'I just applied to be on the next season of Married at First Sight.'

Hello,

My name is Keryn.

I have a small dog named Vinnie and I like to watch reality TV with said small dog. We also eat chips.

At 34 years of age I’ve realised this is a terrible strategy for finding a husband.

So I’ve decided to do the only logical thing – I’ve applied to appear on a reality TV show where they’ll give me a husband and a whole bunch of dinners… for free.

All I have to do is fill out this simple and straightforward application which won’t be at all pervy, invasive or emotionally scarring for life.

Telv and Sarah are fighting and we can’t handle it. Post continues.

So here we go…

After finding out my age, height and weight (I’m 26 years old and I weigh as much as one of those fish John West rejected) they start off with a simple and not at all triggering question.

Tell us about your upbringing and relationship with your parents. 

My upbringing was fine and my relationship with my parents is completely normal.

ONE TIME MY CAT DIED AND THEY PUT IT IN THE GARBAGE BIN.

Then they took it out before I woke up and pretended the whole thing never happened.

They then held onto that secret for almost 15 years only blurting it out while drunk at Christmas lunch by saying, “It wasn’t our fault he was the first pet that died and this was before Google”.

Carmel and Garry pls… you can’t Google that.

Like I said, my relationship with my parents is fine. Fine.

What did your parents teach you about love? 

They taught me that you’re probably going to end up hating the person you love but if you have a couple of good recliners and a Netflix subscription, you might not even notice.

What will be your parent’s reaction to you being on MAFS? Will they be supportive or against the idea?

My parents really want to be on Gogglebox so they’ll be peeved that I’m on the telly and they’re not.

Having said that they might get on Gogglebox if I’m on MAFS and the Gogglebox people watch that episode and judge us.

Holy shit, they’ll love this.

Who do you live with? 

One small Jack Russell named Vincent Maree. He’s a big fan of the show and would like Telv’s phone number please (this is definitely not for me).

How would your friends describe you?

“Awkward.”

“She’s not all bad.”

“One time she ate a falafel and cried because she thought it was going to be a kofta and she was disappointed.”

“She seems to have a lot of kimonos and not a lot of sense.”

“Who?”

What would your family say are your best and worst attributes? 

“She’s got some great kimonos.”

“One time she threw a glass across the backyard because she wanted to see what it would feel like. Then she told us accidentally dropped it. We didn’t believe her.”

“She doesn’t seem to like people… but she does like chips.”

What are you passionate about, tell us about your hobbies and life interests. 

I like chips. Most of the time it’s cheese and onion, sometimes it’s light ‘n’ tangy. I like them because they’re light and tangy, just like the packet says.

Sometimes I like to make up dance routines to the latest hits like ‘Tubthumping’ and ‘Genie in a Bottle’ and Vinnie judges me.

Oh and I like all types of extreme sports and fun adventures – hiking, abseiling, paddle boarding, windsurfing,  jumping out of a goddamn plane (all of this may not be true).

List three things about yourself that are interesting or unexpected. 

Sometimes late at night I put on a shadow puppet show for myself. Again, Vinnie judges me.

I fall over more than the average human.

That… that is all.

What is your greatest regret/biggest mistake in life?

Not applying for this season so I could be with Troy and/or be Ashley’s mum.

What do you do in your spare time? 

Chips. TV. Shadow puppets.

Talk me through your perfect Saturday night. 

My perfect Saturday night would involve wearing no bra and seeing no humans.

Vincent and I would gather together on the lounge with our snacks and we would peruse the offerings on Netflix for approximately 475489 minutes before choosing a movie about a girl who once slept with a man and then got obsessed with him.

I would take notes.

Are you someone who embraces change or do you prefer security within your comfort zones. 

Please see all above answers.

Do you have any children? 

Yes. One small dog.

What is one major thing about yourself that you’ve never told anyone? 

Sometimes I think my toes look like people.

Are you seeking a relationship with a man or a woman?

Telv.

What is your current relationship status?

I like to call it terminally single.

Help us understand why you are looking for love?

Vinnie and I need someone to buy the chips and also sometimes I feel a deep, deep sadness within myself.

What are some of the challenges you have faced on your search for true love? 

Leaving the couch and/or putting a bra on.

What qualities are important to you when it comes to friends and partners?

Good taste in memes and an ability to make nachos.

What qualities do you dislike in other people?

Confidence and achievements.

We need to talk about the time Troy forgot his mum’s gluten free and made her eat all the gluten.Post continues.

Would you like to get married one day?

Nah. This whole application is a gag.

If yes, what is your ideal timeframe?

Let me see… the show starts airing in February and they probably stop filming three months earlier and there’s about eight weeks of filming so… August.

I’d like to get married in August please.

Are you open to talking about love honestly?

Yes.

When was your last relationship and how long did it last for?

It was 29 years ago and it lasted for at least three months until his friend told me he didn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore.

Approximately how many girlfriends/boyfriends have you had?

26… including all those who didn’t actually know they were my boyfriend (I’m looking at you, Toadfish Rebecchi).

What other methods have you used to find love?

Mostly stalking and fantasies.

Would you describe yourself as lonely?

Sometimes in the middle of the night I wonder whether my life has any purpose as a childless, single woman. Then I eat some chips.

Tell us the most romantic gesture you have ever made?

One time I wrote my name on a boy’s lawn in Roundup Weedkiller. His mother yelled out, “You stay away from my son Keryn Donnelly and stop stealing our pumpkins also”.

Have you ever been unfaithful to a partner? If so can you tell us why.

One time with Toadfish Rebecchi and I had to move out of the cul-de-sac.

You too can fill this perfectly responsible and not at all judgey application here.

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