The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 12: The sentence that broke Australia.

February 13, 2019

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HUSH NOW.

It’s the second dinner party and Martha has so many questions about Elizabeth and Sam that she’s written them all down and same.

But there’s immediately two problems.

A) Elizabeth is a Missing Person

B) No one… cares

Apparently once they went to bed, Elizabeth tried to make moves on Sam and he, we quote, “hated every second of it.” When he woke up this morning, she was gone, and instead of showing any interest in her whereabouts, he keeps inexplicably dropping in that he doesn’t feel that well today.

DUDE.

Where is your wife?

As a side note, we really like that Ning and Mark’s entire relationship was broken by one PT session and there doesn’t seem to be any feasible way to fix it. So true.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

February 13, 2019

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The Spill

As the first couples arrive at the dinner party, Jules and Cam start gossiping about the time they went over to Lauren and Ex-Virgin Matt's place and Ex-Virgin Matt started yelling questions like, "WHAT IS LESBIAN," and "WHY ARE SWINGING," and "HOW ARE THREESOME," and they had to sedate him.

They are worried for Ex-Virgin Matt who has suddenly found himself on a very rude show with adult sexual themes and coarse language.

The experts, who are watching a live broadcast of the dinner party from their sleepover at Trish's house, become very cranky at Lauren.

It's clear to John Aiken that when she filled out her form, she did not print her full name which is clearly: Ex-Lesbian Lauren.

mel-expert — 'We needed that in the promos FFS.'

Pause.

It's time for Cyrell to verbally and emotionally abuse Nic for not filling up her glass that may have not been quite empty yet. Nic reminds her that she promised not to start a fight for no reason but Cyrell DOESN'T REMEMBER THAT NOW so continues with her thoughts.

Eventually she gets thirsty and discovers she is capable of filling up her own glass and laughs at Nic for being such an idiot about it.

As everyone sits down, Ines doesn't want to say anything, but the man she was intending to start an affair with tonight isn't here yet and it's really rude to be late to your own affair.

That is until he walks in. Alone. And says, "This might come as a shock to you..." and we swear to God if there's another funeral we gonna lose it.

But it turns out that Sam has the f*cking chicken pox.

sam-chickenpox — It's... statistically impossible.

No.

NO.

HOW and WHEN and mostly WHY do you have chicken pox? You are a GROWN MAN.

WHO THE F*CK GETS CHICKEN POX.

We all want chicken pox sometimes. We'd all like to have time off work for being itchy. But no one gets chicken pox as an adult while on reality television for a few weeks. That simply is not a thing that happens.

We think he's lying as an elaborate attempt to not let Elizabeth touch him anymore but then we see the bumps. On his face.

Listen to The Twins recap this week of Married at First Sight on MAFS Chat. Post continues after audio...

That's when we speculate that it is actually not chicken pox but syphilis, which he contracted at the fake funeral held in Ibiza with the boiz.

FURTHERMORE, does Elizabeth have chicken pox?? Is that where she is? HAVE YOU ASKED? SIR?

YOU'RE HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS YOU NEED TO GO HOME IMMEDIATELY.

But Ines doesn't believe in chicken pox.

Sam and Ines speak in code words and the experts hate it because they feel left out. They decide to meet in the room next door, specifically reserved for cheatin' scandals.

chicken-pox-sam — 'Doctor didn't say nothin' about cheating.'

Ines touches Sam's chicken pox and honestly this is WHY humans are always sick.

They bond over their shared interest of being evil etc. and honestly we're getting itchy just watching them.

Eventually they return to the dinner table, but there's another scandal underway and no we do not like it at all.

Ex-Virgin Matt is talking to da boiz about how he has no urge to rip off Lauren's clothes and throw her on the bed and midway through talking about it he realises, verbally, "I'm not actually attracted to Loz".

Oh, honey no.

This isn't the sort of conversation we have at dinner while Loz can... hear it. Because she's right there. Listening.

But Ex-Virgin Matt doesn't know because mostly he only reads wizard books.

matt-virgin — 'I am saying my thoughts as I think them.'

He tells da boiz that there's "nothing there" and it's all been "feeling off" and...

Pause.

Is Elizabeth alive?

OK, continue.

Lauren starts crying because her husband keeps saying he's not attracted to her, publicly, and Cyrell shouts "I THOUGHT HE SAID HE COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU," and so did we, Cyrell. So did we.

She decides to confront her husband, hoping she misheard him announce to all their friends that he isn't attracted to her. Ex-Virgin Matt, however, confirms that is indeed what happened and he very much meant it.

Sweetie.

Sometimes we have to have conversations in private before we tell all our (new) friends.

Ex-Lesbian Lauren says, understandably, that she feels like she was used on the television for Ex-Virgin Matt to lose his virginity and, look, Lauren, everyone's being used here. So it's okay.

Ex-Virgin Matt actually looks like he's about to throw up and then die, and we always knew this show would break him.

We just didn't think it would be so... soon.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

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