Married at First Sight Episode 5 recap: One twin is stoked. The other is absolutely not.

Well, well, well.

If it isn’t two blonde twins here to rain on our parade…

Tonight we open on a fairly comprehensive recap of the season, which is odd given that it literally started one week ago. But it seems the experts are concerned we’ve all forgotten that this is a show where strangers marry each other and people with significant height discrepancies are intentionally matched.

READ: Married at First Sight Episode 4 recap: Um. So a bride just… ran away.

Alas, we have not forgotten, and every single person watching this show is thinking about one thing:

Where the f*ck is Lauren?

While we were promised a 'runaway bride' in several ads, we didn't expect a full blown missing persons case. 

But soon we're shown poor groom Andy, sitting alone in his hotel room wondering where his bride is.

"The hunt for Lauren begins," says the voice over ominously, and we're sure in 2017 someone with Find my iPhone could find this woman. Unless...she doesn't want to be found. 

Listen to Clare Stephens and Kelly Glover discuss tonight's episode on The Recap podcast: It’s the show to listen to straight after you’ve watched Married at First Sight.

"She disappeared without a trace," says Andy, as he attempts to kill time by watching TV and sulking at Bondi beach. He retells the story of how she smoke bombed for the millionth time, describing how they were going to get a drink and then SHE WAS JUST GONE.

He also adds in that they were standing at a taxi rank and he's pretty certain she just jumped in a taxi, but whatever. This show is getting spooky.

Meanwhile Deb and John are in bed together, with approximately zero chemistry. It's too painful to watch. Deb says "there's a lot to work through, but that's the case in all marriages," although she is in the unique position of DEMANDING A POLYNESIAN HUSBAND.

Jesus Deb.

OH. But tonight is the final wedding, and it's a double wedding. The twins who made Cheryl cry by calling her Shrek in episode one are back, and the experts are super excited.

John Aiken talks about Michelle and Sharon as though they're his new fun science experiment (which they are), and tells his expert friends "these two are amazing. Both single, both looking for love at the same stage of their lives."

Despite the fact that the experts continue to insist the twins are "so different," we know these matches are going to be the most arbitrary of them all. But it's also clever, because without a doubt one twin will like her husband and the other won't, and the other twin might actually like her sister's husband, and that's the best reality TV plot we've ever heard.

The experts consider Michelle first. Speaking to the cameras she says, "Obviously I've made some not-great decisions because I'm 31 years old and single," which is frankly an absurd thing to say.

As usual, without any deliberation or debate, the experts decide on a guy called Jesse who just "keeps coming up" when they think about Michelle.

Let's just pause for a second.

There were 20 singles, and 10 couples to be matched. Eight couples have been matched. They're down to the last two. There is no choice. 

So Jesse is from Adelaide, which couldn't be more perfect because Michelle is from close-by Perth.

EXPERT MATCH NINE: Michelle and Jesse. 

Pros:

• Both single.
• Both like... going out and picking up at bars.

Cons:

• Live in completely different parts of Australia.
• Appear to have no common interests.

Now that the experts have dubiously matched Michelle, it's time to match Sharon with literally the last single man left.

Just one year ago, Sharon was engaged and it ended badly. She found out he was dating her good friend. These people don't need reality TV - they need actual therapy. That's f**ked. 

John Aiken asks her about it, and the encounter becomes very awkward because he refuses to speak until she cries.

They've paired Sharon with self-confessed "bogan" Nick. Both have been heartbroken in the past, and the experts think that's enough to sustain a lifelong partnership.

Cool.

EXPERT MATCH TEN: Sharon and Nick. 

Pros:

• Both have been cheated on and can bond over that for the rest of eternity.
• Man is taller than woman which appears to be of utmost importance to 99 per cent of population.

Cons:

• Michelle might also fall in love with Nick which could become awkward.
• Appear to have no common interests.
• It's best never to get our hopes up because this rarely, if ever, works out.

It's now time for the couples to break the news to their families, and we literally refuse to cover this part of the narrative because it's repetitiveness is nothing short of excruciating.

Next, Michelle and Sharon go wedding dress shopping and, like, totally accidentally, fall in love with exactly the same dress. 

OMG AREN'T TWINS JUST SUCH A NOVELTY!?

Meanwhile, Jesse is busy throwin' around every cliche in the book. "I want to be a man, not a boy, not a bachelor...." he says.

"I want to hang up the bachelor boots..." he adds, with a world-weary look in his eye. Eugh that doesn't even make sense, Jesse.

After what seems like eternity, the wedding day has FINALLY arrived.

Michelle is freaking out about her makeup, because she says it doesn't look as good as Sharon's. This is... this is life as a twin.

