The messy middle stage of separation that no one warns you about.

When we talk about relationship breakdowns, the conversation typically focuses on two distinct phases; the lead-up to separation and the aftermath, the divorce or split.

But there's an overlooked stage that can be the most confusing and painful of all — the messy middle part of separation.

It's the part that Jacintha Field, a mother from Victoria, knows all too well.

She's lived it and come out the other side.

Listen: Decoding the Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban divorce narrative. Post continues below.

When Jacintha's partner of eight years called time on their relationship and asked to separate, she was left reeling.

What followed was a confusing, heart-wrenching time.

Love, on her side, still existed, but it was complicated.

She didn't know what she was fighting for and whether that person still held space for her.

"I had to go through a period of what I call 'the mud.' The mud is when you're in it. There's no way out of it. You have to go through it," Jacintha told Mamamia.

"That for me felt like I had been smashed in two by a semi-trailer going 100 miles an hour. One minute you have a family and a partner — in the next minute you don't.

"That middle time, for me, was very confusing."

Jacintha Field pictured. Image: Supplied

For Jacintha, this period coincided with COVID-19 lockdowns and her son starting school, which created a perfect storm of instability.

Her five-year-old was throwing bins around the house and running up the street.

"His emotions were so beyond anything I could support at the time," Jacintha said.

"All you want as a mother is for your child to have stability. That's all I've ever wanted."

Looking back, one of the most isolating aspects of the messy middle was the fact friends and family struggled to provide support. Jacintha found people would often impose arbitrary timelines on grief and would suggest she should be "over it" after six months.

In reality, the healing process is far more complex.

"All I wanted was somebody to come over and sit with me and watch a movie and eat ice cream," she said, adding it's not about sitting through hard chats and big emotions.

"Find the element that you can show up for them… just being really authentic and meeting them where they're at.

"If you're really good at playing sport, let's go play basketball for half an hour."

Watch: How to support someone going through a separation or divorce. Post continues below.

Although there was a sense of living in limbo, Jacintha was able to move on when her partner found someone else.

"As soon as that happened for me, I was done," she said.

How to navigate the 'messy middle.'

According to Tiffany Rochester, an award-winning clinical psychologist and the founding director of Co-parenting Companion, the messy middle is normal, but it can trigger a profound identity crisis.

Especially for women who wear the roles of mothers, wives, partners and caregivers.

"There is a huge identity shift that happens," Tiffany told Mamamia. "And it can't be rushed, the feelings need to be felt.

"Don't be frightened of leaning into that."

Her advice?

"Push your feet into the ground and keep breathing. You are allowed to take your time in this," she said.

"As painful as the messy middle is, and we call it the messy middle because we can't see the outcome yet, it's also a really important place.

"It's a space where you test out your ideas, take a step forward and see what that feels like in your nervous system, where you get to consider what would my life be like outside of this relationship?

"My experience is that people need to take their time going through those steps, so that when they make the decision to leave they know it was the best and healthiest decision for them."

Tiffany emphasised this journey shouldn't be undertaken in isolation.

"Don't do this alone. These are very complicated thoughts and feelings," she said.

Her non-negotiable advice is to seek professional support immediately; whether that's a co-parenting coach for those with children, or a divorce coach, who can work collaboratively with both parties.

"You don't need to phone a lawyer straight up," she said, explaining too often people jump straight into being adversarial," she said.

"Look for somebody who can work collaboratively with you to guide you through what are the least combative, most efficient steps to be able to sit through the financial separation and the emotional separation. There are completely non-adversarial legal solutions to separation, and we need to change that narrative."

The messy middle, whilst brutal, is transformative.

"Everybody has the right to be in a relationship that completely lights them up. Where they can love fully and be fully loved," Tiffany said.

"If your relationship has reached the point where that cannot be that for the two of you, then stepping out from that and moving through the process allows you to step into who you truly want to be. Who you truly care to be for your children, for yourself, for your friendship network, but actually just largely for yourself."

This is true for Jacintha.

She has come out of the mud and she's stronger for it. To help her son (and herself) through the "confusing" period, she returned to study to become a family and child counsellor.

"It's been a really hard process, but it's also been amazing because I now have very clear boundaries and I trust my intuition," she said.

"I'm a lot stronger than I used to be. I knew deep down that it wasn't the right relationship for me."

Feature image: Getty. (Stock image for illustrative purposes).