"I had all these unrealistic expectations." The reality of the fourth trimester for new mums.

Author and podcaster Ruby Matley knows just how challenging life can be after having a baby.

"I was 24 when I had my first child and at that stage, none of my friends had kids," Matley told Mamamia. 

"I lived away from my family and I felt very isolated. I had no idea just how much life would change."

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As Matley describes, Quinn, who is now six years old, was not an easy baby.

"She didn't sleep and so I didn't sleep well. Breastfeeding was difficult and I remember not handling the way my body changed. I wasn't feeling very supported and actually felt very stressed and anxious. At my antenatal appointments, they never assessed my mental health, so no one picked up that I wasn't okay."

Something else Matley struggled with was the change in her identity soon after becoming a mum.

"I still wanted a career and was very driven and I didn't enjoy sitting and playing with my baby like I imagined I would. But I loved my baby fiercely and didn't want anyone else to look after her. I had all these unrealistic expectations of motherhood and I simply wasn't kind to myself."

Twenty-two months after Quinn came along, Matley gave birth to baby boy Albie who also didn't sleep well. The family had just moved to a new city for husband Ben's work. 

"I felt very isolated with two little babies at home and my mental health spiraled. When Albie was seven months old, I went into a deep depression. Luckily it was around this time that two good things happened to me," she shared.

"I had a week at a Tresillian facility in Sydney where I got some professional support, and I met another mum at a local cafe, who has since become a good friend."

Matley's social connection with another mum, who had also struggled with postnatal depression, helped her to see that she was not alone.

Ruby and her kids. Image: Supplied. 

"The professional support from Tresillian coupled with chats with my new friend made me see how I needed to look after myself and prioritise self care. I started on some antidepressant medication and I slowly recovered," she shared.

"I learnt more about myself and what I needed to make me feel good. Before you have kids, its easy to just book a holiday or go for drinks with friends, but once you become a parent, those easy fixes aren't always an option."

Matley said that she had to adjust her expectations of how to care for herself and that she needed to start small.

"I would swim laps with my friend at our local pool for 30 minutes, as when I was breastfeeding, that was all I could manage, but it all adds up. I started to feel less of a 'mother' and more human, more like me again."

It took 12 months before Matley felt fully recovered, and it was this journey that inspired her to write her new book, Self-Care For New Mums.

"How I use self-care has evolved now that my two kids are age six and four. I wanted to get that across in the book because the self-care you can do when you have a new baby is very different as your kids grow up. I want mums to know it is just about letting go their expectations and maybe not spending as much time on social media if they are struggling. 

"I am so much happier when I am not mindlessly scrolling and even my husband says our relationship is better the less time I spend comparing my life to others!"

The journal-like quality of her new book was important to Matley, as this was something she discovered was helpful for her self-care.

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"I've tried meditation and know it is extremely beneficial for some, but journaling is definitely my thing. I have a book beside my bed that I write my feelings and thoughts in. Sometimes it might be gratitude for having a rewarding day, other times it might be to help me understand my concerns or worries: I write everything in my journal and then go to sleep. 

"Writing for me is really very therapeutic and one of the many aspects of self-care I use to keep on top of my mental health. I think its important to know what works for you as I find when I let self-care slide, I can become resentful. It's like the analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask on the plane. Motherhood is hard and we need to look after ourselves."

In 2019, Matley took her self-care up a notch by following her passion and enrolling to study midwifery. 

"As part of my degree, I am working with women through their pregnancy, birth, and aftercare. I meet so many new mums who are anxious and depressed, which is sad and shows that our current system is letting people down. 

"They send some mums home from hospital four hours after birth with no support. It's like we've lost the art of 'mother craft' as new mums don't feel confident in their new role, which affects self-worth and their mental health spirals from there. There should be more support and funding for women in the early weeks of motherhood. 

"There is far too much pressure on women to have babies 'right', have a good career, and look beautiful while doing it all. I see women go through so much and I wish they could see how incredible they are."

After suffering with postnatal depression only a few years ago, Matley is now in a good place after a long recovery and finding a way of life that suited her and the family.

"I have found my thing! I'm studying something I am passionate about and we live on a property with a wonderful community around us. I fit in my exercising in the mornings, I play netball for fun, and there is a balance for all of us. 

"There is still trauma there, but I look back now and see how far we have come. My recovery all started just by being vulnerable and asking for help.

"I tell the women I meet that it's okay to not always love motherhood. It can be incredibly hard but with the right support, it will get better. There is always hope."

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If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

Buy a copy of Ruby Matley's book Self-Care for New Mums online or at all good bookshops. 

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles and to see photos of her outfits and kids, follow her on Instagram and  TikTok.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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