Married at First Sight recap: Is this the "ultimate betrayal?"

We’re still not over the behaviour of Cheryl’s dad, and we just need you to know that before we begin.

Okay, great.

We open with Simon and Alene, and suddenly come to the realisation that their entire relationship depends on Alene just… annoying him.

And we love it.

They've purchased a flat pack dining table because assembling furniture never, ever, ends badly. Especially when one party has expressed multiple times that he wants nothing to do with it.

Whatever.

Alene got her Fantastic Furniture dining table and that's all that matters.

Mel Schilling gets an opportunity to say a thing, and guys... she chokes. She informs us, "It's important our couples spend time together," and... seriously, Mel? Come on, you're better than that.

Listen to The Recap, the podcast to listen to after you've watched Married at First Sight.

Alene has decided to teach Simon how to cook Lebanese food, and they bond over rolling balls.

"If you can handle these balls, you can handle a Lebanese woman," says Alene's sister, who a) is always there, b) only speaks in sexual innuendos, and c) probably needs to watch her behaviour in front of her children. 

NO STOP IT. HAMISH IS BACK AND HE'S STILL MAD.

He's asked what he thinks of Andrew, and replies, "not much."

But... why?

Cheryl keeps trying to convince her dad that Andrew has a lovely family and is a good person with a worthy career, but Hamish is not interested in all that superficial stuff. This is a short man with small hands, Cheryl. Pls.

Hamish proceeds to insult Andrew's age and ALSO where he lives. He says, "If you're going to be with my daughter, you need to be in Brisbane or the Sunshine Coast," which is frankly a ridiculous thing to say to a guy who can't wait to leave this house, let alone this state/country/hemisphere.

Andrew highlights the obvious by telling Hamish, "You don't know a thing about me," at which stage Cheryl tells the camera that Andrew could be dealing with it better.

Cheryl. Your dad is, literally, the rudest man we've ever seen on television. And Kyle Sandilands was on Australian Idol for a significant period of time. 

With all his bravado, Hamish has stopped making sense. He asks, "What's your intentions?" to a man who signed up for a television show where you get fake married to a stranger.

What the f*ck do you think his intentions are?

As if the conversation couldn't get any lower, both Hamish and Andrew start making fun of each other's feet and what the hell is wrong with people.

Andrew looks sarcastically at the two RANDOM YOUNG CHILDREN who appear to be in the care of Hamish, and says, "There's a lesson for you boys. If you don't like the look of someone, they're no good."

By this stage Hamish has had enough (wtf) and demands that Andrew "go away."

Well. Safe to say that could have gone better.

We then cross to shots of Susan and Sean being happy and in love bla bla.

OH GOODNESS.

Anthony continues to be unimpressed with how Nadia lives her life, etc.

"It's 3pm and we're just lying on a beach," he says, and we are continuously shocked by what Anthony manages to turn into a complaint.

He's stressed because Nadia needs to have dinner prepared for 7pm.

Oh, also. Turns out it's not 3pm. Nadia corrects him - it's 1:30pm. Which, according to our calculations, leaves five and a half hours until dinner.

This entire situation is our idea of a nightmare. Time is not a hobby, Anthony. It's NOT A HOBBY. 

Anthony then suggests they just pick up two barbecue chickens and a large chips for dinner, and we're angry. Because it's passive aggressive. And that's obviously not what people want, although it's a great meal in its own right.

He begins every fourth sentence with "... if it were me," and NO, Anthony. That's not the point of home visits. Don't you know the rules?

Furthermore, he says the name "Nadia" like he's speaking to a troublesome four-year-old girl.

Precisely five and a half hours later, dinner occurs. And Nadia appears to have done just fine.

She casually mentions that before Married at First Sight, she dated guys who were too young and weren't ready for commitment. Anthony raises his eyebrows even higher than usual.

"That's your error!" he barks.

Oh, um. OK.

Anthony adds, "I don't have to know about that. You married me. You don't have to know about mine." So, firstly, you're not actually married. And secondly, just because she doesn't like you Anthony, doesn't mean she's never liked anyone else.

Nadia's friends don't like Anthony, but neither does Nadia so it's sweet.

OMG FINALLY. IT'S THE DINNER PARTY. WHERE EVERYONE ALWAYS GETS F*CKED UP, OR BULLIED, OR CONFESSES TO SEEING THA STRIPPAZ.

