MIA FREEDMAN: Why I don’t post photos of my kids online. It’s not what you think.

The question came - as these questions invariably do - while I was driving. My youngest son was six, and I’d just picked him up from after school care.

"Mum," he exclaimed, wide-eyed, "Did you know if you Google 'Mia Freedman's kids' there’s a photo of me wearing a nappy?"

His voice was a mix of shock and betrayal. I kept my expression neutral as I felt the familiar sting of guilt and regret that never gets old.

"Is there?" I replied, stalling for time while mentally flicking at high speed through what photo he could be talking about. 

"Yes! My friends and I were on the school computer and we were googling things and we saw it!"

Watch: How to be a woman in 2023. Post continues after video.

"How did that make you feel?" I asked, still stalling because I had no idea how to handle the situation.

"Well, I don’t feel great about it, to be honest," he said quietly, shaking his head.

When we got home, I googled 'Mia Freedman’s kids' and quickly saw the photo he meant. It wasn’t him. It was me with someone else’s baby.

I couldn’t wait to tell him the good news and frankly, it made more sense. Because I’ve been a mother for 25 years and there are barely any photos of my children on the Internet. On purpose.

This week, I learned that France is attempting to pass a "sharenting" law, legally preventing parents from posting photos of their children online. It’s a blatant risk to the kids' privacy, according to the bill, which points out that half the photos shared by pedophiles were initially posted by parents on social media. It’s a shocking statistic.

The legislation states that protecting their children’s privacy is one of a parent’s legal duties and that they must involve the child in decisions around their images "according to his or her age and degree of maturity."

The aim is not just to protect a child’s privacy but also their "dignity and moral integrity". This raises a fascinating question in 2023: who should have a say in what images we post of our kids?

It’s sparking a lot of chats among parents with some feeling defensive about the photos they’ve already posted, some feeling defiant about photos they might want to post in future and others agreeing with the French and muttering, Oui, oui, too bloody right.

I’m in none of those camps, really. I don’t share photos of my children despite hanging around with them a fair bit for more than 25 years. There are three reasons why I don’t post my kids on my socials and none of them are because I’m better than people who do.

1. They were born at just the right time.

I had my first child in 1997 - before the Internet, pretty much - and thank god for that. I didn’t have to decide how to announce my pregnancy on Instagram while wearing a sarong made just of flowers or navigate the politics of who in my family was allowed to post photos of my newborn on their social media.

Hilariously, despite being a fairly high-profile magazine editor in 1997, I didn’t mention the fact I’d become a mother for seven years and then, only fleetingly in my final editor’s letter.

When I had my daughter in 2005 and my second son in 2008, social media still wasn’t a thing. Not like now. Not like 10 years ago.

So I was saved from all those decisions about what to post and how much to reveal and wondering if I was compromising my child’s privacy or handing weapons to their future bullies or giving them reasons to resent me or accidentally exposing them to the eyes of pedophiles. It was a simpler time and for that; I am grateful.

Hell, all I had to think about was whether I was taking enough family photos of my third child because, you know, third child.

2. There are people with strong feelings about me on the internet.

It’s a weird thing to learn - and then learn to accept - that there are strangers on the Internet who hate you. Or who are invested in believing lies about you to justify hating you. Also, it’s hard to process that there are people who get their kicks - and sometimes status - from performing this hatred in front of others by posting comments or tweets or even articles that deride and demean you. There have been death threats on many occasions. Abuse too vile to repeat. It’s an impossible thing to reconcile, to be honest, and the way I deal with it is to give it as little of my energy and attention as possible.

However. This is not an environment into which I have ever felt comfortable or even safe to drop photos of the most precious people in my life. I can internalise and ameliorate the risks of public scrutiny for myself and I have learned to manage the very specific head f**kery of it. But my kids? Forget it. No.

This is not the same for everyone in the public eye, of course. But I have long been what’s sometimes referred to as 'a polarising figure' which usually means a woman with opinions and that brings with it a level of attention I just won’t impose upon my kids.

Listen to Mamamia's parenting podcast, This Glorious Mess. Post continues after podcast.

3. I want them to be main characters.

This reason is one that has become more apparent to me as my kids have grown older. It’s hard to argue that one baby is that different from the next or that any baby does anything really distinctive. Babies are individuals... just like all the other individual babies.

As they become children and then tween and teens and adolescents though, it’s impossible to kid yourself that your kids are simply extensions of you. It’s during these years that you stop being the main characters in their lives. This is when you become aware that they need to establish themselves as separate from you. And if you’re not aware of it? They’ll tell you, loudly, often immediately before slamming their bedroom door nearly off its hinges. 

Autonomy over your image and how you’re portrayed is an important part of living in the digital world and I’ve learned the hard way, by blundering over those unseen boundaries, how damaging it can be. I have breached my children’s trust on many occasions in the past by repeating things I didn’t think were private or important but that were important and private for them. Photos are the same. What feels embarrassing or personal is subjective and it can change depending on how vulnerable you feel and what else is going on in your life. Also, how old you are.

All babies wear nappies. They are unremarkable things. And yet my son was mortified to think there was a photo of him on the Internet wearing one. To him, it felt undignified. Humiliating. Babyish. I have learned it is not possible to judge how your child will feel about a photo of themself in the future and I have learned that some moments are not mine to share.

Feature Image: Supplied.

Do you have children/step-children aged 1-4 years? We want to hear from you - take our short survey to go in the running to win a $50 gift voucher!