'I hate who I become at the nail salon'.

A thing you must know about me: I always lose my house keys. But also, I hate getting my nails done. 

From the moment I walk through the nail salon doors, I become everything I hate. A shell of my former self. And I begin to exhibit all my worst traits rolled into one. Cute!

I'm indecisive. Shy. Fidgety. A problematic people pleaser. And almost always need to go to the bathroom midway through. 

Don't get me wrong — the manicures are always beautiful. Gosh, they are. And the nail technicians — always so lovely. 

But me? I'm stressed. An actual frazzled mess. For this reason, my nails rarely turn out the way I want them to.

Watch: How to take off acrylic nails at home and reduce nail damage. You will need acetone. Post continues below.

Each time I'll anxiously rifle through the giant rings of colours, overwhelmed with choice, and invariably pick a shade they can't do because a) they've just run out of that one! b) it's not available for the random manicure I've selected on a whim and for some reason stuck to, or c) that woman on the corner is getting it on her toenails and will be another 20 minutes if I want to wait?

Flustered, I'll always end up apologising, deciding to revert, play it excruciatingly safe and instead go for something plain — which just so happens to be one of the eleventy million variations of sheer pink. 

And no, it absolutely doesn't look the same on my nails as it does on the swatch. Silly question.

Every single time I'm almost CERTAIN the shade of pink I've chosen will be The One to give me that cool, chic 'old money manicure' vibe. Yet every single time, it just makes my nails look like... skin because I'm too pale. And every time I look down at my nails I feel annoyed and wonder why my hands look like an actual corpse. 

Also, the nail shapes! Goodness, the shapes. The way your nails are shaped and filed is crucial. It can either make your fingers look lengthy and elegant or short and stubby and just less... nice.

Of course, it always comes down to personal preference. While some people really love the look of long, square nails or those terrifying Kardashian-level claws, I'm more of the not-square but not-oval variety. I like to keep them a little longer (but not too long — just a whisper) so I can look like a grown-up professional lady who gets her nails done all the time and is really very fine about the whole process.

Now, for reasons unclear (my sketchy communication skills in a 'high pressured' situation) I almost always come out with blocky-shaped nails that look like Lego pieces on the tips of my fingers, which make my (actually quite long) fingers somehow look short and square. 

No matter how many times I make a promise to myself it won't happen again, it happens often.

If you're wondering why I don't just USE MY WORDS and tell all of this to the nail person instead of writing a whole article about it and complaining to absolutely everyone (the postman was a hard nut to crack), I really need you to know that I am physically incapable of telling someone their work isn't good. There's just absolutely no way I'd care to offend or inconvenience someone, even if I'm paying a stupid amount of money for their services. 

It's a disease, I'm aware. 

But I'd much rather do that thing I do when I'm at the hairdresser and they've cut me a nice layered mullet, and just pretend it looks great and exactly what I was after. Then I just push those feelings deep, deep down, smile, pay for it like it's Monopoly money, and go home and mull over how silly that was and desperately try to file them into shape.

I mean, now that I'm getting it all out, there was also this time when I bumped my freshly painted nail while trying to put it under the UV light — and it literally ruined me. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to make it a thing but the nail technician spotted it and sighed and had to fix it — and now I always think about it and have heart palpitations when it comes to the part where I have to put them under the light. Ha ha ha, I'm fine, I'm fine. (I'm not).

If it's not the shade or the shape of the nails, it's the fact that I'm incapable of sitting in a quiet room for over an hour without feeling like I need to converse with the nail tech and find out every single detail of their life and if their cousin enjoyed Thailand (they did). If you’re wondering why I don't just pop my earphones in and listen to a podcast, someone once told me that was rude nail salon etiquette, so I never do it.

And if you're also wondering why someone who hates every aspect of getting their nails done... still gets their nails done... sadly, I can't answer that. But I'm almost certain it's because I like the sound of my nails on the keyboard and the feeling that I look a little more 'put together' than I probably deserve to (even if it looks like I have skin for nails). 

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Do you love the nail salon? I bet you do, Jessica. I bet you do. Share your thoughts in the comment section below.

Feature image: Supplied.