When your therapist believes your husband, a narcissist, and not you.

I am writing this filled with so much anger, after speaking with too many beautiful clients over the past months, who shared their personal and very similar story.

Please trust that you are NOT CRAZY.  It’s simply your therapist has believed the narcissist and not you. Narcissists are experts in making us feel we truly are not seeing things clearly, due to their manipulative behaviour, and persuading as many people within our lives to believe their array of lies.

The narcissists remain calm and collected, while telling us repeatedly ‘You are crazy, just look at yourself.’ When I reflect on my divorce, I can see my behaviour was at times completely out of character, due to the irrational and cruel behaviour of my husband at the time.

You know the feeling when you reach the lowest point in your relationship with a narcissist, and you begin to truly question if you are losing your mind, as you feel you are descending into madness?  This was how I felt, while fulfilling my demanding corporate job in the financial markets, yet at night I couldn’t see any relief ahead from the craziness my husband, the narcissist, had created.  You reach a point when you know you must seek the guidance of a professional, to understand what is going on, and reach out to a therapist for help. Sadly, help can be the last thing you receive.

Instead, the therapist listens to your story and what I am hearing as a common thread is the following:

1. Your therapist has completely overlooked the fact that your partner is a narcissist, yet their behaviour is absolutely ‘text-book narcissist.’ Many reach out to me, a common sentence is ‘You get it, how come my therapist didn’t?’
2. Your therapist begins to question if YOU are a narcissist.
3. During couple’s therapy, the therapist believes the Narcissist’s side of the story, and sides with the narcissist.  This creates a bigger problem, as you now have two people against you, instead of one.
4. You have been in therapy for quite a while, yet you don’t seem to be moving forward with your problems and your symptoms are getting worse and you are beginning to feel you are descending into a dark place.

All of the above instances are NOT OK.  I have seen this happen first-hand with my daughter in her battle with her eating disorder, when the first therapist she was seeing actually made her feel worse and exacerbated her eating disorder.

I’m not anti-therapists at all, quite the opposite.  However, what I am is anti-BAD THERAPISTS.  I don’t care if you are seeing a counsellor, psychologist, psychotherapist, psychiatrist or life coach. What I care about is if you are moving forward and understanding your issues more clearly, and why you have arrived at this point in your life.

If you are not getting clearer, feeling better – FIND A NEW THERAPIST.  Why would you continue to spend money for help and not receive it?

I feel the area of mental health has and is shrouded with shame and secrecy, which allows bad service to perpetuate. If you visited a GP and didn’t receive help and a diagnosis, you would not return to that particular doctor.  However, the area of mental health is associated with so much stigma that many of us by the time we arrive at getting help, look to the person to help us as an ‘Expert’ which they should be.

But just like another specialist such as a surgeon, or an oncologist, if you were visiting one of these doctors for a diagnosis and a treatment plan, if you weren’t happy with their service, or their diagnosis, many would definitely seek out a new specialist.

When looking for a therapist, ask your trusted doctor, ask friends, ask professionals for therapists they would highly recommend.  If you have a therapist you trust, who has helped you in the past, make sure you recommend their services, as you may save somebody’s life.  I shout to the rooftop recommending my therapist who changed my life.  He was instrumental in enabling me to understand clearly how and why I married a narcissist.  He transformed my life and that is what therapy is meant to do.  Great therapy creates magical outcomes as it has with my life.

Don’t waste another minute visiting your therapist if you feel you are not moving forward, or getting true help.  Sack them and find a new one, one who understands you and your needs.

My strong advice, is to get as far away from the narcissist as you can, and watch magically as your crazy behaviour disappears just like the narcissist has.