Married at First Sight Episode 4 recap: Um. So a bride just... ran away.

Okay. There’s no way around it – we need to begin with an apology.

We’re sorry for what we said last week about being done with weddings. We didn’t mean it. There were just a lot of weddings to watch in a row and two of the receptions were held at the same location and we felt overwhelmed.

READ: Married at First Sight Episode 3 Recap: A psychic bridesmaid just BLEW OUR MINDS.

But there’s (obviously) no such thing as too many weddings, especially fake weddings set up by experts who are maybe a little bit also considering TV ratings when they set people up with a partner they will definitely despise. There can never be too much of that, ever. 

Listen to Clare Stephens and Laura Brodnik on The Recap podcast: It’s the show to listen to straight after you’ve watched Married at First Sight.

Anywho, we open on Vanessa and Andrew who appear to have had sexy time last night judging by their faces.

While over in Simon and Alene's hotel room, Alene is still having precisely none of Simon's hair.

She's really mad about it and doesn't know how to bring up the fact that he needs to cut it like a week ago.

But none of that matters now. Because we're ready for TWO new sets of issues.

First we meet 33-year-old Lauren, who has an 11-year-old son and is worried it's going to be a deal breaker.

Bae... have you never watched a season of The Bachelor?

Dudes dig single mums.

But the producers make Lauren talk about her son and the possibility that her fake husband will have a phobia of children for 14 hours on end and eventually she cries due to exhaustion/dehydration etc.

In the reflection of her teary eyes you can see a producer doing this...

Because the experts are not at all capable of thinking outside any kind of box, they decide that the only suitable match for Lauren is a school teacher. While he doesn't say it out loud, you can hear John Aiken thinking, "School teachers tend to have spent time with children in the past. In a school, while teaching them. This means when they see a child they're likely to recognise what it is, and not confuse it for a strange bird or small mammal."

Introducing match number 17 thousand.

EXPERT MATCH SEVEN: Lauren and Andrew.

Pros:

• Lauren is hot.
• Andrew worked as a teacher and thus automatically loves all children including Lauren's 11-year-old, Dylan.
• Both are the kind of people who sign up for a show where you marry a stranger at the altar.

Cons:

• You can't use science to match people.
• Lauren mentioned at some point that she wants someone taller than her, so we just know the experts have trolled her and Andrew is probably four foot.

Yes, very well.

Next, we're introduced to Debbie, who speaks as though she's perpetually unsure about who/where she is, and John, who cries every time he talks about his daughters, while assuring us he NEVER CRIES.

Debbie has been writing a children's book for 16 years and this brings us great joy.

EXPERT MATCH EIGHT: John and Deborah.

Pros:

• They are the same age, because apparently once you hit a certain age, you can only date people that are also your age.
• They appear to both be single.
• Debbie likes men and John likes women, and that works.

Cons:

• DEBBIE WANTS A F*CKING POLYNESIAN AND IT'S A REALLY UNUSUAL REQUEST.
• John is a smoker and the experts say that's "a deal breaker for a lot of women." They don't ask Debbie if this is a deal breaker. It most definitely is.
• Everything.

YOU CAN'T JUST MATCH TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY HAPPEN TO BE OVER 50.

THAT ISN'T A THING.

Whatever.

Point is, by episode four, there's one aspect of this show that's really lost it's novelty: Having the couples tell their friends and families they're getting fake married.

We know that they already know. They know that we know that they already know. Because there are cameras. And lights set up. And they're never surprised. They're not professional actors so they're just awkward when they're required to respond to news they've been aware of for months.

In the interests of ensuring the show doesn't go for almost two hours every night this is probably part of the narrative they could skip.

But alas, they don't, and when Debbie tells her family, everyone cries. We're wondering if she a little bit left out the part where this isn't actually a real wedding, and the success rate is pitifully small, but her family seem to be taking this way too seriously.

Lauren tells her 11-year-old son and he thinks the whole thing is really weird, mostly because it is.

John approaches his dinner table to announce to his daughters and ex wife that he is getting remarried. He says, "ready for dinner?" which is frankly a ridiculous thing to say given that they are sitting at an empty dinner table.

BUT NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE WEDDINGS. FINALLY.

As Debbie gets ready, it becomes obvious that this match is far more problematic than we anticipated. "I'd love someone that's different, exotic, has an interesting culture, maybe has some Islander in them..." she says, and something feels oddly racist about this whole conversation.

