I have never lied about my reluctance to play board games or to sit on the floor for hours on end putting red circles on red poles and yellow triangles on yellow poles. I have never found the thrill of pushing my kids on the swing at the park and I really did not get into the whole mother and baby singing thing. But I know this does not make me any less of a mother (does it? DOES IT?? Still guilty that it does….).
We have discussed our crap and smug moments many times on Mamamia and I mentioned it my book when I theorised that all parents have a list of things that they feel smug and crap about. So it was with great interest (and some degree of smugness) that I read this article in Newsweek written by their Deputy Editor, the brilliant Australian author, journalist and mother of two, Julia Baird who notes that the biggest obstacle to happiness for many mothers are our own unrealistic expectations of what a good mother is.
See that bar? We need to lower it before we drive ourselves insane.
Julia writes….
Are we having fun yet?
“Guilt, judgment, and a distrust of female ambition are a hallmark of modern parenting, along with the literature about female fretting, which, over the past few years, has turned into a symphony of self-loathing.
We spend more time with our children than women did in the 1950s, yet we consistently report higher levels of stress. Perplexingly, study after study has found that mothers are less happy than women without kids. And books about bad or uptight mothers are more anxious and defensive than defiant and liberating. Instead of giving the parenting police the bird on matters like food, sleep, work, and schools—or having a life—we write apologias. Haven’t millions of years of evolution already determined that the vast bulk of mothers would sever their heads with an axe to protect their offspring? Enough. If you love your kids and are doing your best, if they are alive, safe, and sane, then your mind should simply be at ease.
Oddly, the more involved we are, the more guilty we have become. French philosopher Elizabeth Badinter’s bestselling book Le Conflit, la Femme et la Mère (The Conflict, the Woman and the Mother) has excited Europeans with her insistence that women should not let mothering make them miserable. She believes we are no longer oppressed by men; we are oppressed by our children. Badinter argues the insecurity of the modern workforce, and the prevalence of earth mothers who condemn disposable diapers, premade food, and cans of formula, have turned babies into tyrants: “We have passed from the troublesome child to the child-king.” I don’t agree with everything she says—and certainly the children are not to blame—but I love her boldness. Her insistence that women should be women first and mothers second is refreshing: unapologetic and confident.
Do you feel the pressure of motherhood? How much of your life do you lead wracked with guilt? Or are you able to get out of that cycle and live your life knowing that the children will be okay?
And if you are not a mother – how would you say your mother handled this “mother’s guilt”?
Feel free to share your crap and smug lists if you want…..always cathartic.
