'I'm a parenting coach. Here are the 5 mistakes I see parents making all the time.'

As a parenting coach, parents come to me when they’ve had enough.

Their kids aren’t listening and none of their techniques are working. Meltdowns are a daily thing (not just from the children). And somewhere along the way, they’ve developed a shouting habit, even though they’ve always been a calm, chilled-out person. They’re stuck in a parenting rut. 

Parents are run down, beat up and exhausted, especially given the last few years, but they’re making family life a lot harder than it needs to be. 

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Here are five big mistakes I see parents making all the time that are ramping up the struggle factor:

1. They don’t understand their triggers.

Parenting triggers refer to unconscious reactions to situations we find challenging and usually to come from our childhood. For example, have you ever shouted at the kids, the way your own mother used to shout at you – despite your best intentions not to raise your voice the way she did? These are your parenting triggers at work. 

Even with the best of childhoods, we still carry parenting tendencies and behaviours from our own parents, and these tend to come out unconsciously when we’re faced with a behaviour we find particularly difficult in our kids. Once you identify your triggers, you can learn to manage them more effectively and feel more in control as a parent. 

2. Their wellbeing is not on the map.

Many parents (it’s mostly mums) have got so used to their needs being on the back-burner that it feels impossible to make themselves a priority again. If you are allowing yourself to run on empty, all you’re doing is making daily parenting extremely difficult, and you’re far more likely to respond to your kids' needs with impatience, irritability, and distraction. 

Think of yourself like a car, driving around with the petrol light on, desperately in need of fuel before you conk out on the side of the road. This car isn’t going anywhere good – and neither are you if you don’t make your wellbeing number one. 

The good news is that daily wellbeing doesn’t need to be a big thing, like a massage or bubble bath. A dose of self-care could simply be enjoying a cup of tea before you take on household tasks. If you’re not at your best, you can’t be your best; it’s really that simple. 

3. They’re not on top of their emotional game.

Big behaviour in kids is almost always about an emotional struggle going on below the surface, so it’s essential for us to teach children to manage their feelings productively. The problem with most modern discipline strategies is that they focus on behaviour management, which means the emotional needs underneath don’t get a look in. 

If those emotional needs go unmet, the behaviour will just turn up somewhere else. In other words, it’s essential that we equip ourselves with the skills to support our kids' strongest feelings, as well as role model that we can do the same for our own. The better you get at doing this, the fewer behavioural issues you will have with your child, and the healthier and happier their path in life will be. 

4. They’re using discipline duds.

Many parents are still using old-school discipline techniques, which don’t work to curb misbehaviour in the long-term and can damage the relationship they have with their child. If these techniques aren’t giving you great results, stop using them. 

You don’t need to use time outs and naughty steps, and there are other ways to deal with behavioural challenges besides removing privileges or toys. Seriously, let these go. Using poor discipline tools will see the behaviour continuing and sometimes even worsening.

Research suggests that parents who use warmth and love when setting limits have greater success than those who use rigid control. Meaningful behavioural change for children can occur in a loving, gentle environment, and doesn’t require harsh punishments to get the message through. Yes, this still means setting boundaries and limits, and no, this doesn’t make it soft or flowery parenting. 

Listen to This Glorious Mess. On this episode, we kick off our series on parenting styles talking to parenting educator and speaker Lael Stone about Aware Parenting. Story continues below.

5. They have lofty expectations.

Our expectations of children are often quite outrageous. In fact, for many parents experiencing struggles with their kids, unrealistic expectations are a big culprit. It seems that once children have learned some basic independence skills like toilet training, sleeping alone at night, and getting themselves dressed, this implies that they have other grown-up skills and tendencies, such as effective listening, a decent attention span, and the ability to put their feelings aside and get on with what’s asked of them. 

Consider where your child is at developmentally and that their immature brains won’t be fully functioning until early adulthood. Then consider what you expect of your child, and how often you’re disappointed as a result. Ditch the expectations that aren’t working for you. This process will halve your stress levels on the spot. 

You made an amazing human being or two, so you deserve to enjoy them. Addressing these mistakes isn’t easy and may even take some deeper work, but the rewards are life-changing, for you and your family. It starts with raising your self-awareness and boosting your skills, and ends in family harmony that lasts the distance. 

Karina is a Sydney-based parenting coach and author, who loves helping mums embrace no-stress, guilt-free parenting, and raise amazing kids – the easier way. Her new book, Chilled Out Mum is available here.  

Feature Image: Getty.