The event? The 69th Directors Guild of America Awards.
The location? The Beverly Hilton Hotel.
The person? Nicole freakin’ Kidman.
The dress? A BLOOMIN’ BEADED BONANZA.
The beautiful midi frock Kidman wore on Saturday night was adorned with thousands of teeny tiny metallic beads, making a klutz (me) hyperventilate at the very thought of it colliding with a rogue fingernail.
So many beads. So little time for jagged fingernails.
You guys, I just have so many thoughts. Namely, they are:
- Is Nicole Kidman a unicorn?
- Her hair is the colour of a warm cinnamon bun.
- I bet she even smells like a warm cinnamon bun.
- Mmmmmm. Cinnamon bun.
- I wonder how she even put this thing on...
- Surely she didn't scrunch it up to slide in past her bum.
- That's not very Nicole-Kidman-esque.
- Did she step in? She probably stepped in.
- A unicorn lady with a million dressing assistants would totally step in.
- I wonder if those beads would chafe the inside of her arms?
- Good god chafing is THE WORST.
- Unicorn people probably don't chafe though, right?
- Right.
- And if they do there's always Vaso. And baby powder.
- Thank peanut butter and all that is holy that we have Vaso and baby powder.
- But with all of those beads how does she... um... move?
- Does she keep her arms to her sides at all times like a robot?
- OMG it's The Stepford Wives bloody 2.0.
- Does a tiny PA run around her in circles to protect the precious jewels on her dress?
- And how does Nicole sit down?
- The poor thing must've spent the whole time at dinner hovering over her chicken roulade like an awkwa...
- Oh. Okay cool. She just does it looking like that, then.
- Question: How much does this thing weigh?
- BECAUSE THERE ARE JUST SO MANY BEADS.
- Seriously so many freaking beads.
- It's a beading frenzy.
- Answer: it'd probably weigh a lot.
- I'm sweating just thinking about it.
- I bet Nicole Kidman works out.
- But, like, when she does, she probably doesn't even sweat.
- And if she did it'd definitely smell really nice.
- Like cinnamon buns, or something.
