Did your dad pack school lunches when you were a kid? Does your partner pick up the pieces after he’s finished playing lego on the floor ? Research from the Ohio State University shows that men actually need to step back from all this care giving. Author Kate Hunter writes
I have a friend called Rosie who, when she meets another mum says, ‘So tell me, is your husband home at six to bath the children?’
Rosie’s husband is never home for bathtime, and it is all she wants. In her mind, it’s key to happiness and harmony in the home. Her fantasy husband would walk in the door a few minutes before six. Without breaking his stride, he would plop down his briefcase, roll up his sleeves and head straight for the bathroom where he would turn chaos into calm while Rosie pours herself a gin and tonic.
Dad in bath photo courtesy of tourist_on_earth.
A new study shows Rosie is delusional. Not because she believes such a man exists, but that she thinks he is a good thing. The Daily Telegraph reports:
“New research suggests dads should step back and take less of a role in care-giving tasks for pre-school aged children.
The surprise findings state that parents who share tasks such as feeding and bathing their toddlers experience more conflict than couples in which the mother undertook those duties alone.
But dads are not let off the hook completely with the research stating they should instead spend more time playing with their children.
The results of the Ohio State University study do not surprise Relationships Australia NSW acting chief executive officer Lyn Fletcher, who said mothers often found it difficult to “give up control” of care-giving duties for their children even if they say they want their partner’s help.
“It’s not about the fathers doing those tasks, it’s how they do them,” Ms Fletcher said.
“Mothers are often very definite about the way they think things should be done in relation to caring for their children.
“If she thinks the father is not doing things to the standard she would, then it can lead to conflict.
“Sometimes mothers need to learn not to worry about small things that don’t really matter and just focus on the fact their partner is helping with the children.””
While worrying for the safety of the people at the Ohio State University if Rosie ever gets hold of them, I also wondered about what they had to say.
I know women who hate it when their partners ‘try to be helpful.’ Because they don’t do it all the time, or because they didn’t set up the system, these men get things wrong. They forget about teeth-brushing. Dinner might be nachos made with tinned spaghetti and a side of ice-cream. I have one friend who wishes she could buy a badge saying, ‘Daddy Dressed Me.’ Her husband once dressed their three year old in a nightie to take her to the park, thinking it was a pretty dress.
I get it. No one likes to be a nag, and often it’s easier to do a job yourself than to explain how it should be done. It’s not, as far as I can see, a gender thing. It’s more about who does the kid-work most of the time.
Personally, I try not to intervene when my husband does stuff with the kids or around the house unless there is real, present and physical danger. It’s hard, and sometimes I actually have to leave the house and let him get on with it, but mostly I am just grateful.
How do things work at your place? Is playing with the kids so you can ‘get things done,’ the best way for your partner to help around the house? Can you relax with a gin and tonic while he baths the kids, or are you too worried that he might use the bubble bath as shampoo? Did your dad help your mum around the house?
