There's a type of narcissist you've never heard of, and she's probably in your life.

When you think "narcissist," what comes to mind?

Maybe someone like Don Draper smooth-talking his way through Mad Men?

You know the type: impeccably groomed, dripping with charisma, and scary good at getting what they want.

But here's the thing: that's mostly a bloke thing.

Sure, we've got Miranda Priestly as an ice queen in The Devil Wears Prada, but…. as it turns out… she's an anomaly when it comes to narcissism in women.

"Women are more likely to demonstrate a profile of 'vulnerable' rather than 'grandiose' narcissism," clinical psychologist Dr Katie Kjelsaas told Mamamia.

Watch: 10 signs your parent is a narcissist. Post continues after video.

Grandiose narcissism is that classic Don Draper swagger: loud, confident, dominant.

"It stands out for its exaggerated sense of self-importance, strong need for admiration, and lack of empathy for others," as per Charlie Health.

Vulnerable narcissism, however, is much more subtle, much more sneaky.

"The traits of this [vulnerable] type are less overt, involving more passive aggression than direct aggression and more subtle, manipulative ways of achieving their ends," said Kjelsaas.

Why women and men show narcissism differently.

It all comes down to what society expects from us, really.

According to Dr Kjelsaas, research suggests the difference between grandiose and vulnerable narcissism is "largely due to social expectations and social roles and the ways in which these differ for men and women."

Think about it: when a guy is dominant, assertive, and has that "main character energy," we're often like, "Yeah, that tracks." It fits with traditional masculinity.

But women? We're expected to be warm, nurturing, emotionally switched on.

We are also generally more empathetic than men, as determined by a massive University of Cambridge study of over 300,000 people across 57 countries.

So, when narcissism pops up in women, it often takes this vulnerable form. Less bold and grandiose, more insecure, hypersensitive, and playing the victim.

This is partly why up to 75 per cent of people diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are men, as per the American Psychological Association. It's way easier to diagnose a louder type than a covert operator.

"It's also important to recognise that, due to prevailing gender roles, women who do not conform to gender stereotypes (e.g. those with a more assertive or direct leadership style) may be mislabelled by others as narcissists," said Dr Kjelsaas.

"In reality, female narcissists tend to be social conformists who conduct their manipulation in more subtle and indirect ways."

These female narcissists are hiding in plain sight, but how do we spot these subtle and indirect narcissistic traits?

What female narcissism actually looks like.

"Presentations of narcissism in females can vary so it's hard to pin down one habit," said Dr Kjelsaas.

But she gave us some classic examples, starting with one telling habit that is hard to spot: triangulation.

This is basically the act of turning two people against each other to remain in control, as per Psych Central.

"For example, a manager who gives one version of events to you and another to your colleague in order to undermine your trust in each other and subtly erode your connection," explained Dr Kjelsaas.

"Such a strategy is often repeated over time, to gradually erode your trust in the other person and increase your dependence on the narcissist. If caught doing this and confronted, the narcissist will deny, dismiss or downplay this action, seeking to excuse it away."

There are other subtle signs, such as "playing the victim, leveraging guilt (guilt-tripping), or stonewalling (giving someone the silent treatment or withdrawing attention and affection deliberately)".

These types of narcissists are usually driven by massive insecurity and have a tendency to project all blame for anything that goes wrong onto everyone else.

In friendship groups, it can play out differently.

"Some may dominate, showing traits of self-centeredness, obsession with status and seeking to be the centre of the group. Others are more 'covert' — presenting as insecure, shy or needy: seeking constant validation or praise from friends to keep insecurities at bay".

But here's what's really telling. It's not just what narcissists do, it's what they don't do.

"It is very rare to hear a female narcissist admit fault or apologise, unless doing so strategically to ingratiate themselves," said Dr Kjelsaas.

"The difference is in their impression management. There is little true humility or remorse in a narcissist's admission of fault."

The complicated reality.

It's easy to villainise narcissists and, of course, people should be held accountable for their actions. But it's important to remember that NPD is a mental health disorder. And it's often experienced in conjunction with other disorders, especially with women.

"A lesser known fact is the degree to which female narcissists tend to suffer with mental health problems, especially anxiety and depression," said Dr Kjelsaas.

"They tend not to be as insulated from the impacts of their interpersonal manipulation as male narcissists, with their presentations appearing more brittle than bombastic."

At the end of the day, narcissim is a complex condition.

"Compassionate or redemptive views of narcissism in research suggest that vulnerable narcissism may be the brittle shell or defence that forms over a person as a way to protect and insulate themselves from intolerable insecurity or anxiety," explained the psychologist.

In other words, she says, "hurt people, hurt people".

"Many narcissists may indeed be people struggling with deep insecurity, anxiety and hurt. While this does not in any way excuse their harmful behaviour, and we all have a right to set boundaries to ensure we feel safe at work and in social relationships, understanding that deep insecurity lies at the heart of most narcissistic behaviour can perhaps help us understand and have compassion for people struggling in this way, while still holding the boundaries we need to keep ourselves safe."

And, with appropriate professional support, she believes it's possible for many narcissists "to deal with their underlying wounds and insecurities, develop awareness of the impact of their behaviour on others, and change for the better — if they are motivated to do so."

Feature Image: Getty