There are 2 types of families in this world: The Nudes and The Never Nudes.

By EM RUSCIANO

Do you let your kids view your junk? Do you get your lady garden out with wild abandon for all the family to see? Have your bapps on display? Do your testicles feel the cool summer breeze as you stroll through the house of a morning waiting for your shirt to dry? Do your children not bat an eyelid while they eat their weetbix?

Or do you hide away? Do you strap that shit up and dive for cover at the sound of their voices? Do you lock the doors when you need to take your clothes off?

I believe there are two types of families in this world, nudes and never-nudes.

It is a fragile and precious thing to be a part of a nude household. All it takes is for one 10-year-old to say you look floppy and BOOM! Pack up your tits and dicks friends, it’s game over; never-nude land awaits.

This happened to a lady in the UK named Angela Epstein.

She once enjoyed being naked in her own home. Now thanks to her daughter Sophie, she is writing articles called: “Why wobbly middle aged Mums should NEVER let their daughters see them naked.”

Basically Ange had had a bitch of a day and she just wanted to have a relaxing bath to try and soothe her frazzled nerves (I feel ya, Ange). As she was stepping into her lovely bath, her 10-year-old daughter Sophie came in. Ange thought nothing of it, as they often had chats while she got ready for bed or work and most of the time this involved her being naked.

Sophie had never made a big deal about it or even mentioned the no clothes situation.

Until now.

Angela noticed that Sophie was casting a critical eye over her body and she eased into her glorious bath. Against her better judgement she asked:

“What? What is it?”

“Sorry Mum but… You’re just so… SO (heavy sigh, eye roll, head flick) FLOPPY.”

Angela writes: “Floppy? Floppy? If ever there was a word a naked woman wants to have expunged from the English language, then floppy has to be it.”

Preach it, sista gurl.

So because of this incident Ange has vowed to NEVER, EVER be nude around her child around.

She is a prisoner in her clothes because of this one comment.

Is this a thing? Has a cruel jibe from a small person caused you to be a never-nude?

My youngest once said to me: “Why does your tummy have bumps and lines on it?”

I said they were my battle scars from giving birth to her 9.5-pound self.  Now we both sing “These Battlescaaaaaaars” Guy Sebastian-style whenever I’m nude in front of her.

I grew up in a never nude household. I didn’t see my Mum’s bits and only very rarely, in the dead of night, as I drank directly from the milk carton standing by the fridge, would I catch a glimpse of my tiny, hirsute Italian father darting through the house like a black ops, special forces panther locking doors he’d forgotten to earlier. A miniature ethnic comet – blink and you’d miss it.  Not completely nude though, he would always be in his tattered red jocks, cock and balls safely hidden away. Not that I was looking. Just reflecting back, you know? That I never saw his.. Wang. Okay this has descended into a place I am not comfortable with.

MOVING ON!

What is your stance on nudity in front of the kids in your house?

In mine, it’s free range. My husband came from a nude house and instilled those values into me.

It should be noted that it’s rather tricky to convert a never nude, usually the force is strong and it passes from generation to generation. Scott took one look at me in my flanno jarmies after we first met and said – no way, get that shit off.

I’ve never looked back.

My 12-year-old has started hiding herself away now things are happening with her body, I think that’s fair enough. My 7-year-old still does nudie runs every night before her shower to “air her day off” and so do I!

Back to Angela — and I feel it needs saying that she is putting waaaaaay too much stock into what her 10 year old thinks. Sophie was probably eating her own poo a few years ago, so I’d take her critique with a grain of salt. Surely we don’t need the approval of our kids now on how we look? F**K THAT!

All of this aside I think we need to acknowledge an important life skill to teach our children when these situations arise. That sometimes honesty isn’t always the best policy, that they should know WHEN TO LIE TO MUMMY TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER and when to just shut the hell up!

Darling Sophie, start taking notes.

Speaking of nudity…

What’s your house policy: never nude or free range?