'I do think I would just choose poor, hot Chris Evans.'

This article contains no spoilers for Materialists. But it does contain a prophecy.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when push comes to shove, I will choose to date a loser. A man with no plan? Count me in. One who barely seems to tolerate me at the time, but then follows me around like a bad smell once I've inevitably broken up with them? Well, of course. 

And if I were ever blessed with the option of a handsome, charismatic, flower-wielding billionaire, I would likely run in the other direction. But a downtrodden cutie engaged in general tomfoolery? Catch me, because I'm swooning head-first. 

Such is the dilemma Miss Dakota Johnson will find herself in when Materialists hits our screens. Starring as Lucy, an eternally unlucky-in-love matchmaker, she finds herself torn between the promise of new love (with billionaire mystery man, Pedro Pascal) and the possibility of rekindling old flames (with a poor ex-boyfriend who works as a waiter but dreams of becoming an actor, Chris Evans).

I must be clear: I have not seen Materialists. This is a spoiler-free opinion, to be held with conviction, because I need no context to know which choice I would make in Dakota Johnson's beautiful Gucci shoes. But I'll check back in with you all once I've hit the cinema this week.

Watch the trailer for Materialists. Article continues below.

In the heavily 2000s rom-com marketing campaigns for Materialists, it becomes clear Lucy will struggle with the love triangle. Comments have been made in their thousands, declaring any sane woman would choose rich Pedro Pascal. According to the internet, you would be bonkers to return to your crappy ex when the most beautiful man is buying you flowers and offering to give you the world on a silver platter. 

But I know the real answer: it always has been and forever will be Chris Evans. Even with zero dollars.

The trailer makes it clear his character, John, will never stack up to Pedro's Harry. It's a losing battle from the start and money is smack-bang in the middle of this debate. Writer and director Celine Song has delivered us an Austen-esque rom-com about the realities of riches in the dating market, posing the age-old question: should you marry for love or marry for money? It seems like a concept we've moved beyond as a society — where women are supposedly less beholden to the financial success of their husbands. But they're not, not really. And Materialists promises to tackle the topic head-on with brutal honesty as Lucy makes it clear a rich husband is the ideal one.

Who would you choose? No one knows. But I do. Image:

Though it's been marketed and widely talked about as the next great rom-com, the film has more accurately been compared to the recent flick The Worst Person in the World. It's a romantic drama with a heavy focus on the harsh reality of dating in a modern world, which will likely leave us all sobbing in the cinema. Especially since it's been declared Evans delivers a career-best performance (and one hell of a romantic monologue), despite there being a 99% chance she will not choose him. If you believe the gals about town (the internet), she's going to pick Pedro.

And while I'll poke fun at my own romantic tastes, the kicker here seems to be that Poor Chris Evans is not actually a loser. He's a sweetie pie with big dreams of making up for his former failings to the love of his life, Lucy.

He's hot, he's artsy, he brings her treats, he wants to see her grow old and gain wrinkles, did I mention he was hot? And, per the trailers, he's got the personality of a kind, sensitive pixie dream boy wrapped in the package of Captain America with a slutty little waistcoat. He's giving us 90s rom-com realness. Add to this that Chris Evans himself is the most charming man in the world, and I know I would fall hook, line, and sinker for this schtick. Pedro be damned.

I have visions of Materialists going full Challengers and simply delving into a delightful threesome but… I don't think that's going to happen.

When Lucy likely makes the decision to be with Harry, leaving John and his three-button waiters vest in the dust, I will certainly have a visceral reaction.

Catch me on the bus home alone, blasting All Too Well (10 Minute Version) by Taylor Swift and wistfully contemplating what could have been if this happened to me.

Materialists is in cinemas June 12.