Like, a lot of help.

• You look really surprised but there's actually nothing surprising about this environment.

• YOU LOOK ALL SWEATY AND PUFFED OUT BUT I KNOW FOR A FACT YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE.

• Can I pick you up?

• When your mum inevitably asks for you back (why though?) I'm going to go like this:

• Oh, I like cuddling you very much.

• You like my face. Well, I like your face more. May I nibble on it?

• I NEED YOU TO KNOW HOW LOVED YOU ARE.
• Why do you always have a little bit of a rash on your chin?

• I cannot. I can't handle it anymore.

• You must stop...

• (Don't stop)

Love from the creep waving (and crying) from the other side of the cafe.

Baby-obsessed individuals will adore Mamamia's parenting podcast, This Glorious Mess. Listen to the latest episode here: