The best Big-Night-Gone-Bad story ever.

What did you get up to this weekend – a spot of tennis? Quick trip to the beach or park with the kids? Perhaps a wine or four?

Either way, we’re willing to bet you didn’t attempt to have sex with an ambulance.

But someone did.

Englishman Calum Ward, 25, has faced court this week for his drunken antics on a night out in late 2012. And it’s a story so good it should be incorporated into the next installment of the Hangover movie series.

Police found Ward in “relatively high spirits” at the bus stop in the town of Barnstaple on November 12th. In typical drunk person fashion, Ward told the officers he was headed home to sober up.

But CCTV footage revealed a sordid story. Cameras captured Ward in a phone box earlier in the night… setting fire to a packet of peanuts. While punching them (the peanuts that is, not the fire). There is no information available on what the peanuts did to trigger such a vicious attack.

After that, Ward approached a nearby ambulance and… well, he decided it would be a good idea to try and have sex with it.

Not in it. WITH IT.

In typically polite English fashion, the attending police officer commented: “It looks as though he is attempting to make love to the front of the ambulance.”

If there is a video somewhere that records that policeman having to say that sentence without laughing we want to see it. Please God, let there be footage.

Officers searched Ward and found him to be in possession of cannabis and amphetamines.

They must have been shocked.

Ward was unrepresented during his trial, and admitted to the magistrates he had been using drugs and drinking on the evening in question.

“I have seen the error of my ways with that,” he added.

He was sentenced to a community order with a supervision requirement for six months and ordered to pay £60.

The moral of the story? Don’t have sex with vehicles and don’t assault snackfoods.

Write that down.

What’s the most outrageous drunken story you’ve ever heard (or experienced yourself)?