Holy no all I care about is Brooklyn and Nicola Peltz-Beckham’s 'nightmare' wedding.

Sometimes when you've had a 500-person wedding worth more than what most people will earn in their entire lives, you need to a) sue some people, and b) do it again. But... better. 

It's the worst idea I've ever heard and I love it. 

It's also exactly what the family of 27-year-old actor Nicola Peltz, who married 23-year-old chef Brooklyn Beckham in a three-day event last April, appear to be doing. 

The wedding day itself initially looked... lovely. 

Was Gordon Ramsay there? Yes.

Did Brooklyn look like he was photoshopped into almost every image? Of course. 

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But did Victoria Beckham make Nicola Peltz cry by stealing her first dance? Probably no but I'm choosing to believe it for gossip purposes. 

Straight after the wedding, there were rumours Nicola had refused to wear a dress designed by Victoria Beckham, opting instead for a custom Valentino Couture gown. In interviews, Nicola said Victoria's atelier simply couldn't make the dress in time, which was a more realistic but also far less interesting story. 

'Harper can you tell us if there's been any gossiping going on? Pls?' Image: Supplied. 

Therefore, the tabloids ran endless stories with 'sources' claiming Nicola HATED Victoria's dress and was NEVER going to wear it but also that Victoria GHOSTED Nicola's family then FRANTICALLY called Nicola's mum to say her atelier didn't have capacity to make the dress so Nicola HAD TO find an alternative with very little notice WHICH WAS ALL QUITE STRESSFUL.

At this point, I was in heaven. The stakes were low. The gossip was high. The truth was broadly unimportant. 

But you guys. It turns out the dress wasn't the story. The dress was a distraction. 

While we were all checking whether Nicola was liking Victoria's Instagram posts (she wasn't), and wondering whether Victoria was pissed that Nicola appeared on a magazine cover claiming to be 'The New Mrs Beckham' (she definitely was), Nicola's father Nelson was doing some paperwork. 

He was sighing and looking at contracts and counting his money and taking meetings. Meetings where he - an 80-year-old billionaire businessman - managed to put together a case to sue two women who were involved in planning his daughter's wedding. 

Peltz is accusing Nicole Braghin and Arianna Grijalba, who run Plan Design Events, of failing to return a $159,000 deposit, after they were fired nine days into the job. Braghin and Grijalba have filed a countersuit seeking damages for breach of contract, claiming Nelson is a "billionaire bully". 

But all of this legal terminology is really code for: gossip. Because we now know the chaos that actually went down in the lead up to Brooklyn and Nicola Peltz-Beckham's wedding day. 

***

It's six weeks until the wedding of the century decade year month day, and we have a problem. 

Nicola and Brooklyn's wedding planner Preston Bailey is suddenly, unexpectedly "over-committed". It has absolutely nothing to do with the "lovely" Peltz family, who have been "great," but yes 11 months into a ~12 month job, he is pulling out. Unfortunately. 

Oh, no what a shame.

Who steps out of planning an event with just weeks to go unless the people involved are monsters.

But I digress. 

Because now, we have an emergency. Nicola and Brooklyn have sold their wedding to Vogue but they also haven't booked most of their vendors and have no idea who's coming. So. 

Luckily, they find Nicole and Arianna, who have inherited the sh*t fight that is an event half-planned by the type of person who bails with six weeks to go. 

The issues start when Nicole and Arianna begin to tackle the guest list. In text messages (my personal favourite type of legal documentation), Nicola becomes frustrated by the fact that F1 driver Lewis Hamilton is on the list, when he OBVIOUSLY isn't coming. 

"Lewis Hamilton did NOT RSVP," Nicola writes, "so please explain why his names on the list, please." 

"He can't come so explain why you said he RSVPd yes," she writes.

When Arianna responds that she's trying to learn how to navigate the existing RSVP system, Nicola responds, "I'm tired of catching mistakes on this RSVP list honestly."

She later describes the guest list as a "MURDER SCENE" in a message to Brooklyn.

Nicola pls. 

The planners then must navigate tension between Nicola and her father about the potential attendance of Florida governor Ron DeSantis. 

