TARA PAVLOVIC: 'A letter to my friends and family who I haven't been able to show up for lately.'

I just want to take some time out of my day to say sorry to all of my friends and family who I haven't been able to show up for lately.

I have been feeling like such a terrible person and so guilty lately as my efforts aren't what they used to be. 

I know my actions may come across as selfish and like I don't care about you, but I do care so much. 

I'm sorry if I've made plans with you and cancelled on the day because I didn't sleep the night before, I'm sorry if I couldn't make your birthday or event because my kids were sick. 

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I'm sorry if I haven't called you back or returned your text, I'm sorry if I've forgotten your birthday, I'm sorry if I've forgotten how old your kids are.

I'm sorry if I forgot to put money in for your present while my baby was in hospital, I'm sorry if we haven't spoken in months, I'm sorry I haven't been excited for your party due to exhaustion. 

I'm sorry if you're always trying to catch up with me and I never can, I'm sorry I haven't come to you and you always have to come to me and I'm sorry about any other way I have let you down.

The truth is, I can't even show up for myself at the moment.

With the lack of sleep, the mental load of being a mum, trying to work, trying to look after my health, trying to navigate a marriage and trying to navigate my own mental and physical health, my brain is fried. 

I forget everything all the time, and in the few minutes a day I do get to myself I am trying so hard to catch up on the to-do list which seems to keep growing and growing. 

I'm managing to show up for the kids which is the most important thing right now.

I just want you to know I am trying my best. 

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I've been trying to work out how I can be a better person but I've come to realise I actually can't right now. This is just a stage in life and I know in the future I will have more freedom, but I also don't want to wish this time away. So I just want to try and enjoy it without the guilt of letting people close to me down.

I know mums are meant to be able to do it all but sometimes we just can't.

So please don't think I'm selfish and this is about you, it's just that I physically and mentally can't be who I used to be right now. But please know I do care. 

These words aren't just from me… I know they are felt by so many.

I find it so important to be open about these things that have so much potential to help people feel less alone and heard. I am happy and I love my life, but it wouldn't be right to show only that part of my life and hide the times I struggle. I would feel fake.

Remember — those who are meant to be in your life forever, will be.

This letter was republished with permission. 
Feature Image: Instagram @tarapavlovic.