'At first, everything was perfect. Then I realised I was dating a narcissist.'

When Emma* met Adam* at a campsite, she didn't know her life was about to change completely.

"He had this magnetic personality," she recalled. "Confident, funny, endlessly chatty. The kind of person who made everyone feel like they were the most interesting person in the world."

What began as a holiday fling quickly became something all-consuming. "I was craving connection and stability," she said. "What was meant to be a short-lived romance turned into something that consumed my life completely."

When she returned home for work, he came too. It was supposed to be just for a few weeks. Before they knew it, a year had passed.

Watch the hosts of Mamamia's But Are You Happy? podcast on how to spot if you're in a relationship with a narcissist. Post continues below.

"In the beginning, it felt like something out of a movie," Emma said. "Instant chemistry, deep conversations, constant laughter. Everyone said we were the perfect match."

When they moved in together, the shift was subtle but swift.

"He became withdrawn and started criticising my friends and housemates," she said.

"Then came the excuses. He didn't want to work, didn't contribute to rent or bills. I'd go to work while he stayed home all day, and when I came back, he'd expect dinner cooked and the house spotless."

Over time, Emma realised it was more than laziness.

"He was trying to isolate me, to create a world where he was the only person I had left," she said.

"I thought I could fix him. I constantly made excuses.

"I thought he was misunderstood, that my love could help him heal."

His parents reinforced that idea. "They told me I'd changed him, that they were relieved he'd met someone stable," she said. "At the time, that made me feel proud — like I was his anchor. Now I see that was part of the manipulation."

Over time, things became worse. There was cheating, gaslighting, and financial control. Each time she tried to end things, he'd reappear, and each time, the cycle repeated.

"It became darker," she said. "More criticism, more control. When I found out he'd been cheating again, using my money to visit brothels, I confronted him. He just walked out. No apology. He simply disappeared.

"It was like everything I'd built my world around had been pulled out from under me," Emma said. "I had a breakdown and spent five days in hospital. My sense of reality was shattered."

Like many survivors of narcissistic abuse, she blamed herself. "I went over every detail, wondering what I did wrong," she said. "It took a long time to realise it wasn't my fault. That's one of the cruellest parts, they train you to internalise the blame."

Therapy helped her connect the dots. "Reading about narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding, everything clicked — the love bombing, the gaslighting, the financial and emotional control. It was textbook," she said.

The recalibration phase.

According to Nova Gibson, narcissistic-abuse expert and author of Fake Love, what Emma describes is the earliest stage of recalibration — the point where a survivor begins to rewire their brain and body after manipulation.

"Recalibration is that point in recovery where you start to come out of the 'FOG', the haze of fear, obligation, and guilt that narcissistic abuse traps you in," Gibson said.

"You begin to see more clearly, like someone slowly wiping steam off a mirror. It's that powerful shift where the confusion starts lifting, and you start realising that what you experienced wasn't love, that was control. It's your nervous system settling, your clarity returning, and your self-trust rebuilding. It's you learning to trust your instincts again."

Recalibration is not just emotional but physical, she explained.

"The constant gaslighting distorts your reality. Your nervous system learns to live on high alert, constantly scanning for the next outburst or the next torturous bout of the silent treatment," she said. "Recalibration is essential because it helps your brain and body unlearn that survival mode and start to experience calm as safe again."

After the relationship ended, Emma found herself replaying old moments on a loop. "It's almost like watching a film of your own life but suddenly seeing the hidden camera angles," she said. "I'd remember things he said that once sounded caring and realise they were actually strategic."

Gibson says that mental replay is part of the healing process. "It's not obsession, it's your brain's way of trying to integrate new truth with old memories," she said.

"When you start understanding narcissistic abuse, you naturally revisit those moments to make sense of them from a place of clarity instead of confusion. That person who made you feel crazy is not there this time to distort your perceptions."

The slow return to peace.

"The lightbulbs are huge, and they're usually emotional," Gibson said. "One moment you see how their 'sweet messages' were actually love-bombing and manipulative. The next, you realise that their 'concern' was all about control. You begin to understand that what you thought was love was actually a powerful trauma bond, with your nervous system mistaking intensity for intimacy."

Once you can label what happened as things like gaslighting, love bombing, triangulation, Gibson says you take begin to take back your power.

Cognitive dissonance — the push and pull between knowing they're bad for you and still missing them — is one of the hardest barriers to overcome.

"It's your brain trying to make sense of two opposing truths: the person who hurt you is also the person you loved. That confusion floods your nervous system with stress," she said.

"Recalibration helps by slowly aligning your emotional truth with your logical understanding and bringing your body back to a state of equilibrium. Over time, your brain stops fighting itself."

For more signs you might be around a narcissist, listen to the full episode. Post continues below.

Emma understands that feeling well. "There are still moments where the trauma bond pulls at me," she said. "But now I can see it for what it was: manipulation disguised as love."

Rebuilding self-trust, Gibson says, takes practice. "Rebuilding self-trust is like strengthening a muscle that's been unused for too long. Start off small, make promises to yourself and keep them. Aim big, miss big. Aim small, win small but you still win. Notice how your body reacts around people, that gut feeling is information, not paranoia.

"You no longer mistake intensity for connection or control for care. Your nervous system becomes more regulated as you implement healthy boundaries, so you naturally gravitate toward calm, respectful energy and vice versa."

"I don't need closure or revenge."

For Emma, that's slowly starting to happen. "Healing is slow, but I'm building a life that's mine again," she said. "I don't need closure or revenge. Just clarity and calm."

Feature image: Canva.

If you or anyone you know needs to speak with an expert, please contact 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) — the National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service. If you are in immediate danger, call 000.

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