Married at First Sight recap: At the final dinner party, a surprise challenge changes everything.

Okay, no.

We can’t remember a time before this season of Married at First Sight.

We don’t know what we did or what we thought about. And now we are starting to feel very anxious because apparently this is the final week and you can’t just take this away from us after all this time. John Aiken, pls.

Speaking of John Aiken, he clearly didn’t get our several emails about going easy on the flashbacks that are wasting literally all of our time.

Listen to Monique Bowley and Kelly Glover on The Recap: The podcast to listen to after you’ve watched Married at First Sight. Post continues after audio.

We begin with two solid minutes of flashbacks, followed by a brief introduction to the final week, followed by “After eight weeks, the experiment is coming to an end…” with a montage of the last eight weeks.

STAB US BOTH IN ALL OF OUR EYES WE SEEN’T IT. WE SEEN’T IT.

Mel appears, clearly antsy to do some narrating, and says, “This week, the decision looms heavily for our couples,” which we’re pretty sure she has said every single week.

First up, we see Nadia brushing her hair very crankily in the mirror, as you would constantly if you lived in an apartment with Anthony.

Anthony is just staring at her getting ready, which I think we can all agree, is a) rude and b) ... annoying.

Nadia has been apprehensive about this whole 'Anthony' thing since last week, when they had to go on a date with each other, and all the other couples were preoccupied.

This inevitably meant there was a severe lack of gossip, and a rise in exposure to Anthony. Nadia is unsure about moving for Anthony, primarily because she doesn't like him.

"It's sad isn't it?" Anthony says as Nadia gets ready. "The last time to see the guys?"

He clearly thinks the way to her heart is through gossip. Which it is. But she's in a bad mood and wants him to go watch horses on his phone or some sh*t.

Nadia sustains a look on her face like the one we have when we're slightly pissed off at our mum for no reason whatsoever.

Anthony then defaults to trying to be the goddamn narrator of this television show, announcing "We move out tomorrow," and they've already employed a narrator, Anthony. You're not needed. 

He then declares he can't do much more about this whole Nadia-hating-him-debacle, despite the fact he has done precisely nothing thus far.

"Open up the shoulders," he says to no one in particular, "pin the ears back and just attack the line," and WTF IS ANYONE EVEN TALKING ABOUT ANYMORE. CAN YOU PLS JUST SPEAK ENGLISH. AT A BARE MINIMUM.

Next up, Alene and Simon are getting ready, and we realise that every time they appear on screen, dumb music plays. Like "do, do.. do do do..." as though they're... clowns. At a... circus.

Over in Michelle and Jesse's apartment, they continue to go on with this tortured door analogy Jesse invented last week. "I'm not quite sure if I've seen the door," Michelle says. "I'm not quire sure if I'm ready to walk through it..." and it's clear that she, too, has no idea what's going on.

Jesse is scared and says he has no idea what Michelle is thinking, which is ridiculous given she so clearly has no interest in him and is here for the prize money that most definitely does not exist.

He says, "I just need Mich to see it so we can through it together," and if anyone brings up this f*cking door again we are going to yell.

OH. The couples are on their way to the dinner party and Anthony continues to get more annoying.

"Look Nadia. It's our last night. Look at the sunset. Look it's absolutely spectacular out there."

No one has ever cared about anything less than Nadia about the sunset.

STOP IT IT'S THE FINAL DINNER PARTY EVERYONE SHUSH.

Nick and Sharon are the first to arrive, and Nick is already on the dranks. We very much hope he brings up tha strippaz again.

He hands Sharon her drink and says, "Cheers to... Cheers to sausage rolls," and we've never heard a toast that summarises a person more accurately.

As the couples continue to arrive, it becomes overwhelming clear that something is... missing. 

We just can't put our finger on it.

And then John Aiken tries to tell us that Anthony and Nadia are the last to arrive and it becomes clear WHERE THE F*CK IS MEL SCHILLING PLS.

Is she... sick? Is she gone forever? Did she get... bored? Is she plannin something?

WHERE BE MEL?

She is 100 per cent M.I.A. and we miss how she smiles with her eyes and adds things occasionally.

Now it's just John Aiken speaking at Trisha. Ugh.

The couples all retell their last dates to the group and Simon explains that they had beautiful rooftop drinks, and the singer from Thirsty Merc made an appearance.

Michelle yells, "RAY", and yes it was Ray. Sharon nods, because she also knows of Ray. We are not surprised that Michelle and Sharon both know the name of the lead singer from Thirsty Merc.

Trisha interrupts John Aiken's stream of consciousness to say she is concerned about the physical gap between Nadia and Anthony. Namely, that Nadia is nearly falling off the lounge in an attempt to be nowhere near him.

"We're seeing signs with them that they're in a little bit of trouble," Trisha notes, and look, she's not wrong. Nadia has begun to act as though she feels sick, but we know it's not physically.

No guys, Trisha is getting really concerned. We know because she says the word "concern" approximately six times.

