"My son took my vibrator to show and tell."

By MONICA ZWOLSMAN

My seven-year old son took my vibrator to his class party last week and proceeded to give everyone a Show and Tell demonstration.

He found the lipstick sized stimulator in a cupboard where it was discarded and forgotten about it after I jokingly bought it at a girlfriend’s naughty sex-toy party a year or two ago (yeah, yeah, I hear you say, but really, he put the batteries in himself!!).

My curious but completely innocent child was hunting for his Nerf gun which had recently been confiscated after he shot me on the back of the head…and he found something far more interesting… something pink and cute that VIBRATED.

He hid it in his backpack and then whipped it out to the complete astonishment of Party Mum when the kids were settling down to watch a DVD. My dear boy then proceeded to give his classmates massages – on their heads, tummies, shoulders and hands. They all reached out to feel it, all seemly oblivious to its very grown-up and (to me) rather risqué purpose. When Party Mum asked where he got such a toy from, he informed her he bought it at Coles.

Party Mum, whom I don’t know that well, dealt with the situation marvellously. With no whiff of dramatics nor hysterical laughter, she merely told my son she would keep it safe for him as she worried it could get lost or broken.

She then sent me a funny message with attached picture of vibrating thingymajiggy… very aaargh… informing me she and all the other mums at the party were off to Coles the very next day.

Fortunately, she saw the funny side and she and the other mums, and all the mums she and I have collectively told, are still laughing about it. And fear not, none of the kids were any the wiser because Party Mum kept calm.

However, it could have been a different story if it had happened at another party with a more conservative mum. Perhaps my child might have been sent packing, bewildered at an angry reaction.

And I, the perverted mummy, would have been shunned forever from The Mummy Club functions, lifeblood of my child’s social network.

Party Mum assured me she had tucked it back into his bag to come home. But it wasn’t there when I looked for it. Apparently, my son lent it to another child, whose identity he says he can’t recall.

No mum has reported having it yet… no doubt it will turn up someplace somewhere when we are least expecting it.

Monica Zwolsman is a single mum of two extraordinary sons – aged 7 and 8. She teaches a bit, she writes sometimes and she prays for an unknown relative to die and leave her a large fortune to allow her the freedom of choice – to spend more time with her kids, travel more, worry less, laugh lots.

Help Monica get over her humiliation. What’s your most embarrassing parenting moment?