Of course, John couldn't be any less Islander. And it's not his fault. 

As Lauren's wedding approaches, she becomes suitably anxious. "I don't know this guy, what if he's a murderer or something crazy?" she says. This...this is an extremely valid concern. Mostly because we think that if, say, Ivan Milat applied for Married at First Sight, the producers most definitely wouldn't say no.

"Normal people don't do this," says Lauren, and in a sentence, she's exemplified what it is we truly love about this show.

Lauren becomes a bridezilla as she's getting ready for her wedding, but really she's just all of us before a night out. The following are actual words she says:

"This is so sh*t."

"I'm bloated, I look fat, I look really curvy."

"My stomach looks really swollen."

"That's alright, I'll just be uncomfortable for the next 8 hours."

She yells at a bridesmaid for something to do with hair. It's brilliant.

But fortunately (or unfortunately?) she gets herself together before the actual ceremony.

As she walks down the aisle, she notices Andy is shorter than her, because this is something the experts do, intentionally.

Andy can't stop smiling. He is very happy, mostly because the bride he ordered is a 10/10. They awkwardly say 'hi' before committing to each other for life and then kissing in front of all their friends and family.

Over at Debbie and John's wedding, Debbie's...lost it.

She's carried along the beach by ISLANDER MEN who are playing the ukulele. Something feels so uncomfortably... colonial about this whole thing.

As she gets off their shoulders she literally looks at John and says "Um... but why are you white?"

"I was expecting a Polynesian from the islands," she mourns. Ah yes, a Polynesian from the islands (just any island?) as opposed to a Polynesian from f*cking Kazakhstan.

ALL POLYNESIANS ARE FROM THE ISLANDS, DEBBIE. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT.

"I didn't know if it was my husband" she says, terrified.

They say their vows, and it turns out Debbie thinks a) She's in Polynesia (which isn't like... a specific place) and b) in the 1950s. She promises to submit to John and this wedding is just so problematic.

But the Polynesian-themed wedding that involves precisely ZERO Polynesians just keeps getting better. Highlights include when Deb introduces John as 'Robert' (I'm sorry but white-man names are so painfully similar), and when John politely pulls out Deb's chair but she's not ready so falls over in front of the entire wedding party. She genuinely hurts herself. It's the worst moment in either of our lives.

John's daughter then starts crying, presumably because Debbie stacking it was also the worst moment of her entire life. She is inconsolable and so are we.

Oh, as a side note, if you ever wondered what it looks like when two people have absolutely no chemistry, it's this:

Debbie then makes everyone dance to Polynesian music, surrounded by Polynesian men. "Now that's culture," she says with a knowing smile. We just...we're not so sure you can just steal culture? Can you?

It's kinda mean because she makes John dance and then criticises the fact that he can't dance. But he's not Polynesian. This is new to him, Debbie.

But wait, sorry, nothing can excuse this.

OH GOD WE FORGOT THERE'S ANOTHER WEDDING GOING ON.

Lauren and Andy randomly like each other. Lauren's nervous about telling Andy about her son, but when she does, Andy's fine, because he's a school teacher, so he's seen this mythical 'children' species before.

Andrew sings a cute song for Lauren and compared to the entirely inappropriate Polynesian wedding happening simultaneously, this is the most normal wedding we've ever seen.

Well that's all well and good but...

We're confused.

We swear we were promised a runaway bride, and by our calculations this episode has to be almost over.

Were we... were we clickbaited? By Channel 9? Because we are really bloody piss...

Oh. Oh, no we were not.

Guys, Lauren isn't just a runaway bride, it legit sounds like she might be a missing person and we hope someone has contacted the police.

Last night, after the reception where there was insane sexual chemistry between them both, they decided to go out afterwards. Like clubbing. Which is a bit weird. But anyway, no judgement. So they went downstairs, and Lauren... disappeared.

Did she run away? Or was she... abducted?

Pls. I think we need to turn the cameras off and FIND LAUREN.

No one knows where she is and she isn't answering her phone. She was SURROUNDED BY CAMERA CREWS. How does one simply just go ... missing.

If there's one thing Married at First Sight has really been missing, it's a true crime element. There's been a real lack of mystery and missing persons in the last four seasons. And the producers have obviously recognised that.

As a plot line, this is fantastic. But as like... a legitimate human being going missing... it's terrifying.

We really hope they find Lauren...

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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