'My husband cheated on me with my best friend. I now have to co-parent with her.'

Welcome to Mamamia's column, Divorce Diaries, where Dr Gabrielle Morrissey answers questions around love, loss and relationship breakdowns. If you have an issue you'd like advice on, email us at submissions@mamamia.com.au — you can be anonymous of course.

Question:

My husband cheated on me. With my best friend. A girlfriend I've had since primary school. Not only did they have an affair, but it has led to my divorce with my now ex-husband. And worse, he has since moved in with my former best friend and they have set up house together. My ex-husband and I share two kids in primary school with 50-50 custody, week on-week off, which means I'm not just co-parenting with my ex-husband, but co-parenting with my ex best friend, which is pretty much torture for me. How do I manage that? I'm so angry and hurt, and don't want to have to communicate with either of them, but I also want to do what's best for the children. The situation is agonising for me, alone against the two of them. 

Answer:

First, let me say how deeply sorry I am that you're going through such a painful and challenging situation. Betrayal by a spouse and a best friend is without doubt a deeply difficult experience, and having to navigate co-parenting under these circumstances adds another layer of complexity. Your feelings of hurt, anger, and confusion are completely valid. There would be many women who would relate in some way to your situation so please know you're not alone in this kind of betrayal or in feeling so angry and hurt, faced with co-parenting in an agonising situation.

First, try not to view the situation as a 'you against them' circumstance as that won't help communication or the children's experience. To effectively manage your stress, and theirs, you're going to have to take the high road, as the mother, and compassionate adult, and lead with your best foot forward; meaning that you centre the kids in all decisions, rather than get caught up in the adult relationships of you, your ex (their dad) and your ex best friend, who will now be a significant influence in your children's lives.

Of course this is much easier said than done.

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What unravels the success of this is getting triggered and not being able to regulate your emotions or reactions. Be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions, disagreements and difficult communications. Have a plan to deal with feeling reactive; use stress-reducing techniques and always take time to pause and reflect before reacting.

There will be so many factors in each decision and in each co-parenting communication that it's important that you keep your boundaries up around interacting as a co-parent first and foremost, and not as an ex-wife or ex-friend. This will take practice, but in the long run, keeping yourself protected will keep things calmer and healthier for your kids and you.

Acknowledge your emotions.

The first step in healing and keeping balanced is to acknowledge your emotions. You have every right to feel hurt, betrayed, and angry. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship as you knew it. Journaling, talking to a trusted friend or therapist, walking, exercise or engaging in creative outlets can help process these emotions.

Establish boundaries.

Cannot emphasise this enough! Co-parenting with your ex-husband and former best friend can be challenging, but setting clear boundaries is crucial for your emotional well-being. Determine what kind of communication works best for you—whether it's through text, email, or a co-parenting app —and stick to it. Keep conversations focused on the children and avoid discussing personal matters unless absolutely necessary.

Prioritise your kids.

Your children are undoubtedly affected by this situation as well, and every year this will manifest differently, so you're on this journey together. It's important to provide them with stability and reassurance. Encourage open communication with them, allowing them to express their feelings without judgment. Reassure them that they are loved and that both parents will continue to be there for them. This doesn't mean in the exact same ways, but let them know they are loved.

Seek support.

You don't have to go through this alone. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups who can offer understanding and encouragement. Consider seeking professional counselling for yourself and possibly for your children as well. There are online and national services such as Lifeline and the Women's Resilience Centre (where I also work, full disclosure) which offer free or very low-cost services for counselling and support. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and help you develop practical coping strategies.

Focus on self-care.

Amidst the chaos, it's easy to neglect your own needs. Make self-care a priority by engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Whether it's exercising, reading, meditating, or spending time with supportive friends, taking care of yourself will strengthen your ability to cope with the situation.

When you are most unhappy, you must find avenues for release, and for joy. Co-parenting is a long game and you need sustainable strategies and supports.

Develop a co-parenting plan.

Work towards creating a structured co-parenting plan that outlines custody arrangements, visitation schedules, and decision-making responsibilities. This plan should prioritise the best interests of the children while also respecting your boundaries. If necessary, consider using a mediator or legal professional to help facilitate this process. The clearer this plan is, and what you can agree on up front, the less confusion and conflict there will be as you navigate this process with the children.

Consider forgiveness.

Ok, this is hard — but stick with me and hear me out. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing what happened; rather, it's about freeing yourself from the burden of resentment. This step may take time and might not happen all at once — or at all — and that's okay.

Forgiveness is more about finding peace within yourself than about reconciling with those who hurt you. You may not be ready to do this and that's OK too. You might find with time it becomes more appealing to let go of the anger than hold on to it. Again, it's hard and a very personal choice.

Things will get better.

While it may feel impossible now, engulfed in betrayal and agony, your ability to envision a future where you are happy and fulfilled is important. Set personal goals that excite you and take small steps toward achieving them. This could be pursuing a new hobby, advancing in your career, or simply finding moments of joy each day.

Remember that healing is not linear — it's okay to have good days and bad days. Be patient with yourself as you navigate this journey. You are stronger than you probably realise, and with time and support, you will find your way through this challenging chapter.

And it is just a chapter — it will give way to a new chapter. One you determine, filled with new goals and new joys.

Feature: Getty.