According to the narrator and, um, our own eyes, Andrew and Cheryl are on a "rapid downward spiral," and they don't know what to do next.

John Aiken says, "It's not unusual for conflicts to arise during home visits," as though home visits are an actual thing in any context other than this show.

Andrew is moving out, mainly because there's nothing okay about what happened with Cheryl's dad, but also because they have no chemistry/connection/bond.

Cheryl makes Andrew promise not to dob on her at the dinner party, mostly because she doesn't want the twins to literally tell Andrew, "I told you so."

As the couples get ready, Andy gives Vanessa a ukulele as an apology for being reprimanded about his personality.

He then asks, "Do you reckon we've moved up the rankings on the table?" and PAUSE. THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION. HOW ARE PEOPLE STILL THIS CONFUSED. IT'S BEEN FOUR WEEKS. FFS.

And the dinner party is underway.

Everyone just yells "Jonesy" for the first 11 minutes because apparently that's a thing now.

Sharon then makes an effort with Cheryl, and pretends like she's genuinely interested in her/her relationship. But really, she's only making an effort because last time she got in trouble from the experts.

Andrew is super relieved to be in the company of people who don't literally want him to die, so we can tell he's going to open up at the nearest opportunity.

At this point, expert Trisha decides to say something, and remarks that Anthony and Nadia are looking in different directions while sitting at the dinner table.

Trisha. Of course they are. Nadia already knows what's happening with Anthony. She's made him promise to take one side of the table, while she interrogates the other side. It's more efficient that way. Everyone knows that.

Realising she just said a silly, Trisha decides to compare the twins. As in the same set she's criticised multiple times for comparing themselves too much. Yeah, those twins. Trish says Sharon and Nick's relationship is "much deeper," which, um, is pretty obvious because literally the only thing Michelle likes about Jesse is that one time she made him get a spray tan and the whole of Australia saw his penis.

Anthony starts making observations about Susan and Sean, and no.

If there's one thing that's completely off-limits, it's criticising Susan and Sean.

Anthony says, "I identified pretty early on that they're great people individually, but they don't work together."

Shut. Up.

No, Anthony. No one saw that coming. NO ONE.

He continues to go on about Sean is a "horseman," and "they're a different breed of people."

"If you're a horse person... you need a horse woman," he says.

THAT'S NOT A THING.

Then he refers to Susan as 'Suze' and we actually want to stab him in the eye.

Wow. OK. Hold up a second.

There's a clanging coming from someone's glass and it looks an awful lot like Andy's.

Is he...? He couldn't. OH he is. He's making a toast.

Essentially all he says is, "Haven't seen you guys in a while... and I've missed you," and it's... beautiful.

Andrew then leaves the room with Sharon and Nick and we've never been more certain someone is about to dob on Cheryl.

"I can't stop thinking about how spot on you were. Things haven't been good at all," Andrew tells Sharon.

He says he's now in a separate room to his second-fake-wife-except-not-really-because-they-never-had-a-fake-marriage, and describes the whole experience as "horrible."

"I honestly haven't felt that low in a number of years," he says.

At this point the experts start to become weirdly judgemental. They think Andrew isn't taking any "responsibility" for his own role in this, which is ridiculous, because he had to deal with a fake-father-in-law who legitimately may be on the run from the police. For serious assault.

Pause.

Where... where do you think Nadia is?

She wouldn't be... sitting with Cheryl? GETTING ALL THE GOSSIP.

Of course she is. She's asking about Andrew's home visit and she has her very best gossip face on. But Cheryl's being tight-lipped because she can't be bothered explaining that her and Andrew hate each other and are only here for the free food/rent. We can't imagine how disappointed Nadia is going to be when she realises the good gossip was happening elsewhere, and she missed it. 

Anthony continues to be a generally bad person at the dinner table, while Andrew tells more and more people about Cheryl.

But WAIT.

Susan wants to have a chat with the twins. She wants to apologise for avoiding them after the last dinner party, when they waged a war on Cheryl.

It's awkward because no one is aware Susan was avoiding anyone, and we're even less sure as to why Susan is apologising.

Sharon ends up yelling at Susan that SHE'S NOT A BULLY, and Susan ends up apologising for apologising.

Meanwhile, this is what the rest of the dinner party looked like:

Please don't leave Nadia. Even when Anthony calls you frigid next week.

UNTIL THEN.

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