'Follow campsite rules'. My 9 non-negotiable dating rules.

I'm one of those people who likes to save their existential life crisis’ for midnight, and last Sunday was no different. I was having a good ol’ ponder about all the important things in life whilst tossing and turning in a bed also occupied by a snoring chihuahua. Loved that for me. 

Now let me assure you, it was certainly nothing too serious. I was just thinking about what I want from life. Ideally an air conditioner and a King Bed with giant fluffy pillows. But also, a life partner who ticks enough boxes to warrant giving up the good life. Aka single life.  

Someone who is kind, loving, and doesn't repeat the same patterns of boyfriends past.

And so, I did what all those useful self-help podcasts rant on about; I got out of bed and wrote a list (apparently a brain dump on paper does wonders for getting back to sleep.)

This was a list of rules for my future fella, and re-reading it the next morning in the light of day, I have to say I’m pretty chuffed with it!

Sure, these rules may be slightly controversial, but sharing is caring, and not only do I want the best for myself but also my fellow single ladies.

Watch: Dating: Translated. Post continues after video.

Plus, having been single for quite a few years now, I’ve unfortunately got to witness the sneaky, cheeky behaviour men get up to behind their girlfriend and wives backs.

So, I want a set of rules that help me avoid dating someone like that. Which means I have to be brutal yet fair.

Here I present to you my rules of non-negotiables:

1. No foreplay, no bueno.

You would think this is an obvious one, but you would be surprised by the number of blokes who think a grunt and a boob grab is a perfectly good invitation to bed. If a man doesn’t know how to press my (numerous) buttons, then this relationship is DOA. A compliment, a back rub, and some horny fondling will take you far, my friend.

2. No farting. At all. Whatsoever.

I said what I said! Unsightly bodily functions play no part in my relationships. My parents were married for 20 years without one single ‘toot’ being heard. I find it to be the biggest mood killer. So, for the record: I don’t want to be dutch-ovened. I don’t think it’s funny to let one rip on a road trip with the windows up. And I certainly don’t want to detect your dietary imbalances by the scent of your horrendous pop-off. Clench those butt cheeks, lads.

3. It’s a hard NO to liking other girls thirst traps on Instagram.

The instant pang I’ve felt when I’ve seen my man’s name under every hot girls' insta pics. The first time is like a teeny tiny needle prick to the heart, but when you see them time and time again, those needle pricks begin to wear the ol’ ticker out. Nope, if he’s a serial liker on a public forum, imagine what he’s like when you’re not around. Nope, nope, nope.

4. No phones at dinner.

There’s nothing more annoying (or rude) than an incoming text ruining a good conversation. If they can’t give me their full attention for one darn dinner, it’s a “cheque please” from me.

5. Equally, it’s a deal breaker if you slide into other girls DM’s.

The number of men with their wedding photo as their Instagram profile pic who slide into my DMs is outrageous. They will send me fire emojis or tell me how hot I look in a certain dress. Not cool. Not on.

Listen: Dating, Relationships & Dating Again. Post continues after podcast.

6. STD tests before we go condom-free.

This is a firm non-negotiable. When you get to your 30s and beyond, I think it’s safe to say you’ve already lost your virginity. You’ve lived a life. So, for the sake of an itch-free groin, I refuse to date someone who won’t take 30 minutes of their day to go get a check-up.

7. No meeting kids until at least three months into a relationship.

I’m now at an age where I’m dating divorcees. This comes with its own special baggage. Usually some slight trauma from a brutal divorce, and some gorgeous kids who are certainly not ready to meet every woman Dad takes on a date.

I’ve made the mistake of meeting kids far too early, only to get a couple of weeks down the track and realised the guy really needs to work on himself before he tries to find a ‘replacement wife.’ 

Meeting the kids too early can result in heartbreak and confusion all round. Wait until you are 100 per cen positive the relationship has some lasting power before throwing kids into the mix. 

8. No future dates if you think 'Andrew Tate has a fair point.'

Do not pass go, do not collect your $200. This date is done.

I’ve been on two dates this year where we’ve made the risky decision to discuss some slightly controversial topics. These include Andrew Tate’s arrest, Jordan Peterson’s ideas on the #metoo movement and the Barbie Movie’s feminist themes. Oh dear god, I regret those dates. Anyone who utters the words. “To be fair, he kinda has a point” has no place on my dating rotation. Thank you, next!

9. Stick to Dan Savage’s 'campsite rule'.

And my final rule comes from popular sex columnist Dan Savage, who has one of the greatest dating rules ever created. He states: "Post-relationship, you should leave the person in at least as good a state, emotionally and physically, as they were when you met them, i.e. without STDs, unwanted pregnancies or without exposure to emotional trauma."

Just like happy campers attempt to leave their campsites as they found them – neat and tidy, so should you attempt to leave your relationships.

Amen to that! 

Feature Image: Supplied.

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