Mia Freedman: These are my 7 biggest regrets.

Édith Piaf was talking bollocks.

She sang “non, je ne regrette rien” but really, Édith? Really?

I regret so many things. I won’t say I’m crippled with regret but I have a healthy dose of it.

Apparently, there are four different types of regret, according to the fabulously named author, Daniel Pink, who wrote a book about it.

Here they are:

1. Foundation

These regrets are related to the groundwork of our lives, such as getting a decent education, staying healthy and managing our money. They depend on our capacity to be conscientious and responsible. Get these basics right and we thrive - but slip up and regret follows. 

2. Boldness

We are all offered countless chances in life and it's up to us whether we choose to take them or not. According to Pink, being bold and taking risks leads to less regret. 

3. Moral

Although we may rationalise them at the time, there are choices that we know, deep down, are wrong even when we're making them. Whether they involve lying to a spouse, swindling a business partner or cheating on a test, these types of regrets are insidious because they compromise our belief in our own goodness.

4. Connection

There are always going to be people in our lives who are fundamental to our sense of self: partners, parents, siblings or friends. When we neglect these relationships there is a deep and abiding sense of loss.

Recently on Mamamia Out Loud Jessie, Holly and I each did an episode where we shared the biggest regrets of our lives and it was a fascinating exercise to sit down and think about it.

These were mine:

Playing with a pitchfork, aged five.

I idolised my brother who was seven years older than me and wanted to do everything he did. 

That included aerating the soil in the backyard.

So one day, when all the family were over I went into the backyard and grabbed the pitchfork to do just that. Instead, I impaled myself straight through my foot.

My poor father had to pull it out, and at the hospital they let me know that if it was a little to the left or right, I could've caused myself a permanent disability.

I still have the scar.

Every relationship I ever had with a guy who owned a bong.

This one's self explanatory.

Every relationship I ever had that should have been a one-night stand 

There is significant overlap between this and my previous regret, admittedly.

I was never very good at casual sex. I had internalised the idea that I needed to form a connection or have a relationship with anyone I slept with, and those relationships lasted far too long for something that should have happened once.

Everything about my wedding.

Everything.

I regret the dress I wore, the people I invited, and the food we ate.

I regret not letting my Father walk me down the aisle in a feminist protest, even though he paid for the wedding.

I was pregnant at the time of my wedding, and I lost the baby the next day and for years I couldn't even look at the photos. 

Every pile-on I’ve ever been on the bottom of (but not for the reason you might think.)

At the heart of every pile-on I've been involved in, I've inadvertently upset a person or group of people I didn't mean to and while I regret the aftermath, more than that, I regret that it happened.

It becomes very hard to convey that without people thinking you are being insincere.

Further to that:

Every time I've been cavalier with people's feelings. 

I regret all the times I've not understood the impact of my words. 

There are so many occasions where I have thrown out empty promises without considering how someone may be counting on me to pull through.

When I was editing Cosmo, I was young and didn't have much experience managing people.

There was a woman on my team who went on mat leave, and I made a very cavalier promise to her about the fact that she could come back part time. 

Then I found out that I wasn't able to bring her back part time, and I didn't realise the impact that those words had in the way she'd changed how she was thinking about her life.

I always wanted to tell people what they wanted to hear, but that's not the best thing to do.

The speech I gave at my 40th birthday party.

At my 40th birthday, I had 40 women for lunch from all different parts of my life.

What I decided to do, was make a speech that named all the babies that they had lost because I had a thing about naming the people who've been lost as it gives them dignity.

What I was surprised to see afterwards was the toilets full of weeping women. 

No one had been given notice that I was going to do that, and I brought their 'pocketed trauma' to the surface.

So I regret my 40th birthday speech and all my friends that I made cry.

Not having a fourth child.

Finally, I regret not having a fourth child. 

I fell pregnant after my third, but my husband didn't want any more kids. He said he'd leave the decision up to me, but our marriage would have ended. 

Then I went to my obstetrician appointment, and as we were joking about how my firstborn would be able to drive me to mother's group, he did the ultrasound and there was no heartbeat.

I had already decided I couldn't have a termination, but it didn't matter. 

I love the glorious mess of parenting, and it's my husband's kryptonite but I'll alway's feel like there's someone not here.

You can hear the details in the episode. And Holly’s. And Jessie’s too.

Feature Image: Supplied.