Seven maternity leave truth bombs.

The last day of work before maternity leave will be the second last date you put in your calendar before ‘go-time.’ When closer to ‘go-time’ – i.e. the due date that you’ve been eagerly anticipating for the last nine months – your OB will emphasise that this due date really is only a ‘guestimate’, and you could ‘go’ any time before or after (sometimes two weeks – eeep!). So ‘maternity leave’ is effectively ‘limbo land’.

I’m now one week into my maternity leave/limbo land, and have found the weekdays to be interesting, precisely because they’re not. At all. Here’s what else I’ve found… (I like to use ‘Truth Bombs” for dramatic effect).

1. On the first day you’ll feel like a lost little puppy.
If you’re like me, you may have spent the majority of your adult life working full-time. Day 1 of maternity leave will see you wake up to no alarm, wave your husband off to work, shower, gear up for a day on the couch to watch A Country Practice, Ricki Lake, Oprah, only to realise it’s not the 80s/90s, and none of these shows exist anymore (not even repeats). You will be devastated. Push through.

2. Your dog will look at you like you’re a loser.
My mini-foxie’s eyes say it all: “Isn’t there somewhere you should be?”, “Um, so you don’t look THAT sick to me…” and “I entertain you the whole weekend and before and after work – this is MY time, go and do something or get a hobby.”

3. Every little pang you feel you will conclude is definitely labour.
Monitoring your body is what will occupy 99 per cent of your energy. I’ve declared myself in labour many times – all pangs were actually me needing to go to the bathroom, or sitting a stupid way.

4. You will fear/love going to the shops.
‘Fear’ because you’ll be convinced your waters will break in the ice-cream aisle and they’ll have to put a hazard sign and tape around you: “Attention  - membrane break, aisle 11…” ‘Love’ because it gets you out of the house. In particular you’ll find yourself making trips to “top up” items that don’t need immediate replacing, but might in four-and-a-half-years’ time. “Oh my, we only have 45 bottles of dishwashing liquid, I better pop out and get some more…”

5. You will waste an embarrassing amount of time on Facebook…
...looking up people on your ‘friends’ list and catching up with what they’ve been up to over the last six years.

6. You will notice things around your house that need ‘immediate’ fixing.
That minor crack in the wall that your husband will subsequently tell you has been there since day 1, will, according to you, need to be addressed straight away. Chiefly because you are bored and need a project. It’s unlikely you’ll be able do this project though, because you will soon birth a small hippopotamus.
7. You will find yourself in a really odd, but beautiful moment in time.
Your main job is to be at home, build up some ‘sleep credit’ (ha!), and be calm, whilst awaiting a very physical event to start an 18-year full-time commitment (at the very, very least).

I can’t think of any other moments in life when you’re actively waiting for your body to do something spontaneously to propel you into the ‘next stage’. The closest thing I can think of – getting your period or boobs – isn’t usually something you stay at home waiting for. Nor do you sit at home waiting to get arthritis. Enjoy this moment. It is unique, it is special, it is the calm before the beautiful, intense, unpredictable storm – parenting.

Rebecca Granfield claims to have been pregnant for the last 14 months. She and her husband write a blog about family life called www.thegranfields.com In her spare time she carefully plans worst-case scenarios and outcomes; takes photos of unplugged irons so she can leave the house, and tries to learn everything she should have by now given she’s an adult.

Have you ever been on maternity leave? What did you look forward to then?