'I've worked with addicts for over 30 years. There's an increasing trend I'm seeing.'

Gaslighting, love bombing, hoovering and scapegoating are familiar words that have become synonymous with toxic relationships. And it points to a growing epidemic that seriously impacts Australian women: narcissism. 

We can have narcissistic parents, children, partners, friends, bosses or colleagues. Wherever they show up, there will be pain and hurt, confusion and despair.

As a psychotherapist at one of Australia's leading rehabilitation centres, I see firsthand the devastating impacts that a narcissist can leave on its victims. One of the most serious side-effects is people struggling with addiction.

What is a narcissist? 

While the word is thrown around dangerously often, what many do not realise is that narcissism is actually a diagnosable mental health disorder. It is characterised by grandiosity, an aura of superiority, a lack of empathy and a preoccupation with power and a sense of their own importance. Narcissists are arrogant but don’t necessarily appear that way in the beginning.

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It is widely regarded that narcissism stems from childhood trauma such as violence or rejection which means it is being handed down a family line. Children of narcissists are more likely to copy that behaviour and bring it into their own adulthood. While the behaviours of a diagnosed narcissist are particularly sinister, that person is also suffering greatly from a mental health condition. 

While the personality disorder can be treated, it’s rare that a narcissist would have the humility, self-reflection and sense of accountability to seek treatment. Instead, at Hope in Health and in private practice, I regularly see the symptoms of narcissistic abuse. 

The rising epidemic.

Anecdotally, I am seeing this phenomenon more and more through my private practice and work with Hope in Health to a point where it’s reaching concerning levels. Patients are presenting with symptoms of being either parented by a narcissist or having a narcissistic partner. What’s more, in the media and psychology literature, it’s been reported that levels are on the rise. 

Culturally, I believe that we celebrate narcissism. Our highly competitive and comparison-led society leads to narcissistic behaviour being applauded. You can see it in our politicians and celebrities behaving badly. Social media also celebrates that ‘it’s all about me’ attitude. 

How narcissism affects its victims.

The modus operandi of a narcissist is to isolate their victim by cutting them off from their friends, family and support network, and smearing their reputation. 

If a person is in the range of a narcissist, and they decide they want you, they’ll go to any lengths to get you. This is known as love bombing, where the narcissist will charm, seduce and overwhelm their target through gifts, praise, attention, money. They’ll do anything to sweep that person off their feet and get them hooked while ignoring the red flags. 

Once their hooks are in their victim, the narcissist is working to cut them off from their support network. They will be smearing their victim by spreading rumours, lies and making up outrageous stories about the target to ruin their relationships and careers.

Meanwhile, a narcissist creates doubt in their victim's reality. They lie, change details, and outright reject their victim's view of something, even if there is evidence to the contrary. This undermines self-esteem and makes the other doubt their sanity and their own reality.

When doubt creeps in, they will start scapegoating by laying the blame on someone else to take the attention off themselves. If their victim begins to consider leaving the relationship, they will start ‘hoovering’ by working to suck their victim back in through seducing and re-engaging the other person to come back into the relationship, agree with their view and to idolise them again.

Coping with a narcissist.

To cope with what they are going through, victims of narcissistic abuse commonly lean on alcohol and drug dependence. As they lose their sense of self, and struggle to trust their own reality, addiction is seen as a way to regulate and numb themselves from the trauma of being with a narcissist.

Self-medication creates a sort of relief from the torture of their situation.

Breaking the cycle.

Leaving the grips of a narcissist can be incredibly dangerous and steps should not be taken lightly. With a low tolerance for rejection, being the victim of a narcissist can even be fatal. 

A narcissist experiencing abandonment or rejection can trigger what’s known as narcissistic rage where the narcissist flies into a fit of unbridled and entitled rage.

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For anyone looking to leave a narcissistic relationship, my advice is to seek professional help from a specialist in narcissism. Not all therapists are well-versed. It’s an extraordinary situation that requires expertise. 

One of the things that Hope in Health does so well is provide a truly holistic form of treatment. We work on helping women learn to regulate their nervous system and treat them as a whole person. 

We believe that addiction can be a symptom of trauma and the only way to treat the symptom is to treat the underlying trauma, including the effects of falling victim to narcissists.

Finally, I would urge anyone who is experiencing the impact of narcissism or has a loved one in the grips of a narcissistic relationship to keep on reaching out. The more times you reach out for help, someone will hear you. Don’t give up and keep on trying. By removing yourself from the situation, getting educated and understanding it will take time and a lot of self-love, a full recovery is possible. Freedom and happiness after experiencing a narcissist are absolutely possible.

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

And if you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

Featured Image: Supplied.