CLARE STEPHENS: 'Please indulge my retelling of the Greatest Wedding Drama of the 21st Century.'

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When the world seems scary and uncontrollable, full of conflict and tragedy, I like to offer myself a moment of quiet reprieve. To focus on the lowest stakes. The highest gossip. The kind of story with a cursed wedding and a court case and a feud over a dress and family estrangement (okay no that part is actually quite sad) and now, just when I needed it, another wedding.

Watch: Mamamia Out Loud explain the Beckham/Peltz yacht feud. Post continues below.

The best part of this story is that it comes with photos, so it's like a picture book, really. The pictures help explain the quite complex plot — a plot that only makes sense when you remember everyone involved is either a celebrity and/or a billionaire.

So please indulge my retelling of the Greatest Wedding Drama of the 21st Century, starring actress, filmmaker, and heiress Nicola Peltz-Beckham and chef, photographer, professional husband Brooklyn Beckham.

***

Let me start at the end.

It's early August when Nicola, 30, and Brooklyn, 26, gather their loved ones for a vow renewal.

They have been married for roughly 1,200 days. Less than three and a half years.

But this vow renewal is well overdue. There were rumours they were planning on throwing a second wedding ceremony in the year after they were initially married, because their three-day, 500-person, $3 million dollar wedding day in April 2022 was, frankly, a "nightmare".

Image: Supplied/Instagram/@nicolaannepeltzbeckham.

They share photos of their vow renewal on Instagram and goodness they're beautiful. Nicola appears to be wearing a repurposed version of the dress her mother Claudia wore on her wedding day, and her father, Nelson, is pictured officiating the ceremony.

There are family photos. Adrien Brody is in attendance, which feels random. Nicola shares those classic 'getting ready' moments, including one where she's posing with her mum, topless.

Image: Supplied/Instagram/@nicolaannepeltzbeckham.

It's just.

I'm noticing something. And it's TINY, honestly. It's no big deal.

But fashion designer Alexander Wang is there. And the groom's… entire family, are not.

No Victoria or David Beckham. No Romeo or Cruz or Harper. It's all very Peltz and very little Beckham.

The Beckhams are holidaying in Europe, you see. Which is fine. Except you'd think that a) Brooklyn wouldn't plan a literal wedding when his parents were on holiday, and b) his parents wouldn't plan a holiday on the day of their son's literal wedding.

Their absence feels… intentional. And to explain why, let me take you back ~1200 days to another wedding. Well. A wedding between the same people. With some of the same guests. But with a different dress, a sabotaged dance, two fired event planners and an associated lawsuit.

The dress.

In the months leading up to Nicola and Brooklyn's April 2022 wedding, something strange happens.

While Nicola Peltz and her future mother-in-law Victoria Beckham had previously been quite gushy on Instagram, their interactions appear to be slowing down. They're not liking each other's posts. No love heart emoji comments. We all know what this means (we absolutely do not).

There is drama afoot.

The tabloids start reporting that Nicola was meant to be wearing a wedding dress designed by Victoria Beckham, but now will not. When the day finally comes, Nicola wears a custom Valentino Couture gown, and the rumours intensify: Nicola, allegedly, hated Victoria's f**king dress. She was never going to wear it. It wasn't her style.

Shortly after the wedding, Nicola comes out and says NO it's just that Victoria's atelier couldn't make the dress in time! There's no gossip here, whatsoever. It was just logistics bla bla bla.

Image: Supplied/Instagram/@nicolaannepeltzbeckham.

But that's far less interesting, so the tabloids jump on a slightly amended narrative. Victoria actually ghosted Nicola's family, then frantically called Nicola's mother to admit her atelier had no capacity to make the dress which left Nicola extremely stressed because she had to find a whole other wedding gown with such constraints as an unlimited budget. And also, pre-existing relationships with most major fashion houses. And relatedly, multiple planners. To assist. With such tasks.

Honestly, I can't even imagine.

When Nicola shares photos from her wedding day, she doesn't share a single one of Victoria or David Beckham. She even uploads a nine-picture carousel to Instagram with the caption "family is everything to me," without her new in-laws in it.

I'm obsessed.

Image: Supplied/Instagram/@nicolaannepeltzbeckham.

When Victoria shares photos of the wedding, she posts one of Nicola and Brooklyn with the caption, "Congratulations Mr and Mrs Beckham... welcome to the family."

Gorgeous.

Except.

Again, just a tiny thing. But that's not. Actually. The last name either of them have chosen. According to literally everywhere, they're going by Peltz-Beckham and I feel as though Victoria may have been privvy to this information.

The dance.

MEANWHILE, another tidbit comes out of the Daily Mail, a publication known for its dedication to the truth.

Apparently, during the wedding, David and Victoria's very close friend Marc Anthony (who was hired by the Peltzes to sing) gave a speech gushing about Victoria (ok but why was he giving a speech in the first place), and Nicola was livid.