In a text, Nicola writes, "Desantis must be OFF THE GUEST LIST. PLEASE CONFIRM!" and it's like why haven't you decided who's invited to your wedding when it's so soon.  

According to Nicole and Arianna's suit, while the Beckham family's guest list was "fully organised," the Peltz family's list, and Brooklyn and Nicola's own lists, weren't complete. There were missing or incorrect addresses, and Nicola kept adding and removing guests via a group chat with the planners, "making the task of creating a comprehensive and complete guest list a moving target."

The suit also claims that "both Claudia and Nicola had insisted that Victoria Beckham could not know about any internal mistakes regarding the ongoing planning of her son’s wedding, including any errors with the guest list."

When a question about the guest list was directed to Brooklyn, Nicola replied, "I do not trust Brooklyn with this."

"U should be ­asking an assistant.

"He has no idea. And is guessing."

Oh sweetie. 

'And Justin Bieber. And Harry Styles.' Image: Getty.

But none of that matters because Nicola wants a "water aisle and matching water dancefloor" and okay but what does that mean. 

She wants an all-pink lounge with an orb light for the after-party, and she'd like her flowers to be more white. 

Brooklyn wants things too. In fact, he has ideas.

Perhaps he'd like to hang his photography on the walls. For the reception.

I still think about Brooklyn Beckham’s book of photography about once a month pic.twitter.com/U2IhoGatit

— Bethan Moore (@Bethan_Kate) May 11, 2021

But no. He's interested in the cooking, obviously. Because he's a celebrity chef who cooks badly sometimes.

"We should do a brooklyn burger," he writes, and shhhh. 

"Like double or single burger and a nicola burger witch is no bun and it’s lettuce instead of Bun and meat for the girls."

I'm starting to understand why Nicola wasn't trusting Brooklyn with the guest list. The man needs to be taken as far away from this wedding as possible. 

Why don't girls get a bun, Brooklyn.

Arianna gently suggests that maybe serving a single burger won't be enough for the guests, and Brooklyn responds, "oh sh*t hahaha." 

That's my boy. 

Nicola points out that the names of the meals are "embarrassing," and one of the planners tries to say it might be fun. 

"I don't love it," Nicola replies. "I like personalised but not that."

She then sends a vomit emoji.

In response.

To Brooklyn's idea.

Omg wow that's the worst idea I've literally ever heard.

But it's time to get serious. 

Because according to Nelson's lawsuit, one of the planners had a drinking problem. As evidenced by the following text exchange:

After what appears to be a day of managing chaos, Arianna writes, "Now I'm going for a tequila my head is about to explode! But I'm here if you need me."

Nicola responds, "Yes queen!!!!!!"

That's it. That's the evidence. For the drinking problem. 

Throughout the process, the planners say Nicola was "too busy" to speak on the phone. They also claim they were instructed not to tell Nelson that Nicola's hair and makeup services were costing over $100,000 and no how could they possibly cost that much. 

Perhaps most importantly, Nelson's lawsuit argues that his daughter is very famous and therefore planning her wedding was "the opportunity of a lifetime."

"Nicola is a world-famous actress who has starred in blockbuster movies and television shows, including, among others, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Bates Motel and The Last Airbender," the suit states.

To that I say, okay, but how about Brooklyn. Because he is the star of Cookin' With Brooklyn. And just the other week he cooked fettucine alfredo on his Instagram except a) he didn't use fettucine, he used spaghetti, and b) he made a béchamel sauce instead of an alfredo one. So. Does he get a mention. In the lawsuit. About being world-famous. 

Now, sources are saying the whole wedding was a "nightmare," and Nicola was "far from completely happy with the wedding... [associating] it with rows, issues and tension between the families."

"She’s told Brooklyn she feels like it still has an impact on their relationship, and has even said she finds it tricky looking at the wedding pictures. It just reminds her of all the drama, with them both looking so tense."

That same source says there's been talk of "a new wedding ceremony for their first anniversary. [Nicola] wants to redo the original day with a new dress, new pictures and a new event – and despite the raised eyebrows, she wants an even more lavish do."

Pls, Nicola and Brooklyn, I beg you. Do it all over again.

What could possibly go wrong?

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