We need to talk about the identity crisis of getting your nails done.

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It's a Saturday morning. My day off. I book myself in for a manicure in the name of self-care.

An hour of me-time, my phone cast aside with nothing but my thoughts and the soft buzz of the nail file.

I walk into the nail salon and the other ladies do that thing where they all turn around and watch me enter. I don't care – I'm relaxed. The nail lady greets me by name. I'm a regular. I'm cool. I'm chill. 

Do your nails actually need to breathe? Watch this episode of You Beauty where they discuss this myth. Post continues below.

Then she hands me the colour wheel. And suddenly… I'm filled with dread. 

My eyes madly flickering from red, to pink, to blue, to green. They dart to the wall behind her filled with chrome powder, sparkles, acrylics. 

I'm overwhelmed. Is it hot in here?! I feel like the TV playing Britain's Got Talent just got really loud. 

How could I have been so naive? Every month, I forget the reality of getting my nails done. It's not self-care after all. It's the marker of the beginning of whoever I'm going to be that month.

I'm not exactly sure when, but at some point, choosing your nail colour transitioned from being a shade that just looks pretty, to an indicator of your true identity. At least for the next four weeks.

A few years ago, the 'clean girl' was born. Before then, I had no regard for whether my skin, nails and hair were a symbol of whether I was dirty or not. I showered… thus, I was clean?!

Now, 'clean girl' is a consumer's dream, with over 1 billion views on TikTok.

Occasionally, I'll walk into the nail salon and request a coat of 'Funny Bunny' or 'Bubble Bath' (why is it always these two colours?!) to really immerse myself into clean girl culture.

The ultimate clean girl nails. Image: Instagram / @matildadjerf, @by.lucyrose

With my plain pink nails, I'm saying to people, "Yes, that's right, I have my life together. I wear matching pyjama sets and do Pilates at 5am."

Then, the inevitable happens.

A week into my clean girl life, sipping on my matcha with my slick-back bun, I spot a girl with bright, cobalt blue nails and my heart pangs for my other self. My 'cool girl' self.

This is the girl who wears oversized sunglasses and drinks espresso martinis. She's not clean. She listens to Charlie XCX's BRAT and goes to gigs on weeknights. She doesn't care about when she goes to sleep or what her PJs look like when she does.

I want to scream at her, "No! Ignore these soft pink toned nails! I'm one of you!!"

When I'm channelling my inner 'cool girl', I turn to bright colours, gems, designs. For inspiration, I often look to the queen of nail trends herself, Hailey Bieber.

When her glazed-donut nails broke the internet, girls around the globe were showing pictures of her mirror selfies to their nail artists so they, too, could become the cool girl.

Next came 'chocolate glaze', 'strawberry glaze', 'blueberry glaze', and every other name you can think of that basically means colour with chrome.

Being the coolest girl of them all, once we have finally caught up, Hailey is already plotting the next fingertip trend to take over our feeds.

The chocolate glazed donut nails in question. Image: Instagram/ @haileybieber

Then, of course, it would be remiss to not include the internet's most recent nail phenomenon, the 'red nail theory'.

For our final instalment of the nail identity crisis, I introduce the 'sexy girl'.

I used to think that red nails fell into the 'cool girl' category, but how wrong I was.

The viral 'red nail theory'. Image: TikTok/ @aishapotters, @taylordonohuee

The 'red nail theory' went viral online because of the idea that red nails are the best colour to attract men. And it makes sense given the history of, well, red. Symbolising love, romanticism and overall sexiness.

But what's interesting, is that the theory originated when creator, @GirlBossTown, posted a video explaining that she receives a high amount of compliments from men, in particular, when her nails are red.

She puts this down to men's mothers, grandmothers and relatives having red nails around them growing up.

@girlbosstown

Reply to @meganandliz @tinx @serenakerrigan care to comment on this

♬ original sound - GirlBossTown

Personally, I love red nails. Simple and classy. But next time, perhaps consider you could be reminding some random man of his grandma. Something to think about.

It's kind of crazy to think that the small tippy-tips of your fingers can say so much about who you are. And despite the pressure weighing on me, I actually love that every time I sit down in the salon, I can transform into a different version of myself.

With constant colour, shape and design trends infiltrating my feed, there's no lack of inspiration for my next appointment, and for my next personality. Because the truth is, the beauty is in not having to fit into one box.

Cool, clean, sexy, why not try it all out?

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And when all this thinking gets exhausting? I'll look back and remember a time when I would waltz into the nail salon.

"Plain white, short, square, please."

Ah, those were the days.

Feature image: Supplied.