Is the 'source' who provided this intel entirely made up? Perhaps. But there's more.

The same source says Nicola and Brooklyn were waiting for Marc Anthony to introduce them for a special dance to a song they'd chosen, when it was suddenly switched to be a mother-son dance. Using. The same. Song.

Image: Supplied/Instagram/@nicolaannepeltzbeckham.

This was at the request of Victoria, says the source, who isn't named, probably because they don't exist. Technically.

Still, there's clearly been tension in the years since, and in June, neither Brooklyn or Nicola attended David Beckham's 50th birthday.

So, yeah. It makes sense that the whole Beckham family weren't in attendance at the vow renewal.

However. The part of this story I find most thrilling has nothing to do with the Beckhams. It has to do with the biggest drama queen king in this whole mess - a little known 80-year-old billionaire named Nelson.

Nelson.

Just as everyone is moving on, looking up from their phone screens and considering that maybe there's more to life than the unsubstantiated gossip surrounding a celebrity wedding, Nelson Peltz says: hold. my. ferrari.

Because he's suing some people.

Specifically, two young women who were hired to plan Nicola and Brooklyn's wedding, and apparently didn't return a $159,000 deposit after they were fired nine days into the job.

Nicole Braghin and Arianna Grijalba, who run Plan Design Events, were brought on board with six weeks to go before the literal wedding day. The original planner, Preston Bailey, had to suddenly pull out, which he insisted had absolutely nothing to do with the "lovely" Peltz family. He just accidentally "over-commited" and so had to bail 11 months into a ~12 month job. Sounds perfectly normal.

Nicole and Arianna inherit what can only be described as the job from hell. The bride and groom have sold their wedding to Vogue and no, the guest list isn't confirmed. And a lot of the vendors aren't booked.

So, idk. Fix it ladies.

Just a note - in response to Nelson's eventual lawsuit, Nicole and Arianna file a countersuit, seeking damages for breach of contract, and claiming Nelson is a "billionaire bully". In laymans terms, this means that in March 2023, all the gossip becomes part of the public record.

Thank goodness.

Back to the wedding planning.

Nicole and Arianna start tackling the guest list, but Nicola isn't happy. In text messages (published in the planner's countersuit), Nicola writes: "Lewis Hamilton did NOT RSVP. So please explain why his names on the list, please."

Okay, so I'd also be pissed if I invited Lewis Hamilton to my wedding and he didn't RSVP. But continue.

"He can't come so explain why you said he RSVPd yes," she writes. "I'm tired of catching mistakes on this RSVP list honestly."

Arianna responds that she's still learning how to use the RSVP system, but meanwhile Nicola is texting Brooklyn, describing the guest list as a "murder scene". I love her unconditionally.

When the planners ask Brooklyn a question about the guest list, Nicola replies, "I do not trust Brooklyn with this. U should be ­asking an assistant. He has no idea. And is guessing."

Image: Supplied/Instagram/@nicolaannepeltzbeckham.

Other things Nicola wants from Nicole and Arianna:

A water aisle (?)

A matching water dancerfloor (??)

An all-pink lounge with an orb light for the after-party

For all of Brooklyn's ideas to be immediately dismissed.

No, but actually.

In the texts, he suggests a "brooklyn burger".

"Like double or single burger and a nicola burger witch is no bun and it's lettuce instead of Bun and meat for the girls."

In Nicola's defence, this is the worst idea I've ever heard.

Arianna points out that maybe serving a single burger won't be enough for the guests, and Brooklyn responds, "oh sh*t hahaha."

The planners say Nicola was "too busy" to speak on the phone, and that they were instructed not to tell Nelson that Nicola's hair and makeup services were costing over $100,000.

How.

Speaking of Nelson. He accuses one of the planners of having a drinking problem, because in one text message exchange, she wrote, "Now I'm going for a tequila my head is about to explode! But I'm here if you need me."

To which Nicola replied, "Yes queen!!!!!!"

Nelson's lawsuit also argues that due to his daughter's fame, planning her wedding was "the opportunity of a lifetime."

"Nicola is a world-famous actress who has starred in blockbuster movies and television shows, including, among others, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Bates Motel and The Last Airbender," the suit states.

She. Was. In. Transformers.

That. Means. You. Are. Her. Slave.

Also, how about Brooklyn, and his terrible photography, and his infamous cooking, and relatedly, his world famous family?

Nelson officiating the vow renewal is my favourite part of all of this because their last wedding cost him $3 million and a court case.

Image: Supplied/Instagram/@nicolaannepeltzbeckham.

So that, my friends, is the story of the Greatest Wedding Drama of the 21st Century.

I sincerely hope they had a Wishing Well to contribute to all past and future legal fees.

Feature image: Instagram/@nicolaannepeltzbeckham.