'A year on from Matthew Perry's death, being a Friends fan is complicated.'

When a death hits you hard, you often remember exactly where you were when you heard about it.

This is the case even for people you've never met. In fact, there are a handful of celebrity death announcements that I can still be transported to with one moment's thought.

For instance, Steve Irwin, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Winehouse are three celebrity deaths that I can still recall exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard the news.

And a year ago on October 28 in Los Angeles, I was at my local shopping centre ordering my favourite Indian food when I peered down at my phone.

'RIP Matthew Perry, dead at 54 years old.'

Like countless people around the world, I was stunned.

I had to stand back from ordering my food, as my mind ran and disbelief struck me, but because I happen to be journalist who writes about celebrities, I didn't have time to process what I was hearing.

I had to jump online as soon as I got home and cover this devastating death.

People place flowers and notes in front of the 'Friends apartment' in New York City. Image: Getty.

These were the facts.

Perry was found unresponsive and face-down in the pool of his Los Angeles mansion. The Los Angeles County Medical Examiner's office would later confirm Perry's cause of death was due to "the acute effects of ketamine."

As someone who has long followed Perry's career, there was a feeling among his fans that was difficult to process: this actor's bright future was stolen.

Simply put, Matthew Perry was one of the greatest comedic actors of our time. Through his addiction and controversies, Perry's fans were rooting for him until the very end.

But there was another feeling that I struggled to grapple with, and I doubt I'm alone.

I didn't know how to watch Friends again.

For me, Friends is not just any old nostalgic sitcom.

I have countless shows that I enjoy. I have many shows that I love. I have a few shows that I will rewatch regularly.

And then there is a different tier for TV shows: I have a handful of shows that feel like they're part of me.

This list includes Gilmore Girls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Sex and the City.

But above all, I'm talking about Friends.

Friends premiered when I was six years old but it didn't come to Australia until I was 8. Friends instantaneously became the TV show I watched with my mum once a week all the way up to my teen years when the finale aired in 2004.

Watch Matthew Perry deliver the final line in Friends. Post continues after video.

When I say I grew up watching Friends, I mean quite literally.

Like many who came of age in this era, Friends was the show that everyone watched — this comedy about the lives of six mid-20s people living in New York City was event television.

Throughout its 10 seasons, this show reached a level of phenomenon that is unparalleled. Every single actor became a household name. If you try to find a comparable show — especially a comedy — it's basically impossible.

Since the show stopped airing, it hasn't gotten any less prolific. Finding new life and fans on streaming platforms, Friends became the ultimate comfort show that people watched over and over again, including younger generations who weren't alive when it first aired.

I remember the joyful moment Rachel watched her old prom video to find out that Ross had loved her from the very beginning.

I remember when Joey got cast in Days of Our Lives, when Phoebe met her brother, and Monica started dating Richard.

But most painfully, I have so many Chandler memories that I used to cherish.

Chandler is my favourite character, so beloved that I named my cat after him.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Tara Watson (@catladytara)

I know what you're thinking. It's just a TV show and Chandler is not the same person as Matthew Perry. This is where the problem lies: Perry is inextricably linked to Chandler in every way.

On the set of Friends, Perry was known for writing jokes for Chandler which ended up in the final episodes. For fans who watched interviews with the cast back in the '90s and the early '00s, it was hard to decipher where Perry ended and Chandler began.

Then there's the sad truth of how Perry's addiction affected his work on Friends, which is abundantly apparent when watching.

In Perry's memoir, Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing, he wrote about how his changing physical appearance in Friends could "track the trajectory" of his addiction.

"When I'm carrying weight, it's alcohol; when I'm skinny, it's pills. When I have a goatee, it's lots of pills," he wrote.

During Season 7, Perry had to be driven to set and back to a sober home. The actor went to rehab between Seasons 8 and 9, with him writing that Season 9 was the only season he was fully sober, and would earn him a Emmy nomination.

Matthew Perry's appearance changed dramatically throughout Friends. Image: NBC.

Knowing all this makes the experience of watching Friends different, with the knowledge that Perry's story would come to a tragic end.

And then there's the brutal realisation that if the Friends cast were to reunite in another 10 or 20 years, there would be one person missing from the table.

A person who, by all accounts, brought nothing but joy to the lives of his co-stars, who miss him dearly.

The complexities of Perry's life and death have muddled and the easy enjoyment I once got from sitting down, switching off my brain, and watching my favourite comfort show, Friends, is gone.

It's a feeling that a lot of One Direction fans will sympathise with following the death of member Liam Payne earlier this month.

For teen girls who grew up worshipping the boy band, the loss hits harder. For me, Friends is literally tied to my childhood.

I know that one day, I'll feel the pull to switch on Friends and be comforted by the presence of Chandler, but just a year on from Matthew Perry's death, that day is not today.

Feature image: NBC.