'After leaving my cheating ex, I thought I'd finally found the one. Then he made a confession.'

I know, I know, I can hear the screams of "What are you thinking?", "Didn't you learn anything from your ex?" and "You'll only have yourself to blame if he cheats on you."

All these thoughts and more have, at times, rushed through my mind. In fact, at one point, they overwhelmed me.

Five years later, I have clarity and certainty in my current relationship and more importantly, in me.

My ex-husband Michael* and I had been married for 17 years when he started sleeping with an old friend. He refused to go to marriage counselling with me and couldn't articulate why he'd cheated on me — so, despite his protests, I decided it was over.

When your partner cheats on you, it cuts into all levels of your being. You question everything. Respect and trust are lost — two things I consider crucial to a healthy relationship.

Watch: The number one cheating sign everyone misses.

After taking a very deep breath, I decided I was ready 'to get out there' again to find companionship and hopefully love. While I was okay on my own — and happy in my own company, I did miss sharing life with someone.

Getting back into the dating game in your 50s is not for the faint-hearted. I hadn't been on a first date for over 20 years, but I knew what I wanted, and didn't want.

Working with a counsellor after I left Michael helped me understand the importance of setting boundaries and that it was okay to have nonnegotiables. Mine were respect and trust.

I kept repeating these words in my head — like a mantra. I didn't want to get swept up in the romance of a gorgeous smile or flattering comments from someone not willing to respect my boundaries and dealbreakers. 

So onto the apps I went. Swiping through copious bathroom selfies, motorbike poses and fish pics, I decided what my dealbreakers were and that set the parameters for my search, and I was equal parts excited and terrified.

App messages turned into text conversations, then to coffees or a drink — with all types of men — tall, short, funny, handsome, interesting and adventurous, but no one 'clicked'.

I needed to feel something — butterflies or chemistry — I knew I'd know when I felt it.

Then, there he was. Ben*. He had a beaming smile and brilliant banter from our first chat.

After a few dates with Ben, I knew it was special. Our conversations flowed, he was interested in me and my life, happy to share his, and importantly, we laughed.

Physically, his blue eyes, dazzling smile and beautiful olive skin gave me butterflies.  I was smitten.

I was quickly falling for Ben and I wanted this relationship to work, and he was very clear he was looking for a long-term relationship too.

Then one night over dinner came the revelation he had an affair with a colleague — he was ashamed and said it was the biggest regret of his life. 

"Red flags, definitely a dealbreaker!' I could hear the collective voice of my family and friends and me.

He said at the time, his marriage was effectively over — there had been no love for a long time. 

"Why didn't you leave before you started a relationship with another woman?"

"How did your wife find out?"

"Do your family and friends know?"

"Have you cheated on any of your other partners?"

Questions. I had so many questions.

"There are no excuses for my behaviour," he said. "I need to live with that awful decision for the rest of my life." He then answered all my questions. 

The revelation was a huge blow. Did I want to be with a man that betrayed his wife, lied to his family, that didn't have the fortitude to dissolve his unhappy marriage before he had an affair?

The answer was no. I needed time away from him to think. 

When I'm in a quandary, I ask myself this question: If I was a character in a movie I was watching, what would I scream at the screen?

I find it helpful to see things with clarity and, in this case, I'd be shouting "Noooooo….. don't do it. Run."

 I cut off all communication with him for a few weeks. 

Was I willing to trust again? How would I be sure he wouldn't cheat on me? Was I ignoring my boundaries? Should I give him credit for admitting to it?

Listen: Mamamia Out Loud talks about the "rules" you put around yourself and your relationships. Post continues below.

After a few weeks, I decided to meet up with Ben. I laid out all my thoughts and fears. We talked for hours. It was a difficult and emotional conversation. I made two decisions that night.

One was not to let Michael's cheating stop me from trusting anyone else again and the other was to give Ben, and us, a chance.Five years on, we are strong. We make each other feel valued, loved and heard. We make our relationship a priority and don't take our relationship, or each other, for granted.

There are no guarantees in any relationship, but I'm not letting a past betrayal cast a shadow over what is a now a beautiful life.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Feature Image: Getty. (Stock image for illustrative purposes).