Excuse me.
The MTV VMAs 2019 red carpet just happened and no I don’t recognise anyone.
But none of that matters.
Because everyone is dressed like a crazy person and we need to talk about it.
There’s a live snake epidemic, at least two too many visible nipples, severely undressed men, a suit with no pants and a Jonas brother who wardrobe forgot.
So pls behold the 7 red carpet moments that made me - a person who knows precisely nothing about fashion or music - gasp in horror.
Sometimes we turn up to a music awards show wearing a superhero outfit, and in hindsight we feel a little... silly.
Ava Max, who is allegedly an American singer, dressed as a hybrid of Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel on the red carpet and maybe she thought this was a Book Week event and then she saw Taylor Swift and realised she got her dates mixed up.
I HATE IT when I accidentally turn up to a red carpet event looking like a superhero EUGH it's just the worst.
Mariah Lynn (also a singer... apparently) forgot to wear a bra which would be fine.
Speaking of the VMAs, watch Lizzo's viral performance. Post continues after video.
Except that her dress is see-through. And she's on international television. And these photos will exist forever, etc etc. You can almost pinpoint the exact moment she realises what's happened.
Of course, there's NOTHING wrong with nipples. My only concern is for the children who thought this was a family friendly event and are now surrounded by public nudity.
Children like Shawn Mendes.
If you want to stand out at an awards ceremony, everyone knows you just bring your own snake.
Like Britney Spears, circa 2001:
So this year, Tana Mongeau, a famous Youtuber who in my humble opinion has no business being at the VMAs in the first place, thought she'd have a snake moment.
... As did Gabriella Wilson, a singer-songwriter known as H.E.R.
Even more awkward than two people turning up wearing... snakes, is that fact that it probably isn't a good time to be using animals in the name of fashion.
People aren't particularly down with animals being in distress, and there's the whole humans ruining the planet vibe etc etc.
When there are people like Lizzo on the red carpet:
And Zara Larsson:
You... just... can't... dress... like... this:
THANKS FOR WEARING A BRIGHT SHIRT WOW REALLY APPRECIATE THE EFFORT.
DJ Khaled - your outfit is an insult to humanity.
New rule: If you're Taylor Swift, pants are optional.
I had a problem with this and then I looked around and saw nipples and... play on.
Gigi and Bella Hadid are wearing nude but are not actually nude and they think that's really very clever.
But we need to talk about... buckles.
Bella.
They're not... doing anything.
There is nothing about the structure of your dress that makes any sense.
Not the top. Not the skirt. And not the entirely purposeless buckles holding them together.
The question then becomes HOW ARE YOU WEARING TWO SKIN-TIGHT PIECES OF FABRIC HELD TOGETHER BY A BUCKLE THAT DOESN'T WORK AND STILL ABLE TO LOOK LIKE THIS:
It's the greatest mystery of our time.
When stylists approached the Jonas brothers with potential outfits for the VMAs, it would appear they only had a limited number of options.
Someone had to be the guy in the onesie.
And yeah, it was Nick.
He looks like he's about to jump out of a plane.
The... elastic. Around his waist. The collar. The... skivvy.
It's shocking.
My sincerest condolences.