Nadia actually wants to die. She goes to the bathroom and tells the camera, "I'm just so uncomfortable." Trisha and John Aiken think she's getting cold feet and we want to yell ARE YOU KIDDING. LOOK AT HER FACE. THAT'S NOT COLD FEET.

We all need to stop and appreciate that Nadia's going through something really hard right now. She's about to leave an environment that has given her more gossip than she could have possibly hoped for.

Nadia's mourning that. JUST LOOK AT HER FACE.

As a side note, please behold Nadia's face when Anthony tells her she's probably feeling off because she hasn't eaten yet.

If we could fill this entire recap with screenshots of Nadia's face, believe us, we would (we might).

OMG as soon as the actual dinner party starts, she asks for a champagne, and we know she was just pretending to be sick until she could gather more gossip. She's getting really annoyed that Anthony keeps asking her if she's okay. She can't even look at him. This is brilliant. 

Anthony thinks it's a great idea for the couples to go around the table and share their favourite memories from the competition experiment. He says, "I'll go!" and Nadia is clearly thinking, "for the love of God would you shut up and let someone else speak."

He says it was when they did Bikram yoga together. Nadia hates everything about his response.

OH THERE'S MORE TENSION PLS.

Jesse's drinking a lot, and the experts have noticed. He turns to Michelle and slurs something that sounds like, "you're hot," which is a weird thing to say to your fake wife. Michelle tells him to slow down. WHY MUST HE ALWAYS EMBARRASS HIMSELF AT DINNER PARTIES.

Sharon's worried about Nick because he's also clearly drinking too much. Cool.

But OH GOODNESS. Just when we thought we might have a drama-free dinner party (lol) John Aiken arrives out of nowhere. It's confusing because a) he was just watching the dinner party with his good friend Trisha and now he's left her all alone to psychoanalyse the whole thing, and b) he genuinely looks lost. Is he... is he here purely to start sh*t?

He announces that there's one last challenge. It's the goddamn question box. 

Everyone acts shocked when the boxes come out, as though they have NO idea what could be inside. You've literally all seen these before. There is no element of surprise. 

John exits the room saying, "we as experts wish you all the best," but where is Mel, John? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MEL?

Alene and Simon are first, and Simon deflects anything about his relationship. Trisha comments, "I think Alene is more into Simon," and ummm, you can't just say that Trisha. That's heavy.

Eventually Alene bullies Simon into saying some nice things, so that's lovely.

Next, it's Susan and Sean's turn, and Sean asks, "would you be prepared to leave city life to live with me?" There's suspense and silence, and then she says... yes.

WAIT, WHAT.

LOVE IS NOT DEAD. Anthony says, "way to drop a bombshell" and OMG SHUT UP ANTHONY THIS ISN'T YOUR GODDAMN MOMENT.

Oh, no. It's Jesse and Michelle's turn and it's at this point we realise there is no purpose in having these intimate conversations in front of a group of people. Except to intensify emotions, obviously. And coerce people into saying things that aren't true.

Jesse is drunk, and Michelle asks how confident he is in their relationship. JESUS he's using the door metaphor. Jesse, no. It didn't make sense the first time, or the second time, or the time Michelle said it. 

Jesse then asks Michelle if she feels married, and she says no. He looks disappointed but umm... neither of you are actually married. Eugh.

She ends up being really nice to him, saying he doesn't have to change at all, and that she believes a relationship can come from friendship. Jesse definitely feels like there's hope, which is 100 per cent not a good thing.

Now it's Nick and Sharon's turn, and Trisha is concerned that Nick is still drinking. But it's perfect. Because drunk people get embarrassingly emotional. Which is what we need.

Nick asks Sharon about her doubts, and when she expresses them, he gets annoyed, throws the cards, and says "I think that's a f*cking load of sh*t. I'm sick of these questions. Sorry."

The experts are SHOCKED by his behaviour but not really, and eventually he changes his mind and says, "I know I want to spend the rest of my life with Sharon." That was literally the least fruitful conversation we have ever witnessed. Probably because Nick was talking to Sharon's shoe for a vast majority of it.

Andy says a romantic thing. Cool.

NO STOP IT'S TIME FOR ANTHONY AND NADIA EVERYONE SHUT UP NOW PLS.

It seems Anthony gets to ask Nadia 72 questions while she asks him one, but whatever. Rules aren't important.

Even though Nadia's saying all the right things, her face is betraying her. She can't look Anthony in the eye. He asks whether she thinks his feelings are 100 per cent genuine and she pauses for effect (obviously) and then says yes, but it's simply because she forgot what the question was. Because she doesn't want to be speaking. She wants to be listening to other couples talk about their issues.

NO WAIT.

Anthony thinks Nadia's acting weird because "she wants to hear those three words." NO. NO ANTHONY THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL.

"Every woman in the room wants to hear those three words," he says, because all women are the same and are worthless unless someone loves them.

We all need to embrace the confidence of a man whose fake wife is showing unequivocal signs of disgust, but who nevertheless tells himself she's just holding out for him to say 'I love you.'

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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