A style guide for Ivanka, Melania, Kate, and every other woman in the public eye.

Melania and Ivanka Trump may not actually be publicly elected officials themselves, but we’re still perfectly within our rights to hold them, and more importantly their outfit choices, to account.

After all, what is a woman but a well-fitting gown and a matching clutch? Is she her interests? Her career? Her hobbies? Her political views? Her family? Her friendships? Her hopes and dreams?

Pfft, no. No, she is not.

She is her Michael Kors twin set and her "bra strap showing" Roland Mouret cocktail gown. She is her husband's money. She is a piece of property for the public and owned by the public.

She must be dressed according to the event, at which she will sit on the sidelines silently and diligently, but not show that she actually comes from money. She can't dress too cheap in a bid to show that, deep down, she's just like us because we all know she has money. But she can't dress too high-end either in fear that a designer may come out and cry innocence to the public, saying they did not approve or endorse their clothes being bought and worn by this particular human being.

She must emulate Kate Middleton without being Kate Middleton. She must learn to mix high-street items alongside couture pieces, but be prepared to be labelled a try-hard and called disingenuous. Taking notes from the Duchess's little black book of blow wave secrets doesn't exactly hurt, either.

She must be herself without actually being anything like herself, lest that image not be what the public was hoping for.

She must not be complex or contradictory in any way. She must be black or white, without ever wearing black and white together.

Listen: Does the mocking of Melania Trump need to end? Post continues... 

And perhaps most importantly, she must never, ever take matters into her own hands and design a fashion line of her own. Because despite having a strong business acumen and being highly engaged with the fashion industry for almost two decades, fashion is not something she knows about. If she tries, she may fail, and giving something a go is, as we all know, the greatest female failure of them all.

But the most important thing she must remember when looking in the mirror and assessing if the fabric adorning her body is up to the mark, is that she brought all of this on herself. She married a man who is famous. She was born to a man who is famous. She didn't stop a famous man from running for President or stand up to his unpopular policies. And because of that, her clothes and appearance are open for debate.

She must know that all of this is simply par for the course.

She must be a good sport.

She must grin and bear it.

She must know that while her political views and decisions will, fairly and rightly so, be criticised, they will rarely be considered as problematic or covered as widely as her outfits.

And what a goddamn shame that is.

For more satirical pieces by Katy Hall:

• Kate Middleton walks into the royal jewel room and serves it to Meghan Markle.
• Lady Gaga dared to have a stomach at the Super Bowl.