'My former friend-with-benefits called to let me know... we're cousins.'

I recently found out some shocking information about a former flame of mine. I say flame because this bloke was never a boyfriend but he was definitely more than a one-night stand.

He messaged me out of the blue and said he 'needed to talk'. Obviously this is a terrifying message to receive from anyone, let alone a former friend-with-benefits.

Did he need money? Somewhere to stay? Was he riddled with disease? Unfortunately, what he'd discovered was much worse.

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We're cousins.

Distant cousins, I promise, but cousins nonetheless.

It turns out our grandfathers were related but estranged and there's no way we could have known. There's no category for that on Tinder.

I understand this is a relatively insane thing to publish for public consumption and I did consider doing so anonymously but unfortunately, I have a comedy festival show to promote so I have no choice but to go loud and proud.

He'd made the connection after signing up for Ancestry.com.au — which is something I now think should be illegal. Ancestry is the world's leading genealogy website and they've made a fortune helping people uncover relatives, famous family and skeletons in the closet.

I understand why people are interested in their personal history but our obsession with our own lore has gone too far. Whether it's a secret sister, a surprise son or an accidental-kissing-cousin there are some family secrets that deserve to be kept — or at least exposed only with everyone's permission.

Once someone falls down the ancestry rabbit hole there's no coming back. Impossibly dull anecdotes about their forefathers will go on high rotation until they're boring an entire dinner party with a limp anecdote about a great uncle who was a racist butcher from Toowoomba.

Next, they'll latch onto any connection with Australian history. If they can use Ancestry to prove they descended from someone aboard the first fleet then they will become an Ancestry A-lister. Sadly, most will have to settle for something less grand. Your aunty knew Harold Holt? Your grandfather worked the Snowy Hydro? Your cousin built the big banana? Big Whoop. We're now so engrossed by family trees that we have entire television shows dedicated to the average histories of earnest celebrities. Want to watch a Wiggle discover their grandmother was the first woman to sell gelatin in Geraldton? Wake up Jeff, you've bored yourself to sleep.

Image: Supplied. 

Perhaps this is why I am so bothered by my cousin-cum-lover situation. I have long dreamed of appearing on the SBS series Who Do You Think You Are? but not now. No chance. Nobody is tuning in to see how my ancestors made the brave journey from Parramatta to Pakenham only for me to accidentally kiss a cousin. Not on SBS anyway, maybe on Channel 7. Kissing Cousins sounds exactly like something Sonia Kruger would win a Logie for on Seven.

The latest frontier of genealogical self-discovery is DNA. People everywhere are self-swabbing and sending their data to corporate labs to find out their geographical origin. Australians everywhere are learning that they're not just Australian. They're special. They're four per cent French or Dutch or Samoan or Irish and they'll make this tiny exoticism the new cornerstone of their personality. Not a day will pass without them shoehorning their newfound identity into every conversation.

"Did I tell you I love The Corrs?"

Yes Tanya, you did.

I dream of returning to the days of respectful secrecy. In the nineties, after her parents died, my nana found out that she was actually one year older than they had told her. For sixty years they had lied to her and there were no online sleuths to burst her bubble. That's the kind of world I want to live in, one with a bit of mystery in our history.

But for those who insist on unlocking the secrets of the past, be careful what you wish for. You never know what skeletons you might find in your cousin's closet.

Hunter Smith is a comedian based in Melbourne. His show Bushranger is debuting at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Tickets on sale now. Follow him on Instagram @mrhuntersmith.

Feature image: Supplied.