My husband bought me a vibrator for my birthday.

Yes, you read that correctly. My loving husband of almost ten years decided it was a good idea to purchase a vibrator as a gift for the birthday of the mother of his three children.

After all my hints about anti-aging facials and jewellery he decided what I need was a big fake penis.

Because between work, our children, laundry and trying to get to the gym my biggest priority is to have as many orgasms as possible, as quickly as possible and with this particular gift apparently I can get the job done in minutes.

Ironing, check. Bills paid, check.

Orgasm achieved, check.

I’m not sure why I found this gift so offensive. I think it’s because we’ve been through so much lately, that we are so close, that I’ve been dying for us to see a movie together, that I’ve been feeling so happy and content with our relationship and our beautiful family.

I wanted a birthday gift that signified that, that showed he not only cared, but listened when I dropped hints. I wanted something from him that would help me relax, a facial, some time away, a good book, a massage, anything to help me relax!

And then I realised… that’s exactly what he did. He bought me the ultimate gift for relaxation except he forgot that for most women, orgasms come second to foot massages, books, chocolates and anti-aging facials.

He tried to buy me something to make me happy and to relieve my stress. He just came up with the boy answer, not the girl answer.

It didn’t help that it was wrapped in Christmas paper, left on my pillow for me to find shortly after I’d woken up that morning and that the card accompanying it was signed by my kids.

And boy did I let loose. He was gobsmacked. He was truly surprised that I didn’t like it.

“It’s not a birthday gift,” I explained. “Buy it, fine. I doubt I’ll ever use it. But not for my birthday!”

And they’re expensive. Apparently it was almost $200. That would have paid for a two-hour facial with me just lying there being pampered.

My poor husband. I can count on one hand the times he’s bought me a gift I actually like.

Actually, there have been two. He gave me a voucher to buy books once (awesome) and he bought me the most amazing bag once.

So now I have a giant vibrator hiding in the back of my closet, in its original wrapping. Maybe I can sell it on eBay? My first instinct was to throw it in the bin but the cost of it stopped me.

What was he thinking?

How would you have handled it?