A leaked conversation between Meghan and Harry about what's going down on Christmas Day.

Uh oh.

A very private conversation between the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge has been leaked to the press and it appears the culprit was Candy, one of the Queen’s (deceitful) dorgis.

Now, SHHH UP THE BACK. Here's exactly how the conversation unfolded.

Ahem.

Harry: So there's something I haven't told you about Christmas with my family...

Meghan: Oh FFS don't tell me there's more.

Harry: It's my grandmother. She wants us all to play... charades. It's a real hoot.

Meghan: What is she, 12?

Harry: Meghan, pls. You know she's 92 and a half.

Meghan: Ugh fine. I'm actually pretty good at charades. I used to have a job as an actre...

Harry: Oh, honey no. Granny needs to win.

Meghan: .....

Harry: No. Like she'll cry and then she'll get really drunk and start yelling. This is her night. Let it be about her for once...

Meghan: LET IT BE ABOUT HER FOR ONCE? Her face is literally all over my money. We have to sing about her in the national anthem. I bought stamps the other day and THERE SHE WAS. And I'm not even allowed to win f*cking charades?

Harry: You're being petty.

Meghan: Well you and your family are ruining Christmas which is meant to be about a) presents and b) eating so much shit you feel sick and then have to nap. First it was the 'silly' presents. Well guess what, Harry? I don't want a silly present. I want a Pandora bracelet. Or a Mimco bag. I need a new wallet and I've had my eye on this fancy Gucci perfume and I DON'T WANT A HAT THAT SAYS 'Bitchez ain't shit' ON IT. NO ONE IN YOUR FAMILY IS EVEN THAT FUNNY THERE I SAID IT.

Harry: I bought Nanny a gold chain this year that says 'Yas Qween' on it this year. Is that funny?

Meghan: Like, not really.

Harry: How about a whoopie cushion? But with some water in it so that it sounds... wet?

Meghan: That's appalling.

Harry: OK well you can't go wrong with a BBQ apron that has a naked body printed on it so you look naked always. That's hilarious.

Meghan: I actually can't... And while we're on the subject of Christmas, can we not do the Christmas Eve thing? Where you all sit around drinking tea and pretending like it's fun?

Harry: Don't bring tea into this Meg...

Meghan: IT TASTES LIKE DIRT WATER AND IT'S NOT A FESTIVE BEVERAGE.

Harry: It is festive. And there are scones and sandwiches don't forget. And sometimes we have bonbons which are very fun and exciting.

Meghan: Is there... cream?

Harry: Nah. Grandma hates cream.

It was at this point the dorgi got distracted by a fly and left the bedroom of Meghan and Harry.

Will Meghan buy a toilet putt-putt set for Prince Phillip?

Will Harry buy the Queen a penis straw or an adult baby costume, nappy included?

Only time will tell.

But that dorgi is in a lot of trouble.