Somehow they continue to look increasingly more identical as the show goes on, and it's making the plot incredibly difficult to follow.

At the ceremony, it's clear that the circumstances of the wedding have been explained to literally two people.

Jesse arrives at the altar first, nervous AF, sweating etc. And as he waits for his bride, in what could be a life-defining moment, bloody Nick walks down the altar.

You can actually see the moment it dawns on him that he may not have specified at any point in time that he is, in fact, heterosexual.

It's not that he doesn't like Nick. They met at that bachelor night a week ago. It's just that he generally likes women. But if the experts say so...

With only seconds to spare before Nick and Jesse shrug their shoulders and vow to marry each other, Michelle and Sharon walk down the aisle.

From the moment they're 'allocated' their grooms, Sharon is ecstatic. Nick is everything she dreamed of. She loves that he's tall and has beautiful blue eyes.

And Michelle wants Sharon's dude. Please. Can't they just... swap? Or... share?

You see, Jesse is too short, because of course he is. 

Expert Mel explains that sharing a wedding with your sister while you marry a stranger is "likely to uncover a whole range of emotions. From insecurity to self doubt to jealousy."

John Aiken is proud of his colleague for thinking like a true reality TV psychologist.

But just as we're getting into this awkward AF wedding, we need to STOP EVERYTHING. Because the search for Lauren has resumed. 

All of a sudden we're back in Sydney, where Andy is "captive," except not at all. We're sure he's free to go whenever he accepts that his fake wife has bailed on him.

He's been calling Lauren but she hasn't been answering, which raises the question: how did he get her phone number? Did he ask her for it on their wedding night?

It actually gets kinda sad as Andy says he's just "wondering what it was about me that made her take off so quick." Awww mate, this isn't your fault. This is a matter for the police. A human being has disappeared and no one can find her.

WHO PLAYS GUITAR WHEN THEIR WIFE IS MISSING.

Back at Michelle and Sharon's wedding, Michelle can't get over the fact she has no chemistry with Jesse. When it's time for wedding photos, she's no where to be found and we can't deal with another missing bride right now. It's too much.

Luckily she turns up and the contrast between the twin's wedding photos gives us great joy.

It's evident that against all odds, Sharon and Nick have truly found love in this hopeless place.

It starts to dawn on Michelle that this could be really, really bad.  "It would be a nightmare if Sharon's relationship worked out and mine didn't," she says, and we're glad she takes her sister's happiness so seriously.

After much awkwardness and a detailed discussion between Jesse and Sharon about how to pour gravy (kill us) Michelle decides she needs to talk to her sister.

We understand.

She needs her sister to look at her and promise her that this man isn't an actual toad. Because she doesn't know. She also would ideally like Sharon to point out something bad about Nick, for solidarity, but we all know this isn't going to happen.

They go to the bathroom, and for some reason the cameras aren't allowed to follow them in. Eugh.

But straight away, Michelle asks Sharon, "can you help me?"

"What do you think?" she asks, nervously.

"I don't know," responds Sharon, which really isn't the pep talk we all need right now.

Then a producer comes and KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND TELLS THEM THEY NEED TO COME OUT NOW.

This is by far the most shocking moment of the series. Why couldn't they... they're having a moment.

Jesus.

Next, it's time for the speeches. The dad can't stop talking about how beautiful his daughters are, and that's about all he says. UNTIL he brings out two whips (??) and hands them to Sharon and Michelle. There's a lot of jokes about cracking the whip and everyone's laughing and this show would be nothing without idioms.

Fast forward one minute and the twins are out in the car park literally cracking whips.

We...don't get it.

At the end of the night, Jesse buys Michelle a necklace and she decides he isn't so bad after all.

Well, it looks like that's it for another night of Married at Fir...

WAIT.

We're back in Sydney.

Andy STILL HASN'T HEARD FROM LAUREN.

He says he "put a lot on the line for this" and now he's going to pack up and leave.

BUT BEFORE HE DOES -

THEY'VE FOUND LAUREN.

We repeat: they have found Lauren.

She is located in an apartment block which looks very much like a place where she might live.

A producer knocks on her door aggressively and says they just need to talk to her for a minute (lie) and eventually, she answers.

She looks... fine.

BUT THERE'S MORE. We're given a preview of all the drama to come in the next episode and Scarlett tells Michael (AKA Australia's Pickiest Man) that he's "the fakest person I've ever met."

We knew she'd be the unsung hero of this season. Ever since she described herself as a cha-melion.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook, here. 

Catch up on all episodes of Married At First Sight with The Recap podcast. It's the show to listen to when you can't get enough of the sanctity of TV marriage.