We need to talk about menopausal women at work, and the 6 rules workplaces must follow.

Menopause policies are the latest must haves in most organisations.

Most are total twaddle. 

So, I have written a proper policy here that you are welcome to send to your HR team to cut and paste into their people policies and procedures.

Watch: If a man lived like a woman for a day. Post continues below.

Menopausal Women at Work: A guide for Managers 

Introduction

As a fully diverse and inclusive organisation, our board of 12 white middle-class men and one white middle class woman (HR) have approved this menopausal policy for immediate implementation. 

At its core are various 'reasonable adjustments' that have made to accommodate the menopausal woman’s needs. 

For ease of use, this policy is split into various sections for each category of ‘reasonable adjustment.’  

It is imperative that you are familiar with the full policy and adhere to all advice within it. Refusal to comply will result in disciplinary procedures against you (see end of this policy for details).

1. Temperature Control

Central to this policy is the ownership of temperature control - it will be handed entirely over to the menopausal woman. 

If others in the office complain that it is too cold, then they will be asked to wear a jumper and a woolly hat. 

It is essential that the menopausal woman can regulate the temperature around her as there is f**k all she can do about the raging inferno inside her.  

If anyone changes the temperature, they will be forced to spend the day with three jumpers, then six hot water bottles tied around their middle and a big woolly coat on while sitting beside a heater.

This should develop the appropriate amount of empathy required to support the menopausal woman going forward. 

2. Relationships with colleagues

The menopause can affect how a woman performs her work and her relationships with colleagues. 

For example, she may also often refer to her colleagues using such terms as 'Dicktard', 'F**kwit' and even the C word. She may be observed rolling her eyes and doing a two-fingered salute during the more tedious of meetings. 

This is because falling oestrogen levels make her much more honest than the non-menopausal person. 

It is recommended, therefore, that you reflect and consider if perhaps the menopausal woman has a point.

It is imperative that you foster a ‘psychologically safe’ environment for her to say exactly what she thinks. 

As you know, we are facing falling profits and to cut costs, we have decided to save a fortune on employee surveys by simply gathering all the menopausal women in our organisation and ask them what is pissing them off.

We will share the results in due course. 

3. Dress code

Any dress code is to be relaxed for the menopausal woman. 

If the menopausal woman wants to wear a loose smock with Birkenstocks rather than pour herself into a tight skirt and blazer then this will be accommodated.

Indeed, she may choose to simply come to work in her pyjamas and this will not be discouraged – we are currently producing cotton branded pyjamas and would like menopause advocates to also wear them in solidarity. 

Bras are totally optional, and no comments should be made about tits that, thanks to gravity, may peak out from below the pyjama top.   

4. Menopausal leave

The menopausal woman may find it beneficial to just piss off from everyone and everything and sit on a beach in Greece either to write bad poetry by herself or to shag the waiter like in Shirley Valentine. 

Every menopausal woman is different so there are no structured guidelines around this, but we have agreed with our Unions a three month menopausal career break on full pay as a minimum – requests for an extension will be considered on a case by case basis.  

This leave may not be shared with a partner even if they beg - it isn't about them. 

They can sort their own bloody manopause out (if you haven't heard of it, it's a bit like man flu but with motorbikes).

5. Perks/Benefits specific to the menopausal woman

Menopausal poverty is increasing, and no woman should be out of pocket because of this time in their life. 

It is a cruel truth that as the menopausal woman's eyesight starts to deteriorate their facial hair will start to increase. 

Laser eye surgery will therefore be offered as a tax-free benefit as well as high quality tweezers and strong magnifying mirrors. 

Free Tena ladies will join the sanitary protection in the toilets and vodka should join the chocolate in the vending machines. Note - JOIN - not replace.  

Menopausal ambassadors will be around to help where required, with stocks of hankies; numbers for therapists (six sessions provided free of charge); vouchers for plus size stores; wine and chocolate in case the vending machines run out. 

As it is very likely that the menopausal woman will only find a cure for her insomnia three seconds before the alarm goes off and are therefore often exhausted during the day – there are now menopause rooms which are equipped with cool comfortable beds that rock the menopausal woman to sleep.  

Women have unlimited access to these rooms. 

6. Mandatory training

Mandatory training will be given to all managers to help them implement this policy (unless the manager is a menopausal woman in which case, she can have the day off to lie in bed and drink those wee cans of Pims you get in Tesco).

This will commence with a full day’s immersion session to enable you to fully empathise with the menopausal woman. 

All managers will participate in such activities as: 

• Standing in front of an industrial oven on full blast for 15 mins four times during the day to develop empathy for the hot flush.

• Being put in a sealed room with lots of midges to understand better the unbearable menopausal itching. 

• A temporary full-frontal lobotomy will be given at the end of the course and not reinstated after one week so the manager can experience brain fog and forgetfulness at first hand. 

• Kneecaps and elbows will be struck repeatedly throughout the day with a hammer to replicate menopausal joint pain.

As a family friendly organisation, additional places will be made available for partners and children of the menopausal woman where required. 

It is recognised that additional training in conflict resolution may be required, and this will be an optional module that we believe most managers will choose to take up.

We believe these measures set the tone for a positive working environment for the menopausal woman.

To ensure the long-term success of this policy any transgressions will be dealt with by a forum of menopausal woman headed by Big Mags who is looking for a change in career after an incident in her old customer service role. 

She is permanently hangry due to trying to get rid of the menopausal midriff and her totally understandable mood swings are legendary.  

Both these things make her the perfect candidate for dealing with any infringements of due process.

You can find more of the Menopausal Woman on Twitter @gallopingcatast or Facebook.

Feature Image: Getty.