Mamamia understands that Australians have diverse views when it comes to events like the Melbourne Cup. You can read more about the facts around horse racing in 2019 here, a defense of the industry here, and the perspective of some animal rights activists here.
Look.
Today is weird.
Objectively, I prefer horses to humans.
They’re gentle and friendly and often they have silly haircuts.
On a more serious note, I have a very real problem with the horse racing industry.
Between August 2017 and July 2018, 119 racehorses were killed on track or soon after racing. This doesn't include horse deaths while training or in trials.
That's one horse every three days.
Then, just under a month ago, an ABC investigation unearthed some truly distressing facts about what really goes on when racehorses' lives end.
I've never attended the races, and I don't bet on them.
But the reality is that on Melbourne Cup Day, there are lots of famous people dressed up just begging for me to have opinions.
So today, I've decided to consult with a Melbourne Cup horse - the most unlikely to win the race, Neufbosc (who I'll call Noofy for short) - to recap the fashion on the field.
Noofy is paying $126. Noofy will not win. So he's keen to get some exposure as a fashion commentator.
Ahem.
Noofy has questions about why a fully grown adult man is called Honey Badger but we don't have time for explanations.
Today, Nick 'Honey Badger' Cummins is just definitely going to run into one of the women he publicly rejected on national television.
So he's combating the awkwardness by a) masking it with disproportionate excitement, and b) dressing likely every private school boy who's ever been to the races.
It would also appear his helicopter landed in the middle of nowhere so it's unclear how/if he'll actually make it to the main event.
Sometimes, fashion becomes so farshion that sleeves become... sleeveless. Or gloves become... gloveless.
THERE IS NO POINT IN TWO PIECES OF SHEER MATERIAL THAT COVER NEITHER YOUR SHOULDERS NOR YOUR HANDS.
Also, everything is purple and I don't know how I feel about that.
Noofy is impartial.
Noofy and I don't understand why, when we wear thick headbands, we look like there's a strange growth emerging from our skulls.
But when models and influencers wear thick headbands, they look all cute and young and pretty.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Noofy thinks Brit Davis looks like a crayon.
And he does not mean that as an insult.
You might recognise Doris Younane from her time on McLeod's Daughters.
It would appear she is now a bee keeper.
Congratulations.
Noofy feels it's slightly rude, however, that she failed to warn other race-goers about the bee problem.
Okay so both the presence of bees and Rebecca Harding's bee allergy are rumours - solely started and perpetuated by me.
But if there were bees, Rebecca Harding would be particularly vulnerable given her lack of hat.
There are quite a few hatless women today... I thought hats were a rule???
Noofy and I are both uncertain.
Noofy says Elyse's leopard print is confusing for the horses.
I feel like you went to enter the marquee with no headpiece, then someone yelled at you, so you grabbed a decoration off the floor and stuck it on top of your bun.
And I respect that.
OKAY I GET IT THE BLOCK COLOUR THING IS WHAT THE COOL PEOPLE ARE WEARING.
This is also giving me bee keeper vibes but I think that's something I have to deal with, personally.
We have FOUND the bee.
I REPEAT: We have FOUND THE BEE.
No wonder we've got a full-blown bloody bee keeper hanging around, we have a 5 foot something BEE in the birdcage.
Look. No one understands how Lady Kitty Spencer ended up as the esteemed guest for the 2019 Melbourne Cup, least of all Lady Kitty Spencer.
So she tried to wear something to allow her to blend in.
But then the hat happened.
Which she regrets.
And she's wondering if after she gets her photo taken with this strange cup, she's allowed to go home, please.
Noofy has started to lose it at the sight of the trophy - which he will never, under any circumstances, win - so moving right along.
Congrats on your suit.
Okay. So Noofy doesn't want to be rude but he's fairly certain a bird pooped on Kate Waterhouse's hat and she hasn't noticed.
I... I'm not confident that isn't what happened.
Good observation Noofy.
How... random.
You guys, Noofy has lost it.
He loved The Masked Singer. And he goddamn loves Lindsay Lohan. He thinks her look is ethereal and her shoes and headpiece perfectly complement her dress.
Sir... if you knew what you were talking about when it came to fashion, could you have spoken up before now.
Noofy is still losing it.
'IT'S LINDSAY'S SISTER,' he yells. 'THE ONE WHO USED TO DATE CODY SIMPSON.'
So true, Noofy. This is interesting.
He likes her dress because it will protect her from the bees.
Again, a high level of bee protection.
And also no fascinator - not even a headband!
Note: Actual fake bees in the background.
You look like a flower which is dangerous given the current bee situation.
You may or may not be pollinated.
Again - risky, but I'll allow it.
More to come.
